Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBQLq2VmZcA&search=criss%20angel%20water

2006-08-24 07:32:42 · 9 answers · asked by Michael R 4

2006-08-24 07:31:33 · 8 answers · asked by gymnastcutii19 2

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.  
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
  n either of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
The husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws!"  
 

2006-08-24 07:29:49 · 7 answers · asked by Poptart 5

2006-08-24 07:29:03 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please post jokes. ABSOLUTELY NO CRUDE, SICK, or SENSUAL humour.

2006-08-24 07:21:21 · 3 answers · asked by SithGirl8 2

1. you get a speeding ticket when your parked
2. you have a bumper sticker that says:” coffee drinkers are good in the sack"
3. you answer the door before people knock
4. you just completed another scarf and you don’t know how to knit
5. you grind your coffee beans in you mouth
6. you have to watch movies in fast forward
7. you can take a picture of yourself from 10 feet away without using a timer
8. you lick the coffee pot clean
9. you’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there
10. the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
11. your t-shirt says "Decaffeinated coffee is the devils coffee"
12. your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas
13. you can type 60 words per minute with your feet
14. cocaine is a downer
15. instant coffee takes to long
16. you want to be cremated just so can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee jar
17. you go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee
18. you’re offended when people use the word ‘brew’ to mean beer
19. you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug
20. you can outlast the energizer bunny
21. your liver used soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood
22. you introduce your spouse as your coffee mate
23. your urine stream bores a hole in the toilet
24. you have two complete orgasms whilst brushing your teeth
25. you talk so fast your tongue has windburn
26. you jog to work and arrive yesterday
27. your eyes are brown….even the white parts
28. you personally account for more than 1% of the gross national product of brazil
29. mosquitoes that bite you can fly through glass
30. you bungee jump and go up
31. your coffee breath can etch glass
32. you think skydiving is just too damned slow

2006-08-24 07:05:43 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-24 07:04:41 · 7 answers · asked by darrenfanelli 3

Every day a woman stood on her porch and shouted, “Praise the Lord!” And every day the atheist next door yelled back, “There is no Lord!”

One day she prayed, “Lord, I’m hungry. Please send me groceries.” The next morning she found a big bag of food on the stairs. “Praise the Lord,” she shouted. “I told you there was no Lord,” her neighbor said, jumping from behind a bush. “I bought those groceries.”

“Praise the Lord,” woman said. “He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them.”


.... no need no hater, it's just a plain JOKE.... =)

2006-08-24 06:57:59 · 12 answers · asked by L!LO 4

In case he took a fence.

2006-08-24 06:54:21 · 16 answers · asked by lillynolilly 2

A frog is lying on a lilypad in the middle of a pond. If he is six inches from the north edge, six inches from the south edge and four inches from the east and west edges, in whici direction will he jump to get out of the pond?

2006-08-24 06:42:18 · 9 answers · asked by miracleMB 3

Seriously. Dirty jokes are good. Don't post lame stories. 10 points for the best.

2006-08-24 06:40:12 · 5 answers · asked by Joe 4

What is greater than God..
More evil than the Devil..
The poor have it...
The rich need it...
and if you eat it you will die.

2006-08-24 06:39:39 · 24 answers · asked by JCW 3

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her. Later, the same thing happened, and he asked the lady again. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.
After, he went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No, I wouldn't," he said. She said, "I sell tampons." With that, he fell on the floor laughing. "See i knew you would laugh!" "Its not that!" he said "I sell preperation h so im STILL one hole behind you!"

2006-08-24 06:05:45 · 14 answers · asked by Kayla-Ann 3

What is found in air but is not oxygen, what is found in brains but isn't blood, what is needed by animals but can't be found in zoos?

2006-08-24 05:57:24 · 12 answers · asked by miracleMB 3

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours
>and gets
>horrible sunburn.
>
>He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted
>after being
>diagnosed with second degree burns.
>
>He was already starting to blister and in agony.
>
>The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding
>with saline
>and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill
>every four hours.
>
>The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will
>Viagra do him?"
>
>The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his
>legs."

2006-08-24 05:56:55 · 29 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social
Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.... I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home..... "I will have to go home and come back later....." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt.".... So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair..... She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office.... She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

2006-08-24 05:55:04 · 24 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

...tell me this riddle if you can.
What is the answer?????????????

2006-08-24 05:55:04 · 7 answers · asked by Display Name 3

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH





This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! It takes less than a minute . Work this out as you read ... Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.



1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)









2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)










3. Add 5












4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator













5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 .... If you haven't, add 1755.














6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.










You should have a three digit number










The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how! many times you want to have chocolate each week).










The next two numbers are









YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)



THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS

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2006-08-24 05:53:53 · 37 answers · asked by JustLynn 6

This is still funny the second time around ...


A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in
the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder,
a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going
to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against
the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the
roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is
trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be
subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

2006-08-24 05:53:20 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

...and a long tail that she let fly.
And every time she went through a gap,
She left a bit of her tail in the trap.
What is the answer???

2006-08-24 05:52:36 · 5 answers · asked by Display Name 3

When the Pizza Shack pizza arrived, you noticed that the free Baseball Card that came with the order was in the corner of the square box, so that its corner just barely touched the outside of the perfectly-circular pizza. The Baseball Card measures exactly 140 mm by 70 mm. What is the diameter of the pizza, in millimeters? Round to the nearest millimeter.

2006-08-24 05:51:56 · 26 answers · asked by Sakura X 2

2006-08-24 05:24:25 · 16 answers · asked by The Inquisitive 3

2006-08-24 05:12:25 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

(1)
Sometimes low and sometimes high
without me you would surely die
i am not earth nor am i stone
no shape at all to call my own
not bird or beast or flower or tree
yet captives live within me free!
What am I?

(2)
I am the color of gold,
sweet as can be
but beware the danger
thats all around me

What am I?

2006-08-24 05:04:08 · 18 answers · asked by CJ 2

2006-08-24 05:00:44 · 8 answers · asked by JOHNNY D 3

A husband and wife are driving through a snowstorm when their car suddenly breaks down. The husband goes to get help, but before he leaves he tells his wife to stay in the car and not let anyone in. The wife does what she is told. Nevertheless, when the husband gets back with help is wife is with two strangers in the car. How is this possible?

2006-08-24 04:51:13 · 19 answers · asked by Alyssie 2

2006-08-24 04:29:10 · 33 answers · asked by bender 3

What happens twice in a week, and once in a year, but never in a day?

2006-08-24 04:19:02 · 13 answers · asked by none 5

My dad just sent this to me. I thin its a lil funny.





Jim and Carole were both patients in a mental
>> hospital. One day
>> while they were walking past the hospital
>> swimming pool, Jim
>> suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to
>> the bottom of the pool
>> and stayed there. Carole promptly jumped in to
>> save him. She swam to
>> the bottom and pulled Jim out.
>>
>> When the Head Nurse Director became aware of
>> Carole's heroic act,
>> she immediately ordered her to be discharged
>> from the hospital, as
>> she now considered her mentally stable.
>>
>> When she went to tell Carole the news, she
>> said, "Carole, I have
>> good news and bad news. The good news is you're
>> being discharged.
>> Since you were able to rationally respond to a
>> crisis by jumping in
>> and saving the life of another patient, I have
>> concluded that your
>> act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is
>> that Jim, the patient
>> you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with
>> his bathrobe belt right
>> after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's
>> dead."
>>
>> Carole replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put
>> him there to dry."
>> "How soon can I go home?"

2006-08-24 04:17:51 · 21 answers · asked by butterfly 5

A do-it-yourselfer named Jill
Used a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her v'gina
In North Carolina
_______________________[fill in the blank without getting reported]

2006-08-24 03:56:37 · 21 answers · asked by A Baby Ate My Dingo 4