Make me laugh!?

Question

Seriously. Dirty jokes are good. Don't post lame stories. 10 points for the best.

Answer 1

a girl tells her boyfriend that she is ready to have sex with him but first she wants him to meet her parents that weekend.
feeling nervous, since the boy had never had sex before, he goes to his local pharmacy to buy condoms. he tells the pharmist he's never used a condom before and the pharmasist helps him and tells him everything he needs to know about them etc. that night he goes to visit his girlfriends parents. at dinner they all say a grace, and when the grace is over, the boy's head is still bent down in prayers. 10 minutes aftr his head is still bent down. the girlfriend leans over to him and says "i had no idea you were so religious!" the boy replies "i had no idea your father was a pharmasist!"

a man went to the doctor and said "doctor please help me. every night when i go to the bathroom, god opens the light for me and when i'm done he closes it. is there something wrong with me?"
the doctor replies "absolutley not. the answer is simple. your peeing in your refridgerator."

a plane is about to crash. the piolet says "we have to drop the load!" so they drop a watermelon, a bowling ball, and a bomb."
one day at work, three men were conversing. 'you won't believe what happened to me the other noght "says the first man" i was checking my mail when all of a sudden a bowling ball falls out of nowhere and hits me in the head!" "thats nothing," says the second man" i was walking my girlfriend to the car after dinner last night and a watermelon had fallen through my windsheild!"
the third man just laughs "you think thats something? this morning i was walking to work, i farted and the building behind me blew up!"

why do mermaids were seashells?
because b-shells are to small and d-shells are to big.

i think ford names there trucks by how many times they cuss when you fill them up: F-150, F-250...

one day at dinner little jonny's parents were arguing. he heard his mother call his father a bastard and he heard his father call his mother a bi*ch. after dinner little jonny went up to his mother and asked "what does bastard mean?" the mother answered "oh it's just another word for men." he went to his father "what does bi*ch mean?" his father answered "oh it's just another word for women" later that night there was a thunderstorm so little jonny asked to sleep with his parents. his mother said okay but don't look under the blankets (on account of they were having make-up sex) he heard the father say " oh darling, your ni*ples are so juicy" he heard the mother say " oh, your t*ts are so soft" the next morning he asked his mother what t*ts meant. she said "it's just another word for hats" he asked his father what ni*ples meant. he answered "it's another word for coats." that afternoon as they were preparing for a party jonny walked past the kitchen to see his mother chopping veggies. she accidently cut her finger and said "F*ck!" he went upstairs to the bathroom were his father happened to be shaving, he cut himself and said "s*it!"
the doorbell rang and mother asked jonny to answer. he was very happy becuz he had learned 6 new words in 2 days. so he opens the door and says "hey all you bi*ches and bastards! i'll take your ni*ples and t*ts. my mom's in the kitchen f*cking and my dad's in the bathroom s*itting!"

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

A curious little boy walks into his grandmas house and ask "grandma what is it called when a person is sleeping on top of another person?" Well the grandma didnt want to lie to him and decided to be honest with him. "Well Robby its called sexual intercourse". The kid thanks his grandmother and goes out to play again. He comes back an hour later and says "grandma grandma you were wrong, timmys mom said its called bunkbeds and she wants to have a talk with you"

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her. Later, the same thing happened, and he asked the lady again. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.
After, he went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No, I wouldn't," he said. She said, "I sell tampons." With that, he fell on the floor laughing. "See i knew you would laugh!" "Its not that!" he said "I sell preperation h so im STILL one hole behind you!"

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th
birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good
about the results. On her way home, she stops at a
newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says
to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks
the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops
in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes
up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk
this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old
man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a surefire way
to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward,
but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how
old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her
curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts
out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins
to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces
and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each
nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay,
okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes
his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was
incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says,! "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Answer 2

Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."






Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves

Answer 3

There was a blonde, a red head and a brunet, a wise man took them up to the empire state building. "As you jump, say what you want to land in, and you will land in it", said that wise man. The red head went first, she jumped, and as she was falling she yelled out "pillows", and she landed on a bunch of pillows. The brunet went 2nd, she jumped and yelled "feathers", and she landed in a bunch of feathers. It was the blondes turn, she jumped, she wasnt sure what to say " uh uh....oh ****" she said and she landed in it.

Answer 4

a white horse fell in the mud lol

Answer 5

what does caviar and michael jackson have in common?