Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

This is a real car posting from my hometown of a guy trying to sell a car. The southside is the ghetto

http://sanantonio.craigslist.org/car/198540990.html

2006-08-24 16:23:07 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

tiemreattnenn

yes it is a real word...i couldn't make it too easy!...and i made sure all the letters are in there so i promise you aren't doing it for nothing! good luck :)

2006-08-24 16:17:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anna 4

The rich people have more
The poor people have less
People who don't know it..uses more
And it is the dirtiest thing in the world

2006-08-24 16:16:37 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man lives on the 10th floor of a building. Every day he gets in the elevator, rides down to the ground floor and goes to work. When he comes home from work, he gets in the elevator rides up to the 5th floor but has to take the stairs the rest of the way up to his apartment on the 10th floor. Except on rainy days; on rainy days when coming home from work, he rides the elevator all the way up to the 10th floor to his apartment.

Why must he take the stairs when it's not raining?
Why does he ride the elevator to the 10th floor only when it's raining?

2006-08-24 15:53:58 · 12 answers · asked by IT wannabe 2

2006-08-24 15:42:50 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm not trying to be offensive, just wanting to make people laugh or something. So if you are offended by this joke, i suggest you don't answer rudely, bcuz i don't need any of your bull sh!t. I know some of you will become angry and stubborn, but please don't answer to this unless you are willing to be friendly. I also don't care if you have heard this joke b4, so don't answer saying something like "oh my friend toldme that atschool!"r smthng
Here it is:
2 nuns died and went to Heaven where an angel held a golden bowl filled with holy water."If you have touched a man on his private part, you must rinse that body part that you touched him with in this holy water." The angel told the nuns. The first nun steped up and said: "I only touched him with my finger." And she dipped her finger in the holy water and entered Heaven. The second nun stepped up and said "How many people have rinsed themselves in this water? If you expect me to gargle that water, I'm going to go down to hell instead!

2006-08-24 15:39:34 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm not trying to be offensive, just wanting to make people laugh or something. So if you are offended by this joke, i suggest you don't answer rudely, bcuz i don't need any of your bull sh!t. I know some of you will become angry and stubborn, but please don't answer to this unless you are willing to be friendly. I also don't care if you have heard this joke b4, so don't answer saying something like "oh my friend told me that at school!"
Here is is:

2 nuns died and went to Heaven where an angel held a golden bowl filled with holy water."If you have touched a man on his private part, you must rinse that body part that you touched him with in this holy water." The angel told the nuns. The first nun steped up and said: "I only touched him with my finger." And she dipped her finger in the holy water and entered Heaven. The second nun stepped up and said "How many people have rinsed themselves in this water? If you expect me to gargle that water, I'm going to go down to hell instead!"

2006-08-24 15:37:50 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

...will the Aliens have a harder time finding us since we sent them a map of a solar system with nine planets in it?

2006-08-24 15:30:52 · 37 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend....except one. Which animal does not attend?
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

2006-08-24 15:29:57 · 4 answers · asked by superstar 2

I came up with a parody of the chorus to the song "I'm a Hazard to Myself" by Pink. I wanted to know if people thought it was funny. Please tell me your opinion, and ONLY if you've heard the song. I REALLY don't want to hear about how you've never heard of the song or any stupid one or two word answers.

Here it is:
_________________

I'm allergic to myself
Don't let me near me
I am my own allergy
It's bad when you sneeze around yourself
Makes me so itchy
Don't want to be myself no more
I'd rather miss out on walnuts!
_________________

Please sing it in your head so that it makes sense with the actual song. The walnut reference is because an allregy to some sort of nut is very common. You can rate it 1-10 (10 is highest of course) or however you want to do it. Any comment is appreciated! Thanks.

2006-08-24 15:17:45 · 9 answers · asked by Rachel the Atheist 4

I came up with a parody of the chorus to the song "I'm a Hazard to Myself" by Pink. I wanted to know if people thought it was funny. Please tell me your opinion, and ONLY if you've heard the song.

Here it is:
_________________

I'm allergic to myself
Don't let me near me
I am my own allergy
It's bad when you sneeze around yourself
Makes me so itchy
Don't want to be myself no more
I'd rather miss out on walnuts!
_________________

Please sing it in your head so that it makes sense with the actual song. The walnut reference is because an allregy to some sort of nut is very common. You can rate it 1-10 (10 is highest of course) or however you want to do it. Any comment is appreciated! Thanks.

2006-08-24 15:16:43 · 1 answers · asked by Rachel the Atheist 4

Only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older.

2006-08-24 14:41:14 · 20 answers · asked by ◄BamaBoy205► 5

mischeviously hides eggs and only appears for one day in April?

2006-08-24 14:39:25 · 18 answers · asked by elge13 3

...will Mickey Mouse have to get a new dog?

2006-08-24 14:34:37 · 13 answers · asked by GIGGLES 2

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.

Who is my grandma?

2006-08-24 14:17:11 · 15 answers · asked by Phyllobates 7

Ok, there's three guys that check into a hotel. When they get to the hotel, they order some pizzas from room service. The delivery boy brings the pizzas up and says it'll be $30. Each man pays ten dollars, and the delivery boy brings the money down to the cashier. The cashier says the delivery boy told them the wrong price, and that the pizzas were only $25. So, as the boy is making his way back up to the guys' room with the money, he decides since there is no way to split 5 dollars between 3 men, he would keep two dollars for himself. SO, when he gets to the room, he tells the men the situation and gives them the three dollars, which they evenly divide amongst themselves. But, figure this out, if they paid ten dollars, and they were refunded one, which means they each paid nine dollars, 9x3=27 and the delivery boy only took two dollars. Twenty-seven plus two is twenty-nine. If the original total was $30, where did the last dollar go?

2006-08-24 14:13:11 · 17 answers · asked by x 2

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said,

"Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

2006-08-24 13:50:04 · 13 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-08-24 13:44:59 · 41 answers · asked by lillynolilly 2

2006-08-24 13:43:47 · 13 answers · asked by Stormhaley of Steelers 4

cos they can't write their names small enough on the check with a spray can.

2006-08-24 13:11:15 · 12 answers · asked by pete cochino 3

I got some "Grandma's" cookies out of a vending machine and it said on the package "Just like Grandma used to make." Then I looked at the ingredients. I don't remember Grandma putting Polysorbate 80 in her cookies!

2006-08-24 13:11:07 · 6 answers · asked by spackler 6

closest answer...will receive major points

2006-08-24 12:56:26 · 5 answers · asked by MzChamillinator 5

just make me wet my pants with the joke k? lol...I dont care where you get it but dont have it be like chicken and the road common k?

2006-08-24 12:43:14 · 14 answers · asked by Aria 2

Ok so it goes:

There are two doors, one leads to heaven and one to hell. One angle guards each door. Now one angle always tells the trueth and one angle always lies. Now you don't know which angle is guarding which door. And you get one question to figure out which door is which. What do you ask?

I've been thinking about it for weeks and haven't come up with an answer.

2006-08-24 12:40:10 · 18 answers · asked by Jen H 2

a rich ***** with a yeast infection.

2006-08-24 12:17:38 · 5 answers · asked by pete cochino 3

i told this girl i could levitate myself and shes asking me to do it but its not really levitation its more like pulling one foot up and standing on ur other toes o the opposite side and she'll see right through my trick does anyone know how ican actually do it??

2006-08-24 12:16:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

yeah figure it out

2006-08-24 12:10:41 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fred was often inquisitive about the world outside.
Each day he gazed wistfully through the glass at the world he could never know.
Then, one, day, the unthinkable happened.
Some boys playing outside accidentally broke the glass.
Instantly Fred regretted his curiosity. Why?

2006-08-24 12:06:30 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

After the heavy traffic of rain
The sun gives the green light
To a truck of colors making
a U-turn in the sky.

what am I?

2006-08-24 12:03:11 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Has two long ears but cannot hear (antique type)
Has one big eye but cannot see,
has no tongue but talks all day.

what am I?

2006-08-24 12:01:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous