10 points for the funniest joke ever! I really dont care if its dirty or clean,?

Question

just make me wet my pants with the joke k? lol...I dont care where you get it but dont have it be like chicken and the road common k?

Answer 1

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."



another one:
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Answer 2

a teacher had her third grade class tell the rest of the class what their fathers professions are (starting with A-B-C & so forth) and what their fathers would do if they were in the class with them right then. teacher yelled out 'any A's?" no hands went up. "any B's?" several hands were raised. the teacher, knowing her class wasn't too swift, figured she'd use the smartest person first to start things off. margaret, a jewish girl started. "my father is a banker, b-a-n-k-e-r, and if he were here today, he'd give everyone a dollar to invest toward their future". excellent stated the teacher, you get an a+. pedro, the mexican was next. "my papa is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, & if he were here right now he'd give everyone a cookie to keep them from starving". very good, exclaimed the teacher, you get an a-. a black boy raised his hand enthusiastically to be next in line. shauntwan stated, "one of my dad's an electrician. l-e-k-t-r-y-s-h-u-n. the teacher interupted, explaining to the boy that they were in the B category and he needed to think more about the proper spelling of electrician. last hand raised was an italian boy with a thick new york italian accent. Guido stated, "my pops a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he were here right now, he'd give you ten-to-one odds that n!gger ain't never gonna be able to spell electrician.

Answer 3

Satan vists the church
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

What has caused it?
A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man' 'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

Answer 4

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves


Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."

Answer 5

how about a yo momma joke:
your momma is so fat and old that God didn't say "Let there be light" he said "Biitch get out the way"

and
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named you daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Answer 6

A guy says to me , "my girl friend got this cool new tattoo of a seashell, real high up on her thigh".I said "why is that so cool"?. He said "when I press my ear to it,I can smell the Ocean"

OK: Did you hear about the hotel the lesbians built?
All tongue and groove ,not a stud in the place.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Licalotapus.

A guy walks into a bar says"Whiskey and keep them coming, he downs four of them.The bar tenders says "slow down fella ,what are you celebrating?" The man says "my first b l o w job".The bartender says "here's one on the house".The man says" No thanks if four wont get the taste out of my mouth then five won't either.

Answer 7

i have a couple....

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

heres the other one....

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you sh** on its head.

Answer 8

I was walking down a hall in Manhattan, NY and i smelt fruit, i didn't pay it anymind so i kept walking Then when i get to the door to go outside i see the biggest blackest gayest person ever, so as i walk past him this fat black women says i thought i smelled fruit, he says, honey you are just jealous you can't be this sexy and spanked his asss, so she said right its not a hate crime if i hit you, you gay f@g, so he goes honey, you must be gay because we all know you aint got no man, so the women was like F*uck you, you stupid queer, so the gay guys goes " booboo I am rubber, you are glue, Your mother's a whore, and your b*tch asss is too


I have a better joke but you have to message me for it

Answer 9

I hope I don't offend anyone.

Two lesbians and two gays were having a race from New York to California. Who wins?




The lesbians. They were doing 69 all day while the gays were at home packing sh*t.

Answer 10

Two blondes on oposite sides of a lake.One yells to the other"How do I get to the other side?" The other one yells back"You ARE on the other side."