Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

A golden retriever.

2006-08-23 12:32:36 · 29 answers · asked by celia3018 3

Because those men already have boyfriends.

2006-08-23 12:30:57 · 12 answers · asked by celia3018 3

I have a friend who enjoys playing mind games, this time the game is to see if i can guess the word with only these hints, and that the word is used in the title of some games.

2006-08-23 12:27:53 · 16 answers · asked by Sam P 1

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

2006-08-23 12:27:17 · 7 answers · asked by celia3018 3

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband? asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

2006-08-23 12:26:49 · 22 answers · asked by mr_sister_uk 3

He finds his seat in the stalls and waits for the opera to begin. When the opera commences he really enjoys the music and afterwards goes home and tells his sister all about it.How?

2006-08-23 12:22:57 · 15 answers · asked by lillynolilly 2

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks,
"What
can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
wrong
with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them
£50
and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to
watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
have
intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry,
but I have to ask. "Just what are you you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and
we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for
£50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!"

2006-08-23 12:13:58 · 22 answers · asked by mr_sister_uk 3

2006-08-23 12:08:27 · 14 answers · asked by VetteLeo 6

Once there were three little pigs who lived together in mutual respect and in harmony with their environment. Using materials that were indigenous to the area, they each built a beautiful house.

One pig built a house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, clay, and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small kiln. When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with their work and settled back to live in peace and self-determination. But their idyll was soon shattered.

One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both a physical and ideological sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door, shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs defending their homes and culture!"

But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw. The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot pursuit. Where the straw house had stood, other wolves bought up the land and started a banana plantation.

At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The little pigs shouted back, "Go to Hell you carnivorus, imperialistic oppressor!"

At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks. The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels. Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves have now built a time-share condo resort complex for other vacationing wolves. Each unit was a fiberglass reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as native curio shops, snorkelling and dolphin shows.

At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

This time in response the little pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote letters of protest to the United Nations. By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal to see the situation from the carnivore point of view. So he huffed and puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dead of a massive heart attack brought on by eating too many fatty foods. The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a little dance around the corpse of the wolf.

Their next step was to liberate their homeland. They gathered together a band of other pigs who had been forced off their lands. This new brigade of "porcinistas" attacked the resort complex with machineguns and rocket launchers and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs.

Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal health care, and affordable housing for everyone.

2006-08-23 12:06:27 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries.

"I just don't get it." said one. "She's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs.

"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."

2006-08-23 12:04:39 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Farmer has a flock of sheep and decides he wants to breed them, so he goes to market and buys a ram. After several weeks he takes the sheep to the Vet and asks him to check to see if they are pregnant.

"Oh, no" , says the Vet, "I can tell right away that none of your sheep are pregnant. A pregnant sheep always lies down after it becomes pregnant.

"Well, whats the problem then?" Asks the farmer.

"I think your ram might be gay", ventures the Vet.

So the farmer says, "I can't afford another ram, is there any other way to get my sheep pregnant?" , and the Vet says, "Well you could always try artificial insemination.".

"Oh right" says the farmer, "I'll think about that" and then he leaves. When back at the farm the farmer thinks to himself, "Artificial insemination must mean I've got to shag the sheep myself, but I can't let the wife know."

So, being a clever farmer, he takes all the sheep off in the back of his truck to a deserted field a few miles out of town and shags them all, brings them back, puts them in the field and goes to bed. In the morning he gets up, goes to the window to see if any of the sheep are lying down. Alas no, all of the sheep are as upright as sheep can be.

"Alright then," thinks the farmer to himself, "I'll have to do them all twice just to be on the safe side" So he takes all the sheep in the back of his truck to the deserted field again and shags them all twice! Brings them back, puts them in their field and goes to bed. In the morning all the sheep are still standing proud.

"Right", says the farmer,"no more mucking about".He puts all the sheep in the back of his truck and takes them to the deserted field where he shags them all 5 TIMES!!!. Brings them back, puts them in the field and goes to bed.

Well, come the morning the poor farmer aches from head to toe and can't get out of bed because he is so tired from yesterday's shagging so he asks his wife to look out the window and tell him if any of the sheep are lying down.

She goes to the window and looks out and says, "No, they are not lying down, they are all in the back of your truck and one of them is honking the horn!

2006-08-23 11:59:25 · 16 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

He stoped and looked at the ground and saw a rock and a $100 bill.
He took the rock and left. What happened?

2006-08-23 11:59:08 · 10 answers · asked by Malik B 1

Three women were dressing after an aerobics workout and talking about their spouses. "My husband," said the first, "is a marriage counselor. He always buys me candy or flowers before we make love."

"Mine is a jeweler," the second said. "he always brings me a pearl or two before we make love."

The third woman paused ... "Well," she finally said, "my husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

2006-08-23 11:56:57 · 8 answers · asked by Woody 3

2006-08-23 11:54:36 · 16 answers · asked by djr 2

You are on an island in the middle of a lake. The lake is in a remote part of the country and there has never been a bridge connecting the island to the mainland.

Every day a tractor and wagon gives hay rides around the island. Puzzled as to how the tractor had gotten onto the island, you ask around and find out that the tractor was not transported to the island by boat or by air. Nor was it built on the island.

Explain how the tractor got there?

2006-08-23 11:44:22 · 10 answers · asked by Mr T 4

Take the number of your fingers multiplied by the number of you toes divided by one half and add it to the number of months in a year. What is the total?

2006-08-23 11:42:14 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail???
you have to think about this one..

2006-08-23 11:41:54 · 6 answers · asked by Mr T 4

The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb.

"May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we ..."

"I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls."

Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those."

The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door.

Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?"

The rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old."

"That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me - Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you."

The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again."

"Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap."

"Okay." The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless."

Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready."

And so he was, for, to Rosie's delight, he was even better the second time than the first. As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?"

"Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is five hundred dollars."

2006-08-23 11:40:31 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hey There Guys....This is a easy 10 point to the person that can give me the best MEXICAN joke ever. It could be anything you want clean, dirty, racial, ANYTHING GOES. Lets see what you guys have

2006-08-23 11:34:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

TONGUE TWISTER

Go right ahead and try to say this one out loud:

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,
and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper pooper scooper,
what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?

A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy!!

2006-08-23 11:25:25 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
>>the same night.
>>
>>2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
>>
>>3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a
>>garage makes you a car.
>>
>>4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
>>
>>5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
>>before.
>>
>>6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
>>
>>7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
>>
>>8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
>>person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
>>
>>9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
>>
>>10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
>>
>>11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
>>
>>12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
>>
>>13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
>>
>>14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
>>
>>15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
>>
>>16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
>>
>>17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
>>change places.
>>
>>18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
>>
>>19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
>>before you need it.

>>20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
>>
>>21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
>>when you make it again.
>>
>>22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
>>
>>23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
>>
>>24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
>>world.
>>
>>25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
>>
>>26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has
>>not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
>>"meetings."
>>
>>27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
>>
>>28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
>>want you to share yours with them.
>>
>>29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
>>
>>30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
>>
>>31. Never lick a steak knife.
>>
>>32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
>>
>>33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
>>reason why we observe daylight savings time.
>>
>>34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
>>that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
>>from her at that moment.
>>
>>35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
>>a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
>>
>>36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
>>religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
>>we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
>>
>>37. Your friends love you anyway.
>>
>>38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember
>>that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built
>>the Titanic.

2006-08-23 11:24:04 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

THIS IS TOO SWEET FOR WORDS!!!

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry
the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and
well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it
out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in
my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run
home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the
little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father
raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going
to step on it!"

2006-08-23 11:20:18 · 18 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-08-23 11:14:52 · 8 answers · asked by DomC 3

2006-08-23 11:09:24 · 10 answers · asked by Gary B. 2

There is a smart blonde, santa, a lepricon, a mexican, and a pot of gold. Who gets the pot of gold and why?

2006-08-23 11:08:41 · 8 answers · asked by peachandp 2

2006-08-23 11:00:08 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need some short and funny jokes so I can remember them.........Please help!!!!

2006-08-23 10:47:00 · 25 answers · asked by scs005 2

ok tell me some good jokes,blonde jokes yo mama jokes any joke and scarie ghost stories lol

2006-08-23 10:44:56 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Subject: Southern Lady
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man
fixin' (ready) to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee." He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?'' She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, dumb ***
Yankee."

2006-08-23 10:43:41 · 25 answers · asked by Reca 2

what is the difference between a dog, and a stick? closest answer gets 10 points.

2006-08-23 10:30:34 · 9 answers · asked by ace striker 2