Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

a question you can never forget and makes you smile or react differently once you remember it...

2006-08-17 23:49:00 · 9 answers · asked by Wild Ice 2

2006-08-17 23:35:00 · 19 answers · asked by BigBoy 3

As you slide down the banister of life, remember .
> >
> > 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.
>It's called
> > "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
> >
> > 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
> >
> > 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects
>you to
> > kiss his ring.
> >
> > 4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
> >
> > 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
> > bathroom.
> >
> > 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the
>drink
> > spilled, and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
> >
> > 7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
>there's
>
> > shipping and handling, too.
> >
> > 8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
>impression
> > that he just cleaned the whole house.
> >
> > 9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a
>large trash
> > can.
> >
> > 10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me
>off. I
> > was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
> >
> > 11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for
>Viagra.
> > He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
> >
> > 12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was
>and found
> > him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be
>treated,
> > and he didn't have to worry
>about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making
> > a list of the people I want to bite."
> >
> > 13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
> >
> > 14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point
>the
> > wrong way.
> >
> > REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
>
>
>

2006-08-17 23:34:47 · 17 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A young man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a
beautiful young lady on his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for
my girlfriend" he said. The jeweler looks through his stock, and
takes out an outstanding ring priced at £4500.

"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique", he
said. At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from
the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at £33000." The girls' eyes sparkled,
and the young man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?", asked the jeweler.

"I'll pay by cheque, but of course the bank would want to make sure
that everything is in order, so I'll write a cheque and you can phone
the bank Monday and I'll collect the ring on Monday afternoon".

Monday morning a very irate jeweler phones the man. "You lied there's
no money in that account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"

2006-08-17 23:22:34 · 13 answers · asked by Nisha 4

Sir, i bear a rythme excelling
In mystic force and magic spelling
Celestial sprites elucides
All my own striving can relate
Can you decipher me??

2006-08-17 23:18:35 · 5 answers · asked by tonybpebbles 2

i get a sharp teeth like a vampire.....do they have a sharpener for their fangs?

2006-08-17 23:17:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-17 23:15:52 · 8 answers · asked by jay 2

Sisters Mary, Martha and Veronica all died from the same 'flu at their convent and now all stand before the Pearly Gates hoping to be admitted.
"This is just a formality." explains St. Peter, "We've had trouble with Al Qaeda showing up with dodgy papers lately. As extra security I'll have to ask you a question - just to make sure you are who you say you are."
The three nuns are worried about this - but St. Peter looks trustworthy.
"Now Sister Mary, what were the Blessed Virgin's first words when the Angel Gabriel asked her if she was ready to be the vessel of all our salvation?"
Of course this is easy for anyone who knows their Bible.
"Be it done unto me according to thy will." answers Sister Mary, and St. Peter stamps the back of her hand with a little blue lamb (a very good sign).
"And what did Simeon say when he saw the Infant Jesus?"
"Now, Lord, dismiss Thou Thy servant."
(another blue lamb).
"But what did Eve say when she first saw Adam coming towards her in the Garden?"

2006-08-17 23:07:21 · 5 answers · asked by insincere 5

I have 1,you have 1
If you remove the 1st letter a bit remains
If you remove the 2nd letter bit still remains
After much trying,you might be able to remove the 3rd one also,but it remains
It dies hard?????

2006-08-17 23:01:58 · 17 answers · asked by tonybpebbles 2

LIFE BEYOND SIXTY

The cardiologist's diet:
if it tastes good, spit it out.


Maybe it's true that life begins at sixty.
But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory,
the other two I forget.

You're getting old when
you don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

Old age is when work is a lot less fun
and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy,
there are five women to every man.
Isn't that the darndest time for a guy
to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years
when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Old age is when it takes longer
to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.

Old age is when
you have stopped growing at both ends,
and have begun to grow in the middle.

Of course I'm against sin;
I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

Billy Graham has described heaven as
a family reunion that never ends.
What must hell possibly be like?
Home videos of the same reunion?

A man has reached old age
when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor
instead of by the police.

Being a senior adult
is having a choice of two temptations
and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into old age when
you realize that caution is the only thing
you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means
I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down
if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when
getting lucky means
you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when
you're sitting in a rocker
and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when
you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news:
the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic
when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when
you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament:
Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

2006-08-17 22:59:55 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

bats sleep upside down on trees.....do u think they r mental?

2006-08-17 22:58:04 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-17 22:51:26 · 14 answers · asked by tallguy 1

fill in the blanks. blanks provide space for words or phrases

"Good morning class I'm proffesor 1._____. Today we will be discussing how to 2._____ with a green 3._____. Now are there any of you who feel uncomfortable with this?"
A girl answered from the back of the classroom, "I think that we should try it out on 4.______ first.
So 5.________ went to the front of the class and was intructed to 6.__________ with his/her hands and 7._____ with his/her foot.
I can't feel my 8._______!" He shouted as the 9. _____ was inserted in 10._________
just then the principal walked in and said "11.__________"

2006-08-17 22:44:37 · 12 answers · asked by hey_finny 3

Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon
Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he was met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replied, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He is in Hell instead of Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike once just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini & a keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't."

2006-08-17 22:31:44 · 16 answers · asked by Pd 6

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one
> Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to
> Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"
>
> Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
>
> "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"
>
> Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands
> together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"
>
> "What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.
>
> Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
>legs".
>
> The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
>
> "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
>
> Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom
> the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she
> was saying, 'O God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had her pinned down,
>we'd have lost her."
>
> The Nun fainted.
>
>
>
>
>

2006-08-17 22:30:52 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A man was at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "How long have you been wearing an earring?" He replies, "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

PS I love picking the best answers

2006-08-17 22:17:03 · 17 answers · asked by Angels Of The Arts 2

Ben Affleck's earliest memory is waving goodbye to his parents when they abandoned him at K-Mart on hearing of a cheese sale in Santa Fe.

2006-08-17 22:16:40 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Carmen Electra enjoys sellotaping candy and marshmellows on to tramps to bring good luck.

2006-08-17 22:14:43 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please remove my name from your mailing list.

Thank You.

2006-08-17 22:10:11 · 4 answers · asked by Angels Of The Arts 2

2006-08-17 22:04:06 · 10 answers · asked by Skeeter 1

Ole is a farmer in Visconsin. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Minnesota. He drives to Minnesota, looks at the cow, reaches under to see if she gives milk.

When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.

Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis cow in Minnesota,

yah?"


Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"


Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."

2006-08-17 21:50:23 · 15 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

> This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

> His wife says, "Where are you going?"

> He says, "I'm going to the doctor."

> She says, "Are you sick?"

> He says, "No, I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

> So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.

> He says, "Where are you going?"

> She says, "I'm going to the doctor too."

> He says, "Why?"

> She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
> going to get a tetanus shot."
>

2006-08-17 21:48:20 · 19 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned
in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie - talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

2006-08-17 21:45:01 · 13 answers · asked by Pd 6

A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when
the
little girl suddenly winked and asked:
> "Do you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?"
> The little boy replied..."You're so old fashioned"... "spit out your
gum,
I want to play President."

2006-08-17 21:44:45 · 17 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-08-17 21:37:58 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

or just chuck it ?

2006-08-17 21:23:15 · 9 answers · asked by Dr. Mojo 3

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

2006-08-17 21:20:35 · 11 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

What is the only English word that ends....with *MT*..?

2006-08-17 20:55:11 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

If the wind blew ..and the sun rose..
what do you see when the night falls and from the daybreak...?

2006-08-17 20:25:09 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

NEWS GAS PRICE ROSE SHARPLY

IN THE PICTURE

mother, crying child, car,father on tricycle going to office

mother to child: stop crying pappa taken your tricycle but dont you see pappa given his car to you to play with

2006-08-17 20:24:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous