Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

There were 3 men in an airplane. 1st man threw an apple out the window and it fell and hit a boy on the head. Someone asked the boy, "why are you crying?" He said, "an apple came out of the sky and hit me on the head".

2nd man threw a banana out the window. It fell and hit another boy. Someone ask the boy, "why are you crying?" The boy said,
"I slipt on the banana, fell and hit my head".

3rd man threw a bomb out the window. A woman was laughing. Both boys asked her, "why are you laughing?" The woman said,
"I farted and my house blew up!"

lol, what do you think?

2006-08-17 17:36:52 · 47 answers · asked by Cherries 5

It's really very simple, once you get the hang of it. A few examples:

1. "I'm going fishing."
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

2. "It's a guy thing."
Translated: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

3. "Can I help with dinner?"
Translated: Why isn't it already on the table?

4. "Uh huh, sure honey." or, "Yes, dear."
Translated: (Means absolutely nothing -- it's a conditioned response.)

5. "It would take too long to explain."
Translated: I haven't the foggiest.

6. "I was listening to you. It's just ... I have lots of things on my mind."
Translated: Huh? I wasn't listening.

7. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard."
Translated: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

8. "That's interesting, dear."
Translated: Oh, are you still talking?

9. "You know how bad my memory is."
Translated: I remember the theme song to "F-Troop," the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the license plate numbers of every car I've had. But I have no idea when your birthday is.

10. "I dunno ... I was just thinking about you, and when I saw these roses I just thought you'd like them."
Translated: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

11. "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Translated: I've severed a limb, but I'll bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.

12. "I've got my reasons for what I'm doing".
Translated: ...and I sure hope I think of some soon.

13. "I can't find it."
Translated: It didn't fall into my out-stretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.

14. "What did I do this time?"
Translated: What did you catch me at?

15. "I heard you."
Translated: I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't find that out.

16. "You know I could never love anyone else."
Translated: I am used to the way you yell at me, and I realize it could be worse.

17. "You look terrific."
Translated: Oh God, please don't try on any more clothes!

18. "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Translated: No human will ever see us alive again.

2006-08-17 17:24:45 · 8 answers · asked by Woody 3

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh..." he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich, I'll have lunch."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time.

"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots that bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly. The bear grabs the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich. The cat jumps for the mouse. The mouse ducks. The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story: Whenever a fly goes down three inches some p-u-s-s-y is in serious danger.

2006-08-17 17:22:44 · 10 answers · asked by Woody 3

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library.

"Yes, ma'am?" the librarian said.

"I have a complaint! I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"Horrible?"

"Yes. The worst I've ever seen!" the blonde exclaimed.

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Are you the one who took our phone book?"

2006-08-17 17:19:06 · 10 answers · asked by Woody 3

A doctor and a lawyer were chatting at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer," and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

2006-08-17 17:17:48 · 7 answers · asked by Woody 3

2006-08-17 17:08:12 · 14 answers · asked by lishlama 2

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

2006-08-17 17:01:22 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Little Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

"Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.

The mother proudly replied, "Yes. We are so thankful. The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision"

Little Johnny replied, "That's great... cause he'd be f-u-c-ked if he needed glasses."

2006-08-17 16:59:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

any gud jokes 4 that

2006-08-17 16:58:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sheila the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it."

Cobba said, "Lets try Plan B."

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?"

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her" replied Cobba.

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her t-i-t-s."

"Play with her t-i-t-s"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."

2006-08-17 16:58:00 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Many years ago, a fisherman and his wife had twin sons, but they didn't know what to name them. The husband said, "Let's just wait. If we wait long enough, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks, they noticed something peculiar about the children. When left alone, one boy would face the sea, and the other would face inland.

"Let's call the boys Toward and Away," suggested the fisherman, and his wife agreed.

Years passed, and one day the fisherman told his adult sons, "It's time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." The fisherman and his sons provisioned their ship and set sail for a three-month voyage. At the voyage's end, the fisherman returned alone.

"What happened?" his wife cried.

"We were barely one day out to sea," the fisherman explained solemnly, "when Toward hooked a great fish. Toward fought long and hard, but the fish was great and strong. For whole week they wrestled upon the waves, yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Toward was pulled over the side. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear!" the wife cried. "What a huge fish that must have been! What a terrible fish! What a horrible fish!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."

2006-08-17 16:55:13 · 18 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-08-17 16:24:40 · 13 answers · asked by marfan's syndrome 3

EXCESS: The part of her breast you can't get in your mouth! SURPLUS; The other one!

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-17 16:17:02 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) I stand on one leg with my heart in my head. What am I?
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2) I have a mouth, I do not speak; I have four eyes, but cannot see; I have a bed, but do not sleep; Can you tell me who I be?
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3) What has six legs, two heads, four ears and two hands, and walks on four feet?
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4) I have a barrel without any beer. My sight is advanced, but I have no eyes. I have many chambers, but none are my home. What am I?
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5) He who makes me, makes me to sell. He who buys me does not use me. He who uses me does not know it. What am I?
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6) I speak when I am asked to, I always perform the correct role, I am punctual every day of my life, but everybody hates me. Who am I?
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7) I am lower with a head than without one. What am I?

2006-08-17 16:15:45 · 47 answers · asked by liltexas36 3

A monster's middle name is based on its first name and the color of its fur. Zachary has yellow fur and has the middle name Cay. Morton has purple fur and has the middle name Rop. Ted has red fur. What is his middle name?

2006-08-17 16:15:06 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I really need a pun like on those jokes on laffy taffys

2006-08-17 16:13:01 · 8 answers · asked by allief426 1

There are two computer's one of them always lies and one of them always tells the truth (you don't know which) Then there are two doors, one leads you out and one leads you to the dungen of death (again you don't know which one) You can only ask each computer ONE question. (remember one always lies and one always tells the truth) If you were to ask them each one question what would you ask them?

2006-08-17 16:07:06 · 16 answers · asked by popgoestheweasel 4

the first to get it rite will get 10 points!!!!!!!!!

2006-08-17 16:02:41 · 12 answers · asked by alissa d 1

BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN!!!
Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seemed to walk even further behind their husbands and to be perfectly happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said "Land mines"

My wife found it funny! How about you?

2006-08-17 16:02:39 · 15 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Each group of three definitions describes three words that are spelled the same, except for one letter (each group describes a different set of words). Example: king, ring, wing.

1a) a military rank
1b) a landed estate
1c) an elected official

2a) to turn upside down
2b) to cover completely
2c) to create for the first time

3a) a sticky substance
3b) jewel
3c) slang for "leg"

4a) to abuse verbally
4b) to make a new version
4c) to restore to life


i give u first answer its invert
invest
invent

2006-08-17 15:52:14 · 8 answers · asked by liltexas36 3

Ok Mr. Steven and his son are driving down the road. They get into a car crash. Mr. Steven dies on impact, the son is rushed to the Hospital. The doctor sees him and says i cant operate on him, hes my son.

WHO IS THE DOCTOR?????

2006-08-17 15:50:07 · 17 answers · asked by cheeks 4

Two fathers and two sons are strolling in the park. They get hungry and go to the hot dog vendor on the corner. They order three hotdogs, one for each one. How is this possible?

2006-08-17 15:36:25 · 17 answers · asked by hawt2trawt 3

2006-08-17 15:23:45 · 5 answers · asked by I-C-U 5

if your trapped in a room
with no windows or doors
only a mirror and a table
how do u get out

2006-08-17 15:10:15 · 22 answers · asked by looneytoon387 2

2006-08-17 15:01:01 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I cannot be felt, seen or touched;
Yet I can be found in everybody;
My existence is always in debate;
Yet I have my own style of music.
What Am I?

2006-08-17 14:54:34 · 25 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

An old man wanted to leave all of his money to one of his three sons, but he didn't know which one he should give it to. He gave each of them a few coins and told them to buy something that would be able to fill their living room. The first man bought straw, but there was not enough to fill the room. The second bought some sticks, but they still did not fill the room. The third man bought two things that filled the room, so he obtained his father's fortune. What were the two things that the man bought?

2006-08-17 14:50:13 · 15 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A guy gets sentenenced to death, he has 4 ways of dying. A fireing squad, gas chamber, assassins with fully loaded guns, and last, lions who have'nt eaten in 3 days.

Wich is the safest?

2006-08-17 14:32:39 · 31 answers · asked by Mr T 4

2006-08-17 14:29:59 · 31 answers · asked by jenn 2

2006-08-17 14:26:29 · 16 answers · asked by mistypitts39482 2