Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

gimme your best joke ever! make 'em funny!


HERES ONE OF MY FAVORITES:

A RUSSIAN GUY, AN AMERICAN GUY, AND A MEXICAN GUY ARE ALL IN A BAR.
THE RUSSIAN GUY DRINKS A BOTTLE OF VODKA, THROWS THE BOTTLE UP IN THE AIR, AND SHOOTS IT. HE SAYS "ITS OK WE HAVE ALOT OF THOSE IN OUR COUNTRY"
THE MEXICAN GUY DRINKS A TEQUILA, THROWS THE BOTTLE UP IN THE AIR SHOOTS IT AND SAYS "ITS OK WE HAVE ALOT OF THOSE IN OUR COUNTRY"
THE AMERICAN GUY DRINKS A BEER, THROWS THE BOTTLE UP IN THE AIR AND SHOOTS THE MEXICAN GUY AND SAYS "ITS OK WE HAVE ALOT OF THOSE IN OUR COUNTRY!"

2006-08-17 09:04:35 · 11 answers · asked by Ryan O 2

An electric train is traveling northwest at 95 miles per hour, and the wind is blowing southwest at 95 miles per hour. In which direction does the smoke blow?

2006-08-17 08:59:09 · 14 answers · asked by Fatty McButterpants 5

"No, no, no!" said the penguin, "I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder!"
"Surprise! Surprise! That's not my ear canal either!"

Oh no! The leak is coming from the Global Positioning Satellite System again!

"Mommy Mommy," Little Johnny replied, "is that why the souffl? is burnt?"

"Tokyo?" Said the nun, "You fool, I said take the hoe!"

And then my dad farted and it smelled and I said to my father you farted and it smelled.

And slowly, the sheep turned to each other and glared silently.

"Whew!" said the blonde, "I thought you meant the vacuum-insulated sealable container with the heat reflective inner surface!"

"No wait, you don't understand," said the fat man, "Pop Tarts are a substitute for my mother's love!"

As they opened the door they realized they were terribly mistaken. The dog was only taking a nap.

"Yeah," said the Scottsman, "but at least I don't have a scented hand soap named after ME!"

2006-08-17 08:50:12 · 7 answers · asked by vwallwood 3

ending in the letters:
__ U N T.

2006-08-17 08:48:32 · 17 answers · asked by VetteLeo 6

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champagne bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-08-17 08:47:47 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was researching a particular subject and asked the assistant in the libary for the title of the book I required.
The assistant said the problem with that book is once they are taken out they are never returned.
What was the name of the book I was looking for ?

2006-08-17 08:45:28 · 8 answers · asked by postypaul 3

2006-08-17 08:43:25 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer to follow 8/19

2006-08-17 08:35:33 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok a man goes to work everyday and he lives on the top floor of his apartment. everyday he rides the elevator all the way down and walks to work, when he gets home he rides the elevator to the 3rd floor the walks up the stairs the rest of the way...why does he do this?

2006-08-17 08:31:47 · 51 answers · asked by Anonymous

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

2006-08-17 08:31:05 · 11 answers · asked by Lady 3

son : dad i wanna marry .. i'm close to be (hanged)
dad : oh son you know the issue is sooo (blanc)
son : don't worry dad god will (repair) everything
dad : I understand that you've got the girl who will fill the (free space) in your life
son : oh sure dad she's even (pentium 4) such Original
dad : say what (pentium 4)? oh she'll make (conflicted) over you
son : No dad I believe god can make (scan) for any (error) in our life
dad : agree with you but you should make ( defragmenter) in your life
son : it won't work coz my life full of (bad sector)
dad : oh god, you've got (bad sector) so you want marry to get a (demo) child
son : don't worry dad i'll make (f.disk)
dad : Ok son

2006-08-17 08:30:25 · 8 answers · asked by the twist 2

1. How Far Can A Dog Run Into The Woods?

2.Which Of The Following Animals Would See The Best In Total Darkness: An Owl , A Leapord, Or An Eagle?

3. What Was The Highest Mountain In The World Before The Discovery Of Mount Everest?

4.If The Vice President Of The USA Were Killed , Who Would Then Become President?

5.Which Candles Burn Longer: Beeswax or Tallow?

6. What Five-letter Word Becomes Shorter When You Add Two Letters To It?

2006-08-17 08:24:41 · 44 answers · asked by Turkish Delight 2

Time to play again, if you did not play the first time this is fun.Just click on the link and follow directions...By the way my name is Crusty Stinker Head.


http://www.wilk4.com/humor/humorm210.htm

2006-08-17 08:17:10 · 28 answers · asked by ? 6

When is a car not a car?

2006-08-17 08:11:26 · 13 answers · asked by Fatty McButterpants 5

What has ears but can't hear?

2006-08-17 08:09:24 · 13 answers · asked by Fatty McButterpants 5

I'd love to hear about your inside jokes and slang and such.

"Whoa dang" is pretty populer with my group right now. If somebody says it the rest of the group shouts "Dang Whoa". It's cheesy, but strangly hilarious. Then they variate it you know, like playing "Marco, Dang Whoa" at pool parties and such.

I'd love to hear about yours!

2006-08-17 08:08:27 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

What has fingers but can't type?

2006-08-17 07:55:42 · 16 answers · asked by Fatty McButterpants 5

Pick one.

2006-08-17 07:53:29 · 27 answers · asked by Rev Kev 5

whoever has the funniest gets the ten points

2006-08-17 07:47:46 · 33 answers · asked by Pudge 2

holding a letter "d" in ur left hand what would you really be donig??????

2006-08-17 07:44:56 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

.....After 10 years the job still sucks :)

2006-08-17 07:44:32 · 18 answers · asked by brianlefttoe 4

just checking if there are any other retards in the room besides me.

2006-08-17 07:43:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

BLIOTCH!!!!!

2006-08-17 07:39:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-17 07:36:35 · 7 answers · asked by wlove 2

Cheers

2006-08-17 07:24:44 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who is hollaring and "who" are they asking to let go?

2006-08-17 07:24:00 · 6 answers · asked by Mr. Christopher 2

how would you rearrange the letters in the words: new door
to make one word? there is olny one correct answer
what is it???????

2006-08-17 07:21:54 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

An American saw a Chinese person putting a bowel of rice on a family members grave. The American person walked up to the Chinese person and said "When do you think he will come up to eat the bowel of rice", the Chinese man replied "The same time yours comes up to smell the flowers".

2006-08-17 07:21:30 · 17 answers · asked by marge8710 2

2006-08-17 07:19:50 · 39 answers · asked by Christopher S 1

2006-08-17 07:09:29 · 24 answers · asked by wlove 2