Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

and says to the bartender, "Gimme a double of your finest scotch. Bartender pours it--guy drinks it down in one gulp. He says,"I'd like another." Bartender pours a second one. Guy downs it. "One more," he says. Bartender fills the glass and says, "Son, you shouldn't drink like that." Young guy says, "If you had what I have, you'd drink like this too." Bartender says, "Oh, I'm sorry, what do you have?" Guy says, "75 cents, beyotch!!"

2006-08-17 00:38:12 · 7 answers · asked by Big Al 1

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

2006-08-17 00:36:01 · 10 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

it takes away your points, is this true?? GOD i hope not, because i was saving those sh!ts up to buy mother a new car!! that's right, she lives in michigan with me, where it is 7:30 in the morning!! mother would be so proud to know that i was up this early, don't tell her i haven't went to bed yet though!!

2006-08-17 00:35:05 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

is that secret enough??

2006-08-17 00:32:35 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The question is Whats Up?? now gimme 100 answers

2006-08-17 00:29:30 · 29 answers · asked by tallguy 1

A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who was a giant 6’8, what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer.
"You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket."

"Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you’d have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head."

2006-08-17 00:27:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they're the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, filling everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

2006-08-17 00:23:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-17 00:18:07 · 5 answers · asked by Big Al 1

How often is a clock that loses a minute a day right?

2006-08-17 00:17:36 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Only the stupidest answer will win

2006-08-17 00:15:53 · 37 answers · asked by tallguy 1

Jay Leno or Conan O' Brien and who is more funnier?

2006-08-17 00:14:01 · 6 answers · asked by tino r 1

2006-08-17 00:06:11 · 12 answers · asked by Big Al 1

First correct answer gets points.

2006-08-17 00:00:00 · 8 answers · asked by Cowboy Roy 3

two priests were out late night street fighting when 5-0 rolled up. the cops got out and maced the priests in the faces, and cuffed them. they were beaten and thrown into the back of the police cruiser. ahahaha, silly priests, stop the violence!!

2006-08-16 23:58:48 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

but then the Romans caught him again and crucified him and he stayed dead? No silly answers please, I'm not in the mood for a good laugh. Peace out.

2006-08-16 23:53:40 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

i need directions to a place nearby, i know about mapquest and all that jazz, but i need to know where it is i am in need of going!! you see, i went there last weekend, but i was entirely way too smashed to remember where the hell it was that i was at!! i do remember it was a large place, possibly a field of some sort. or by a field. i think it was west of wisconsin.... er, maybe it was chicago, maybe?? well this place was such a blast, this guy in a cut-off sleeve flannel gave me a ride to the fair in his large white van with no windows and all i did was eat a piece of his candy and i don't remember anything after that!! i am only 14 years old, and i don't remember much of that event, although i am pretty sure that i had my pants on inside out when i awoke, wierd huh?? well, i hope somebody out there can help, if so please contact P. swaybarlink at 313- 999- 69ME, thanks!!

2006-08-16 23:37:31 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-16 23:34:48 · 17 answers · asked by sshhrini 2

President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.
The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.

Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"

The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."

2006-08-16 23:32:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

what kind would you be?? for example i am an outgoing, serious, religious god fearing man, and i am also a priest, so i would be a stilleto, and beside me would be a young boy's sneaker........ oh crap!! forgiveth me father, for i have sinned!! oh man oh man!!

2006-08-16 23:30:44 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

No, no, no!” said the penguin, “I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder!”
“Surprise! Surprise! That’s not my ear canal either!”

Oh no! The leak is coming from the Global Positioning Satellite System again!

“Mommy Mommy,” Little Johnny replied, “is that why the soufflé is burnt?”

“Tokyo?” Said the nun, “You fool, I said take the hoe!”

And then my dad farted and it smelled and I said to my father you farted and it smelled.

And slowly, the sheep turned to each other and glared silently.

“Whew!” said the blonde, “I thought you meant the vacuum-insulated sealable container with the heat reflective inner surface!”

“No wait, you don’t understand,” said the fat man, “Pop Tarts are a substitute for my mother’s love!”

As they opened the door they realized they were terribly mistaken. The dog was only taking a nap.

“Yeah,” said the Scottsman, “but at least I don’t have a scented hand soap named after ME!”

As she spoke he whirled the egg beater around and yelled “EGG BEATER!”

“Isotope?” He replied, “That’s no isotope!”

2006-08-16 23:15:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-16 23:10:36 · 13 answers · asked by kinni 1

1. Why is norman black?
2. Where did sandara park?
3. where did vincent van gogh?
4. Is Marvin gaye?
5. What did henry sy?
6. Does jenifer love hewitt?
7. Is chow yung fat?
8. Why is alonzo mourning?
9. Is lucio tan?
10. When will Orlando bloom?
11. Is the birthstone of kevin garnet?
12. What did scooby doo?
13. What is victoria's secret?
14.kapag namimili ba c manny pacquiao?

2006-08-16 23:06:38 · 13 answers · asked by chaotic_blakpearl 3

A clock that loses a minute a day or a clock that doesn't run at all? Must have a why!

2006-08-16 22:49:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Management Story !
Story 1:
It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun.
Along comes a fox, out on a walk.
Fox: "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you"
Fox: "Hmm... But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws will only destroy it even more"
Lion : "Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed"
Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches"
Lion: "Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed"
The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with him.
Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.
Wolf: "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you"
Wolf: "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV"
Lion: "No problem. Do you want to try it?"
The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.
Scene: Inside the lion’s cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits that are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with him.
Moral:
Management Lesson
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.
In the context of the working world:
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.
Story 2:
It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tipsy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My thesis."
Fox: "Hmm... What is it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don’t eat foxes!"
Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing.
Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.
Wolf: "What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
Wolf : "you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.
Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."
Bear: "Well that's absurd! "
Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you"
Scene: As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.
Moral:
Management Lesson
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHOM YOU HAVE AS A SUPERVISOR.
In the context of the working world:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU OR NOT.

2006-08-16 22:39:02 · 13 answers · asked by easyboy 4

2006-08-16 22:30:57 · 6 answers · asked by Devil 1

10 points to the funniest one or one that I've actually never heard before. (Heard alot of them).

2006-08-16 22:14:42 · 14 answers · asked by bburgandy 3

Why are wrong numbers never busy??

2006-08-16 22:08:51 · 14 answers · asked by Ĩ Дιит Ќѓцѕ†¥ 2

A MAN WORKS IN A FACTORY WITH SERVANLENCE CAMERAS. HE OPENS A DOOR TO A ROOM AND ENTERS WITH ONLY A ROPE..
LATER THAT DAY A COWORKER FINDS THE MAN HAS HUNG HIMSELF.
THE CLUES ARE THE ROPE THE MAN AND A BIG PPUDDLE OF WATER.
WITH NO CHAIRS AND AN EMPTY ROOM
HOW DID THE MAN HANG HIMSELF
CLUE: WHERE DID HE WORK

2006-08-16 21:50:24 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-16 21:24:39 · 19 answers · asked by kokubenji 3

Just plain cruel.........hehhehe

2006-08-16 21:13:32 · 18 answers · asked by Sangy . 4