Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-16 20:11:32 · 26 answers · asked by tallguy 1

Narrator: In a hotel elevator a hunky man accidentally elbows a pretty lady's soft big breast.

Lady: Ohhhh!

Man: Oh! I'm very sorry miss.

Lady: hmm! (looking at the man with fiery eyes).

Man: (leans on and flirts) If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will forgive me.

Lady: huh! well, If that bird of yours is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room no. 69.

Narrator: Woouw! Woow! Ah! I'll better stop right here.

So guys wanna be that man? hihihi..

2006-08-16 20:06:49 · 18 answers · asked by Kheisofuzen 3

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.

The redhead sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

2006-08-16 20:01:33 · 13 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

If today thre are 0 degrees and tomorow the temperature is going to double, What will tomorw's temperature be?

2006-08-16 20:01:27 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

The minister realized his Church was getting into serious financial trouble. However, while checking the Church storeroom, he discovered dozens cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the Church.

Peter, Paul and Louis all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louis, who was a local farmer who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment -- poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here s the $200 I collected for the Church."

"Fine job, Peter!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you." Turning to

Paul he said, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles for the Church, and here is the $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That s absolutely splendid, Paul! You are truly a professional salesman and the Church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louis and said, "And Louis, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?"

Louis silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.

"What is this!?" the minister exclaimed. "Louis, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the Church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louis just nodded.

"That s impossible!" Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could!"

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louis."

Louis shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louis, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied," W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks or wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read It t-to y-y-you?"

2006-08-16 19:59:53 · 19 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

2006-08-16 19:59:39 · 17 answers · asked by Withanachchi L 1

I tried to sniff some coke, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. .. first phrase makes you think i'm talking about drugs, huh? haha...just wanted to put that out there

2006-08-16 19:58:55 · 8 answers · asked by someone in the world 4

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is sharp drop-off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

Whew!

Now: What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

No really, think about it before scrolling down to the answer!
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What you should do:



Get your drunk a-s-s off the merry-go-round!

2006-08-16 19:58:13 · 9 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they're the best. They just have to wait for the right person to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.


Now Men....

Men are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

2006-08-16 19:56:30 · 12 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

The maker of this item doesn't need, the buyer doesn't want, and the owner doesn't see?

Easy ten points. =)

2006-08-16 19:52:35 · 11 answers · asked by NecropolisXR 6

What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up???

2006-08-16 19:48:54 · 34 answers · asked by momoftwo 3

The Christian fundamentalist family wanted to buy a Christian dog, so they found one that would fetch the Bible. And then when you told the dog to look up First Corinthians, it did it right away. And then when you didn't feel well, the dog would leap up on your lap and put a paw on your forehead and say, " Heel."

2006-08-16 19:41:46 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-16 19:30:40 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Previously, we had this riddle:

Why did the peanut call 911?
A: Because it was a salted!

Hahaha. I never get tired of that one... hehe. And here now is today's riddle:

Why is it so hard to lift a pencil?

Have fun!

2006-08-16 19:30:03 · 10 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-08-16 19:29:08 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

IM me right now.

2006-08-16 19:23:25 · 12 answers · asked by Nocturnal Supremacy 3

ANSWER IS, you can beat an egg but you just cant beat, beating your meat

2006-08-16 19:22:08 · 9 answers · asked by scopexsociety2006 1

2006-08-16 19:16:27 · 8 answers · asked by Musty 4

2006-08-16 19:13:23 · 2 answers · asked by afu 1

2006-08-16 19:02:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-16 19:02:03 · 14 answers · asked by nicekrngirl 3

2006-08-16 19:00:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some of the jokes I've read on here lately have been the best ones I've heard in years. If you know any good ones (I don't care how long or how short), pls share them with me.

2006-08-16 18:56:46 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two turtles go camping and pack an eski with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not f-cking going!"

2006-08-16 18:54:01 · 17 answers · asked by rowdy7802 3

so men can understand them too !

2006-08-16 18:22:39 · 19 answers · asked by susie_q 2

Ok whose jokes do u like the most?

2006-08-16 18:19:58 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-16 18:04:30 · 29 answers · asked by yotaguy_26 2

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand
of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys
a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his
wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic rubbers?" she blurts, "What makes
them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver
and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she
asks cheekily.

"Why, Gold, of course!" says the man proudly.

The wife responds ruefully, "Why don't you wear
Silver. It would be nice if you came second for
a change!"

2006-08-16 17:56:13 · 23 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Whats your embarrassing story? heres mine:

My class, my gym teacher and I were going to the YMCA (that's where we have gym-class because my school doesn't have a gym}, and it was raining so it was really slippery. My gym teacher told us to slow down and stop running, and right when i told him to shut up under my breath, i slipped! Right down the stairs in front of my whole class! I rolled over in pain and rolled down the next flight of stairs! What made it worse was my best friends along with the rest of the kids in my class AND my gym teacher didn't even help me up but actually walked right past me laughing! I was sooo embarrassed!

2006-08-16 17:52:47 · 18 answers · asked by ♥Just Love It♥ 2

2006-08-16 17:45:50 · 12 answers · asked by Ronaldo R 1