Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

But no one could answer it. So I myself give the answer
NONSENSE IS BETTER THAN INSULT

2006-08-17 20:20:42 · 7 answers · asked by PMji 1

2006-08-17 20:16:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," the boy replied, still focused on the plaque. Then he asked, "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:

"Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

2006-08-17 20:09:05 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage.

The panda pauses on his way out, produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual, and tosses it over his shoulder.

"Well, I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation:

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

2006-08-17 20:07:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The process becomes more important than the product.

You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.

You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.

You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.

You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.

You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title (and security clearance) is an acronym.

You understand and support the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms.

You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance.

For example:

A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor.
The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention.

You've sat at the same desk for three years, and have done the same thing for three years, but have had three different business cards.

2006-08-17 20:06:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the engine of a Jaguar when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his garage.

The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, could I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, take a look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

2006-08-17 20:04:25 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-17 19:35:07 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time, we saw this riddle:

Why is it so hard to lift a pencil?
A: Because it's full of lead!

Heheh. I didn't know people still use lead pencils, because everyone got it right! lol. And here is today's riddle:

Why is the Energizer Bunny in jail?

Have fun!

2006-08-17 19:30:12 · 10 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

I want to see wheather I certain person close to the top of the leader board will answer this question with a spam list of joke sites because my question contains the keyword 'joke' in it, like he did to 160 questions yesterday?


http://answers.yahoo.com/my/profile;_ylt=AteQY5b_5SI5i3tAl8C9vX_sy6IX?show=AA10084738&link=answer&more=y&cp=1&tp=402

I want to see weather he is a person or a computer program.

Do you think my experiment will work?

2006-08-17 19:29:31 · 14 answers · asked by CELT GIRL 1

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a big ******?"

POLE: "No, she a little white woman."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say Polish Remover"

2006-08-17 19:22:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above

"You will live to be 100."

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100."

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live!

So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven.

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?".

God said: "I didn't recognize you".

2006-08-17 19:19:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man took his wife to the Rodeo, and one of the exhibits was "best breeding bulls".

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "You only mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

Then the wife got even more excited and said, "That's once a day! You could really learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow every time."

Funeral services will be Wednesday.

2006-08-17 19:17:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles whilst taking a bath.


"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"


"Not yet," she replied.

2006-08-17 19:15:39 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-17 19:07:53 · 18 answers · asked by Ammy 6

It was recently discovered that Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad Chuck Norris NEVER cries.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

A few years ago, Chuck Norris had the bright idea to sell his urine as an energy drink. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you cannot see Chuck Norris, you may be seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups, he pushes the earth down.

Chuck Norris was among the original four wisemen at the birth of Jesus Christ. His gift was the gift of beard. The other three wise men were so jealous of Chuck Norris' gift and Jesus' fondness of it that the three wise men used their collective political power to have Chuck Norris removed from the bible. The three wise men died shortly there after of round house related deaths.

2006-08-17 18:55:27 · 7 answers · asked by KiKi Jo 2

That the man who wrote the'hokey-cokey' died, they had trouble burying him, every time they put him in his coffin, he'd 'put his right arm in, his right arm out...

2006-08-17 18:38:16 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok check this out.

there are three pregnant women in a hospital. a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. they came for a check up on the status of their pregnancy.

the brunette gets called in. a few minutes later, she comes out and is amazed with the doctor's skill. she said that the doctor told her that she was going to have a girl because she did it in the missionary position with her husband.

next, the redhead gets called in. then a few minutes later, she comes out and is also amazed with the doctor's skill. she said that the doctor told her that she was going to have a boy because the position she had with her husband was that the she was on top.

it was finally the blonde's turn to come in. she was just about to go see the doctor when she stopped and asked the brunette and the redhead, "i did it doggy style. does this mean im having puppies?"

2006-08-17 18:29:20 · 16 answers · asked by likehoy88 1

So there are three men arguing who's car best matches their job and lifestyle.

So the first man says, "I've got a good one. I'm an astronaught and I drive a Saturn."

The next man says, "Oh, I've got you beat. I'm a pimp and I drive a cheap Escort."

The third man laughs out loud and triumphantly states, "Oh ya, well I'm a proctologist and I drive a brown Probe!"

2006-08-17 18:20:44 · 22 answers · asked by KiKi Jo 2

RULES FOR DIETING



If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink diet soda with candy bars, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.

If you fatten up the people around you, then you look thinner.

Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and are not part of one's personal intake. Examples are Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking cookies causes caloric leakage.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich, or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. For instance, spinach and pistachio ice cream, cauliflower and whipped cream.

Note: Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food.

2006-08-17 18:12:23 · 6 answers · asked by odoiii 2

Feel free to get creative, just not nasty. This is for fun please.

2006-08-17 18:08:58 · 15 answers · asked by KiKi Jo 2

Many times, people say that the women talk too much...

But there's no problem because the male ear is SELECTIVE
Example...

When women say:

"This House is a mess, Honey
You and I need to clean this
Your stuff is all on the floor
you will be without clothes
if you don´t wash them now !!!"

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

The male ear only understands:
bla, bla, bla, bla, Honey
bla, bla, bla, bla, You and I
bla, bla, bla, bla, on the floor
bla, bla, bla, bla, without clothes
bla, bla, bla, bla, now !!!

2006-08-17 18:08:43 · 12 answers · asked by maxvijay2003 3

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything is numbered.

The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think the file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and *** are interchangeable."

2006-08-17 18:08:37 · 11 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

A man wanted to enter an exclusive club but did not know the password
that
was required. He waited by the door and listened.



A club member knocked on the door and the doorman said, "twelve." The
member replied, "six " and was let in.



A second member came to the door and the doorman said, "six." The
member
replied, "three" and was let in.



The man thought he had heard enough and walked up to the door. The
doorman
said ,"ten" and the man replied, "five."

But he was not let in. What should have he said?

2006-08-17 18:04:24 · 20 answers · asked by maxvijay2003 3

2006-08-17 18:02:14 · 10 answers · asked by Shorty 1

I use to see it all of the time, now i can't find it. My friends going to Africa in the army, as a dental hygenist, and I wanted to email it to her as a joke, anyone know what I'm talking about??

It was like a joke picture

2006-08-17 17:59:29 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two parents go out on a date and their 15 year old son decides to have a few friends over. They take their parents' gin out of the freezer, wait a bit, and drink it, illegal of course. They are sober and their parents are going to go home in an hour or two. They put water into the bottle at the exact same level as the gin was before, put it in the exact same positon in the freezer. They come home and the father finds the gin bottle and is furious at his son. How did the father find out? Be as specific as possible please.

2006-08-17 17:58:36 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-17 17:55:30 · 15 answers · asked by ? 2

2006-08-17 17:52:36 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok.. so theres this guy is the restroom.. and he's doing his business when he hears sum1 ask.. "how're u doing".. he feeling awkward...answers "i'm good.. ."...theres a long conversation.. blah blah blah.. and then in the end the other person is like.." hold on i think some psycho in the other stall is talkin to me"... can sum1 please find me this joke online.. i need the full version... i tried searching for it but nothing showed up..thank you!

2006-08-17 17:47:36 · 6 answers · asked by . 3

Who was the first person to say 'See that Chicken over there.... I'm gunna eat the first thing that drops out of it's butt.....???

2006-08-17 17:41:44 · 20 answers · asked by Squishygirl 3