Does anyone know any good jokes? Can you please tell me some good ones?

Answer 1

Bush and Cheney are at a restaurant for lunch. The waitress comes over and asks what they will be having.
Bush says, "I'll have a quickie."

The waitress steps back in disgust and says, "Mr. President, I thought that kind of piggish behavior went out with the last administration!"

She storms off and Dubya looks confused. Cheney shakes his head at the president and says, "George, it's pronounced QUICHE."
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YO MAMA JOKE:
Yo Mama is like a bus, she's big she doesn't smell very good and it's only a dollar to ride.

Yo' mama so poor, she has to chase down the garbage truck with a shopping list!
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Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?
A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.
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Want to hear three blonde jokes?
Listen to Hanson!
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Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all his life, but Steve was hunting for the first time. Joe told Steve to sit down and not make a sound. So he did.
But when Joe got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said.

"Well, I was when the snake bit me," said Steve. "And I was when the bear attacked me... but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat them or take them with us,' I screamed."

Answer 2

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really

bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took

it to the repair shop.



The shop owner saw that she was a blonde,

so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really

hard, and all the dents would pop out.



So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and

started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened.

She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,

"What are you doing?"



The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to

blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said...

"HELLLLOWW ...

You gotta roll up the windowwwws..."

Answer 3

New infomercials that's spreading like wild fire.

HOT NEWS!!!Doctors have introduced the use of a device that enlarges a man's sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects.


It is called a magnifiying glass

Answer 4

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."
The nun agreed to his request. A short time later, two Military Police (MP's) came running along and asked if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said she could fully understand his fear. The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!

Answer 5

Bush In Hell

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Answer 6

Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned mathematician, the other a great philosopher and the other one is an idiot.

Since heaven was packed, St Paul summoned the three of them that there is a test for each of them. They are supposed to ask Satan a question each and if the Satan can answer them, they will have to go to Hell. A seemingly awkward filtration system to heaven, but heck, it works.

So the mathematician having thought of a way to fool Satan stood up and ask Satan to write out the most complicated mathematical formula. Satan snapped his finger and out churned 100 papers in which all the most complicated mathematical formula known to mankind was written and well printed. The mathematician was doomed and hung his head as he traverses the bridge to hell.

Next, came the philosopher, and he too thought that maybe Satan was great in maths, but poor in philosophy, hence he summoned Satan to write him the toughest philosophical statement in history. Satan took a whiz of a snap and out churned 100 papers filled with different types of complicated philosophy from different cultures and in different language. The philosopher too hung his head in dismay and walked towards Hell.

Then came the idiot. He thought for a while and asked for a stool. In that stool, he poked 7 holes, 2 holes in the first row, 3 in the second row and 2 more on the last row. He then sat on it and gave out a loud fart, turned to Satan and asked him, from which hole did the fart came out from. Satan looked at him and gave a quick answer, I think it's the 2nd hole from the left in the 2nd row.

The idiot laughed out loud and said, NO Satan, you're wrong this time. The fart came out from my ASSEHOLE!

The idiot walked happily to the Pearly Gates...

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.". The police said "it's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.". "Well, who was it?" "The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

Hope u enjoy these ^^

Answer 7

How to use an ATM machine...
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of cheque book
19. Re-check make-up again
20. Drive forward two metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided
24. Re-check make-up
25. Re-start stalled engine and move off
26. Drive for 3 - 4 miles
27. Release hand brake

SmileyCat : )

Answer 8

micheal jackson is moving to ireland. his new name will be Pat'o'file.

Answer 9

a child molester and a catholic priest enter a bar
he sits down

Answer 10

only if you will tell me how much beer could a woodchuck chug, if a woodchuck could chug beer!