Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

2006-07-20 23:31:21 · 41 answers · asked by ticia 1

.. and i shall give you 10 points in return! hurry up!....

2006-07-20 23:29:54 · 21 answers · asked by misanagiphoenia_18 2

(x / ( x^2 + 5x + 6 )) + ( 15 / ( x^2 + 9x + 14 )) - ( 12 / ( x^2 + 10x + 21)) = ?

2006-07-20 23:20:22 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-20 23:05:06 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've got two BABy teeth in my mouth.....does it mean i have become a squirrel ??? Should i go and start living on trees ?

2006-07-20 22:51:51 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."

In disgust the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?'

The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."

2006-07-20 22:38:55 · 8 answers · asked by ethermanx 3

Cuz it's to cold out tide....come on ,give me a break, there's kids watching.......!!!

2006-07-20 22:35:30 · 6 answers · asked by guvner_46 3

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

The Teacher fainted.

2006-07-20 22:21:13 · 16 answers · asked by renee 2

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.
The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

2006-07-20 22:19:51 · 8 answers · asked by flange2034 2

I lack inspiration this morning, that's all!

2006-07-20 22:16:24 · 26 answers · asked by cmilja m 6

2006-07-20 22:14:36 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady was on a plane, arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest. She asked him, " Excuse me Father, could I ask you a favour? "
The priest replied, " Of course my child. What can I do for you ? "
I have a small problem and wonder whether you could help. I bought myself a new sophisticated women's hair remover gadget, for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the customs duty declaration limits. As I do not have enough money to pay duty, I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock (A black garment reaching down to the ankles; worn by priests or choristers) ? "
The priest replied, " Of course I could, my child. But, you must realize that being a priest, I can not lie ! "
The lady said, " You have such an honest face Father. I am sure they will not ask you any questions "
So, she gave him the ' Hair remover ' gadget, which the priest put under his cassock.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. The priest presented himself to one of the customs officers. He asked the priest, " Father, do you have anything to declare ? "
The priest replied truthfully, " Son . . . . from the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare "
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, " And from the sash down father, what do you have ?"
Again the priest replied truthfully, " Son . . . . I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but . . . . Which has never been used ! "
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, " Go ahead Father. Next person please . . . . . !!! "

2006-07-20 22:11:02 · 10 answers · asked by easyboy 4

OK, 10 points goes to the first person that can make me laugh out loud! GOOD LUCK!

2006-07-20 22:00:58 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

2006-07-20 21:46:08 · 4 answers · asked by sistah2sista 1

Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle, Ireland.
They head to the bird section, and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop
and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Connor's Pass.
At Connor's Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot
drop and says,"Dis ooks like a grand place."
He takes the birds out of the bag, puts them on his
shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal,
Paddy shakes his head and says,
"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor's Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff,
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis" Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself
over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun
and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down, until he
hits the bottom, and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says,
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two
friends, when Sean O'Driscoll appears.
He's also been to the pet shop, and is carrying a
paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean O'Driscoll then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down
and down, until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head in disbelief,
"Fook dat, lads.
Dese adventure sports are too dangerous for me .
first dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, ...
den Seamus and his parrotshooting, and now Sean and
his fook'n hengliding

2006-07-20 21:40:04 · 23 answers · asked by flange2034 2

any greenminded,please, the funniest and the most geenmindest have 10 points. promise, any.... just want 2 see one funny greenminded joke!

2006-07-20 21:28:17 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the significance of the word

"sometimes"


guess away! check ya later ♥

2006-07-20 21:01:18 · 13 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

How do you stuff a rooster into a soda can?

You take the F out of SAFE and the F out of WAY...

2006-07-20 20:59:24 · 4 answers · asked by Spelunking Spork 4

why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

2006-07-20 20:49:17 · 8 answers · asked by 007james bond 3

A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored the voice.

The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignored the voice, though
he was very troubled by the event.

Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from work: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man heard the voice he became
increasingly upset.

Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house,
got together all his money and headed to Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, Go to Harrah's."

So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table." The man did as he was told.

When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed until finally it settled into number . . . 21.

The voice said, "Damn..."

2006-07-20 20:44:41 · 8 answers · asked by ethermanx 3

You just got Punk'd.

Muwhahahaahha let's get Crunk.

Night night, y'all.

2006-07-20 20:30:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman are riding next to each other on a plane in first class. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! Are you trying to drive me crazy?"

"I'm sorry to have disturbed you, sir," she replies. "I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him with a coy smile and says, "Pepper."

2006-07-20 20:26:40 · 25 answers · asked by ethermanx 3

A friend just emailed me and told me to "get over myself." Well this won't fly but I can't think of anything to say that isn't too cruel. I just need something that will put him in his place, not really hurt his feelings.

Thanks for all answers!

2006-07-20 20:20:41 · 24 answers · asked by Rose 1

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.

The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark?"

2006-07-20 20:12:07 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A night shift guard, while on patrol at night, dreams that the king will die in a plane crash. He tells the king about it in the morning, but the king tells him not to worry, and flies anyway. When he returns from his trip, he fires the night shift guard. Why does the king fire the night shift guard?

2006-07-20 20:07:30 · 4 answers · asked by 42ITUS™ 7

A string walks into bar and asks for a rum and a cola. But the bartender says, "There is no strings allowed in here!"

So he goes into the bathroom and ties himself into a knot and frays himself at the ends.

Then he walks back out and asks for a rum and a cola. The bartender asks, "Weren't you just the string that walked in here?"

"No," he says, "I'm a frayed knot!"

2006-07-20 20:02:19 · 11 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

A young man went to a house to pick up his blind
date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father
invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad
sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his
newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped
onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger.

Suddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart
and didn't know what to do, however, since the
dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and
feign innocence.

"Brrroough," went the fart! Dad peered over his
newspaper and said, "Rover! Get off that couch!"

The young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad
thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another
fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let
it rip, assured that Rover would once again be
blamed.

Sure enough, Dad peered over his newspaper and
said more sharply, "Rover! I said get off the
couch!"

Happily, the young man decided that he could fart
whenever the urge arose and he let yet another
one fly.

Finally, Dad threw down his newspaper in disgust
and bellowed, "Rover! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OFF
THAT COUCH BEFORE HE SHITS ON YOU!!!"

2006-07-20 19:58:20 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 drunks were walking down a railroad track
one night when one drunk stops and says,
"This is the longest set of stairs I have
ever seen".

The other drunk says, "Yes and these damned
handrails are too low too."

2006-07-20 19:52:30 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am greater than God.
I'm more evil than the Devil.
Poor people have me.
Rich people need me.
If you eat me, you'll die.

What am I?

OOH! I did find something funny! Check out the username and then look at the question.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ah08zGRC_jlwhTGkrymyd_bsy6IX?qid=20060720124034AAebHFt

2006-07-20 19:49:48 · 8 answers · asked by 42ITUS™ 7

Previously we saw this following riddle:

Why was the zombie so happy when he was found guilty of murder?
A: Because he got a life sentence!

Gigi gaga gogo... lol. Ok, here is today's riddle:

Why did the elephants go on strike?

Good luck! :)

2006-07-20 19:30:01 · 10 answers · asked by iamigloo 6