give me the funniest jokes...?

Question

.. and i shall give you 10 points in return! hurry up!....

Answer 1

Holliday Eats

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.

She also wants him to put the words "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with "Merry Christmas" on her left thigh just below the bikini line.

So the guy does that one and it turns out pretty good as well.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She replies, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

Answer 2

The World's Funniest Mathematical
or Scientific Joke

Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of mathematics.
The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer "one third x cubed."
She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?
He repeats, "one third x cubed".
She asks, "one thir dex cubed?"
"Yes, that's right," he says.
So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cubed...".
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic mathematics. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?".
The waitress says "one third x cubed" and whilst walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!

Answer 3

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

Answer 4

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident. Both cars are totaled, but luckily no one was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed. Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! "

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely ruined but this bottle of wine didn't break. It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man agreed, opened the bottle and drank half, and then handed it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"

Answer 5

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

Answer 6

a man buys a hot rod is driving it up the road he wants to see what it will do so he gives it some gas all he doing about 100 mph. cop blue lights him he says huh lets see what it will do . so he gives the car all it will do . loses the cop he thinks about it @ says im to old for this sh== so pulls over to the side of the road cop pulls up gets out of the car says i have 30 min. left on my shift if u can give me a reson that i have never heard before i will think about letting u go .... guy thinks for min. my wife ran of with a cop 10 years ago i thought u where bring her back. cop says good day sir.

Answer 7

okay keep this in mind the white guy lives in a town full of mexicans i am not racist i just think its funnie okay go

there is an italian a mexican and a white guy there all sitin there bullshittin and the italian pulls out this big jug of wine drinks half of it and throughs it in the air and shoots it the mexicans like what the hell i would have drank that why did u do that that italian simply said where i came from there is ton of wine the mexican agrees and pulls out a bottle of teqela drinks half throughs it in the air and shoots it the white guys says why did u do that well in mexico there is tons of teqela the white guy agrees pulls out a gun and shoots the mexican ! the italians like wtf whyd u do that ? the white guy simply says where i come from there in tons of mexicans!

Answer 8

Has to be
'Why did the architect have his housemade backwards'?
'so he could watch tv'

Obviously it only really works if you say it out loud because it is a play on words.
If you don't get it I will be happy to explain it to you but then it is not funny.

Answer 9

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?"

Answer 10

teacher : 5 + 5 how much
boys started counting fingers
teacher : shouted and said no counting fingers
boy put his finger in pant pocked and then counts
boy: shout back
teacher ,teacher 5 + 5 is 11