OK, 10 points goes to the first person that can make me laugh out loud! GOOD LUCK!
2006-07-20 22:00:58 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher
picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting
on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None.", replied Johnny,"cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are
thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women
eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her
cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger.
But I like the way you're thinking!"
2006-07-20 22:03:43 · answer #1 · answered by ♥Gilmore♥ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
here are a few jokes.......... hope these can make u smile atleast................
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
2006-07-21 05:07:58 · answer #2 · answered by Cutie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"
The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."
The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!"
The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie..."x
An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.
The clerk explained that the name of the store was Exotic Pets and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.
He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.
"Would that suit your needs?" he asked.
The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.
"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."
At this the woman's eyes lit up.She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.
Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.
After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.
Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.
"You see?" she asked, petulantly.
"Yes, I do," said the man.
Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."
A man is riding the elevator down to the first floor when on the 5th a beautiful woman gets on, they stand apart from each other not saying a word then all of a sudden the man turns to the woman and asks her "can i smell your p.ussy?" she turned to him and said "you certainly may not!" and proceeded to slap him, as he is rubbing the sting out of his face he says "well it must be your feet then."
2006-07-21 06:09:33 · answer #3 · answered by ethermanx 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Make someone lean over one of those cheap rubber pools , happened to me just today and I did a total back flip .....3 inches away from doggy doo not only that but when I stood up I was covered in hay , I looked like one of those cartoons were they've been tarred and covered in feathers..... my one friend almost peed her pants watching all of this.
You should probably just give me the 10 points for the courage to relate such an embarrassing story here .
2006-07-21 05:17:43 · answer #4 · answered by shellers 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special
learning centers, in short, everything they could think of to help his
math! Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said:
"Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't PLAYING around."
2006-07-21 05:54:32 · answer #5 · answered by Mustafa 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Holliday Eats
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.
She also wants him to put the words "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with "Merry Christmas" on her left thigh just below the bikini line.
So the guy does that one and it turns out pretty good as well.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She replies, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
2006-07-22 05:06:11 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
The Teacher fainted.
2006-07-21 05:06:00 · answer #7 · answered by renee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well.. I was going to try this..now as I'm posting this response, it occurs to me that I haven't got anything to say.
I can tell you that at the ripe age of 22 I had milk come out my nose for the first time ever this morning. I was laughing at my son... now that would have made you LOL!!!
Have a good one!!!
2006-07-21 05:05:05 · answer #8 · answered by mommytocee 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Two guys are out walking there dogs on a sunny day and come to a bar. One guy says to the other, "Hey Lets go get a drink" The other guy says, "no I dont want to tie our dogs up outside cause I'm afraid something will happen to them." The first guy says, "lets take our dogs inside, if they complain we'll tell them we are blind and that these are our seeing eye dogs" The other guy agrees. The first guy walks in and the bartender says, "sorry sir no pets allowed" The first guy says, "I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog" The bartender says ok and lets him in. The second guy walks in and the bartender says, "Sorry sir no pets allowed" The second guy says, "I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog" The bartender says "But that's a chihuahua!" and the second guy looks toward him and says, "They gave me a chihuahua?!"
2006-07-21 05:16:17 · answer #9 · answered by Jackal 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, well this is true,,,,,We had just moved into our new house when my son of ,then 3, awoke me one morning (he had snuck out of bed before I got up) and came into my room to tell me he had helped me clean. I sat up in bed and smelled something disgusting. Well, my little "helper" had gotten the parmesan cheese out of the cupboard and sprinkled it all over my carpets, in every room of my house. He thought it was the carpet deoderizer he had seen me use....Of course I couldn't get him in trouble but I had to open some windows!
2006-07-21 05:04:20 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋