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Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark.
A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!"
Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you ARE mistaken."

2006-07-25 08:38:26 · 17 answers · asked by ? 2

Ok here it goes, i give u 50 dollars to share for u and a friend but in the process u should take five dollars more than ur friend how much would u take and how much would u give ur friend, hurry up if u want the points!!!!!

2006-07-25 08:37:06 · 18 answers · asked by curious 2

There's this kid who lives on a farm. He comes home from school in a really bad mood. He sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks that. Then he walks into the house.

"I saw you kick those animals," his mother said. "For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week."

The kid's about to say something, when his father walks in the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat.

The kid says to his mother, "You want to tell him, or should I?"

2006-07-25 08:17:29 · 9 answers · asked by ? 2

A woman was sick and tired of her husband's drinking; so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan and, when her husband returned home drunk again, she leapt up from behind the couch, screaming.

"You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly. "I married your sister."

2006-07-25 08:11:23 · 17 answers · asked by ? 2

lol

2006-07-25 08:10:55 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

Oft I must strive with wind and wave, Battle them both when under the sea
I feel out the bottom, a foreign land. In lying still I am strong in the strife;
If I fail in that they are stronger than I, And wrenching me loose, soon put me to rout.
They wish to capture what I must keep. I can master them both if my grip holds out,
If the rocks bring succor and lend support, Strength in the struggle. Ask me my name!

2006-07-25 08:10:29 · 13 answers · asked by Petra M 4

2006-07-25 08:10:02 · 7 answers · asked by dishwasher67 6

i want to go stand up, what does it take to be discovered? any known comedy clubs in Rhode island? what steps do i take?

here is one of my jokes: what is the point in ghostbusting? ghosts are not real, if they were a metal box won't catch them! hey you with the vaccuum cleaner wake up and exit the mind of stephen king!!!

2006-07-25 07:58:14 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am 54 years old married for 35years father of 3 sons and granfather 3 times am i the oldest and wittiest person on this site.

2006-07-25 07:51:41 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jokes not Riddles and please keep it clean!

2006-07-25 07:44:29 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

man driving through wales and saw a sign which said 'eggs potatoes leeks and aspirin for sale.inquisitive he pulls in to the layby and asks the man why he is selling aspirin and the man replies(do this with a welsh accent) im a farmer see (geddit pharmacy) now that is a stonker eh.

2006-07-25 07:34:44 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

The oil representative addressed the Nampopo crowd.
"Now you have giving us full access to your mineral wealth, our company will turn around your country's fortune".
The crowd cheered and replied in the native tongue. "Umbala"
"Together, we can make every man jack of us rich"
"Umbala"
The Chief took the executives arm
"Well, your little speech seemed to go down well- Would you like to see our sacred bull?"
"I surely would and I thank you"
"Okay. This way but be careful, don't step in the umbala".

2006-07-25 07:29:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-25 07:22:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-25 07:06:34 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

when playing "hide and seek", what do you say when you give up and everyone comes out?

2006-07-25 07:05:36 · 7 answers · asked by Ian 2

Lil Timmy was in the principal's office. He had called his father to tell his father what trouble he had gotten himself in earlier that day in Ms. Bonner's class...

His dad picks up the non caller i.d. phone & says:

"Hello. Might I ask who's calling?"

Timmy: "Hey dad. It's Timmy."
Dad: "Hello son. Why are you calling from an unknown number? Have you skipped school again?"
Timmy: "No dad. Not this time."
Dad: "Good. Then why are you calling from school in the middle of the day?"
Timmy: "I got in trouble by that mean turkey Ms. Bonner!"
Dad: *Chuckles* "Don't say that. Why?"
Timmy: "For no reason."
Dad: "There must've been a reason for you to wake me up on my day off in the middle of your school day!"
Timmy: "Well. She told the class to stop laughing at my funny face. Since they kept laughing, she kept us from going to lunch for 10 fricken minutes!!!"
Dad: "Why the h*ll would she do that?!"
Timmy: "That's exactly what I said!!!"

I mixed it up a bit. RATE IT please!

2006-07-25 06:53:34 · 22 answers · asked by mani boo/poo 2

2006-07-25 06:53:06 · 2 answers · asked by Arnold 4

President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"
Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the President's ear: "Mr President, those are the Olympic rings.
Your speech is underneath

2006-07-25 06:44:06 · 17 answers · asked by postypaul 3

make me happy
make me sad
make me mad make me happy again
make me laugh
make me give you the 10 pts.

2006-07-25 06:35:55 · 33 answers · asked by nikki -nicole 3

2006-07-25 06:27:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need some good pranks that'll get a good laugh for band camp.. the seniors last year did nothing.. and.. well.. I think our class can do better (need to "welcome" the freshmen).

2006-07-25 06:26:16 · 11 answers · asked by h_c_a_08 1

Here's mine: Lysdexic

2006-07-25 06:20:54 · 53 answers · asked by Anonymous

What languages do you know?

2006-07-25 06:19:52 · 13 answers · asked by gagi4ka 2

Do you sell XL condoms ? Pharmacists: Yes we do. Would you like to buy some ? Woman: No mam, but would you mind if I wait around until someone does !

2006-07-25 06:19:32 · 27 answers · asked by alexcruz56 2

mine is Dane Cook baby!!! SU-FI!!!! he's a babe

2006-07-25 06:05:43 · 23 answers · asked by Dani 1

A farmer has to get his sack of corn, a chicken, and a fox across a river. The farmer is only able to bring one of the above items along with him at a time. The only problem is if he leaves the fox alone with the chicken, the fox will eat the chicken, and if he leaves the chicken along the corn sack, then the chicken will eat the corn sack. How does the farmer get all 3 items across safely?

2006-07-25 05:50:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-25 05:45:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle

2006-07-25 05:44:13 · 19 answers · asked by ? 4

plz tell me some REALLY FUNNY jokes.

2006-07-25 05:39:02 · 4 answers · asked by Kail G. Mavask 1

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