Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

2006-07-24 21:40:43 · 10 answers · asked by alleytress 1

Who's There?

Ben

Ben Who?

Ben Dover.

2006-07-24 21:36:30 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

whos there ur but ur but who uranus

2006-07-24 21:32:53 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this woman pregnant with triplets walking home from buying a few thing at the grocery store. well on her walk home a thief robbed her and shot her 3 times in the stomach. she made it out the ordeal alive and so did her unborn children but the doctors could not retrieve the bullets. well about 10 years later after the whole birth thing the mother was laying in her bed and one of her daughters ran in yelling, ¨mommy i was peeing and a bullet came out¨. so the mother told her the story of the robbery. well 5 minutes the other daughter ran in yelling, ¨mommy i was peeing and a bullet came out¨. so the mother told her the story also. well her son, the last of the triplets, ran in yelling... but before he could answer the mother said, "i know... you were peeing and a bullet came out". he said, "no..:! i was jacking off and i shot the dog!!"

2006-07-24 21:27:59 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-24 21:25:41 · 5 answers · asked by nan 1

A female being possessed a diminutive adolescent creature which had a fringed skin-type material which was spotless as a hyperborean substance.

2006-07-24 21:25:38 · 4 answers · asked by confused 2

Who is the older?
Who do you like?
Who should we report?
Who should we kill?

2006-07-24 21:18:18 · 3 answers · asked by police 6

2006-07-24 21:12:21 · 14 answers · asked by wambi19jencandy 1

A Native American decides to one day to become Jewish, (to wear the hats) and goes to get a circumcision.
He goes to a rabbi and asks how much it will cost, the rabbi replies $100, the indian shakes his head and says "too much" so he goes off to ask another rabbi, this time the answer is $90, once again the Indian shakes his head and replies "too much."
Depressed he asks his medicine man, who astonishes him by cheerfully replying "I'll do it for free."
A few hours after the procedure the Indian wakes up and reviews the results, "well?" asks the medicine man.
The Indian looks at the medicine man, shakes his head and says "too much."

2006-07-24 21:11:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-24 20:47:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple were at a golfing resort for their vacation. They were playing a golf when the husband accidentily hits the golfball to far and it smashes into a window. The couple go to the house and look around and they see a lamp on the ground broken. A man alks into the room and say "i am a genie, you have released me from me lamp and for that your get three wishes but in return you get one wish back." The husband says, "i want to be immortal"

"done" says the genie

"i want to never ever get sick" says the man

"done" says the genie

" I want to be famous"

"done, " says the genie, "now that you have said your wishes here is my request, you must let me sleep with your wife, i have been alone for nearl 300 years and i need a little sumthin"

So after an hour the wife and the genie are laying next to each other. The wife says "wow i cant beleive your were that good!"

the genie turns to the wife and says, "i cant beleive your husband still beleives in genies"

2006-07-24 20:42:41 · 5 answers · asked by ? 2

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replies.

The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"

"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."

2006-07-24 20:35:32 · 9 answers · asked by ? 2

The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place

2006-07-24 20:34:08 · 10 answers · asked by john s 2

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied,

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

2006-07-24 20:33:53 · 14 answers · asked by ? 2

A perfect man and a perfect women who were perfectly married one day decided to take a perfect drive in their perfect car. They were driving down the road perfectly when they saw a large figure down the road. It was Santa Claus so they decided to pick him up because that's what someone perfect would do. A way down the road, suddenly, the car crashed.

Between the perfect man, the perfect woman, and Santa Claus, who survived?

2006-07-24 20:16:50 · 31 answers · asked by ? 2

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.


Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.


"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F--K OFF!", the dog ate him!"

2006-07-24 20:10:34 · 11 answers · asked by ? 2

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."

The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some much worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colours didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now."

The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"

2006-07-24 20:07:13 · 16 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says to the blonde, "I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, so lets talk." The blonde who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I dont know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"Okay," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass! Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy is dumb founded but finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you dont know sh*t?"

2006-07-24 19:54:26 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-24 19:54:07 · 25 answers · asked by rpspicks 1

One day, when Little Johnny came home from school, his mom bought him a new basketball. He went over to the new neighbors house and a little girl came out. Little Johnny said, my mommy bought me a new basketball, and you can't have one!"


The next day the little girl had a new basketball. Then, Little Johnny's mommy bought him a new bike. Little Johnny promptly took it over to the little girls house, and when the little girl came out he boasted "Ha Ha mommy bought me a new bike and you can't have one".


The next day the little girl had a new bike. Frustrated, Little Johnny took the little girl out back, pulled down his pants and said " I got one of these and mommy said that you cant have one!" In defiance, the little girl pulled up her skirt and said "mommy said as long as I have one of these I can have all those I want!

2006-07-24 19:53:38 · 9 answers · asked by ? 2

A man is taking a woman home after their first date.

When they get to her door, he asks if he can come inside.

"Absolutely not", the woman says. "I never ask a guy to come in on the first date."

"All right then", the man replies, "how about on the last date?"

oh Harsh lol ♥

2006-07-24 19:52:44 · 15 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she.

2006-07-24 19:50:43 · 13 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-07-24 19:49:27 · 10 answers · asked by ? 2

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

2006-07-24 19:44:14 · 15 answers · asked by ? 2

2006-07-24 19:38:37 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Running Back, a Wide Reciever or a 300 pound Godzilla looking Lineman.

What position y'all thought I was talking about?

Getting jiggy wit it..

Word.

2006-07-24 19:36:53 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time, we had this riddle:

What type of books always run away?
A: The spineless ones!!!

Heheheh. Did you get it? :)
And now for today's riddle:

At what sport do waiters do the best in?

Good luck! :)

2006-07-24 19:31:09 · 7 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Saturday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday, Monday, Thursday,Saturday, Tuesday, Friday, Sunday, Wednesday, ____.

2006-07-24 19:28:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-24 19:18:30 · 10 answers · asked by go UCLA bruins! 3

Four married guys go golfing over the weekend and on Sunday
during the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued.
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able
to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife
that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that
I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my
wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the
fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't
said anything about what you had to do to be able to come
golfing this weekend. "What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am.
When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke
and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear
your sweater.'"

2006-07-24 19:08:05 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous