Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her expensive new outfit. She posed this way and that before her husband, looking on with disinterest, remarked: "Your bum is the size of a 3-burner barbecue!" Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed, he lent over, tapped her on the shoulder, and asked hopefully: "How about it?" She replied: "It's hardly worth lighting the whole Barbecue for half a sausage".

2006-07-25 05:36:05 · 9 answers · asked by Just Ask 2

25. if computers get to powerful, we can orginize then into a commitee- that will do them in
26. in any organization,there will always be one person who knows whats going on. this person must be fired
27. virtue is its own punishment
28. the firt bug to hit a clean windsheild lans directly in fron of your eyes
29. if you view your problem closely enoough wou will recognize yourself as part of the problem
30. opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment
31. our cheif want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. having found them, we shall then hate them for it
32. if you are given on open book exam, you will forget your book. if you are given a take home exam, you will forget where you live
33. procrastination avoids boredom, one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do
34. science is true. dont be misled by the facts
35. if an experiment works, something has gone wrong

2006-07-25 05:34:52 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

To give them a better grip on their brooms !! Hi Hi Hi Hi...that's why they always laughing Hi Hi Hi.

2006-07-25 05:31:30 · 15 answers · asked by alexcruz56 2

make me laugh... i command you!!!

2006-07-25 05:24:49 · 23 answers · asked by Friendly Neighbor 5

No, Emos aren't accepted anywhere!

2006-07-25 05:24:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

usually its kids but not always cme on spill the beans on ur nearest and dearest

2006-07-25 05:23:30 · 19 answers · asked by gerald_kelly2004 5

15. when in charge, ponder. when in trouble, delegate. when in doubt, mumble
16. no good deed goes unpunished
17. whenever a system becomes completley refined, some damn fool disvovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition
18. nothing is ever accomplished by a resonable man
19. when all else fail, read the instructions
20. you can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you cant fool your mom
21. the amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely eaual to the lenght of time already spent on it
22. when things just cant possibly get any worse, they will
23. man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on
24. all probabilities are 50%. either a thing will happen or it wont. this is especially true when dealing with someone youre attracted to

2006-07-25 05:19:18 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

hahahahahaha......i had you go'in didn't I?
hahahahahaha

2006-07-25 05:16:35 · 50 answers · asked by nikki -nicole 3

african american and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.

2006-07-25 05:15:03 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-25 05:09:18 · 13 answers · asked by bowl 1

http://www.pappywishbone.com/pappys-beer-belt

I just stumbled across this and think it's pretty cool! I'm thinking about getting one for my friend's birthday, what do you think??

2006-07-25 04:53:24 · 12 answers · asked by Francine S 1

2006-07-25 04:41:45 · 8 answers · asked by Makimaru_Harumi 1

2006-07-25 04:29:57 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three merceneries were sent to a tribe in Africa but the chief was angry. "We do not like people trying to change our religion, i will give you a test and if you fail it I will kill you. Go into the jungle and bring back ten of one type of fruit." So the three of them went off into the jungle and the first came back with ten bananas. "Now," Said the cheif. "You must push all of the fruit up your bum without making a single sound or i will kill you." After about three bananas the man could not do it and was killed. The second came back with ten cherries and the cheif told him what he had to do. The man was very pleased that he had chosen such a small fruit but after 5 cherries he burst out laughing and was killed. The man went to heaven and met the first mercenery there who asked him, "I thought you were going to do it then, why did you laugh?" And the second replied. "I just saw the third mercenery coming back with ten pinneapples!"

2006-07-25 04:26:06 · 23 answers · asked by pippiedooda 2

SICKO the Clown and keep this Circus running while I am on strike?
I hope someone will remember to feed and hose down Schlitzie.

2006-07-25 03:39:42 · 11 answers · asked by ? 6

"To Clap... Or Not To Clap....?"

2006-07-25 03:28:25 · 19 answers · asked by Leo 1

2006-07-25 03:24:37 · 21 answers · asked by baseball_bluez 1

what do you do if you find a trumpet in your garden?
Root a toot.
I know its quite lame but its funny to me!

2006-07-25 03:05:24 · 26 answers · asked by RACHEL 3

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boyfriend is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so, he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or the10-pack. The boy insists on the 10 pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. She says: "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in".

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious".

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist".

2006-07-25 02:58:01 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Edna had a little lamb .....................

2006-07-25 02:55:21 · 19 answers · asked by police 6

Harold is 82 and having some prostate problems. After examining him, the doctor gives him a specimen jar and says "Take this home with you, and try to produce a semen specimen. Stop by tomorrow and drop it off so I can run a few tests."

Harold takes the jar and heads home. The next day Harold comes in and asks to speak with the doctor. When he is taken into the office, the doctor asks how he made out. "Not good, Doc." Says Harold. "I went home and tried to do what you said. I tried with my right hand 'til it was cramped from the arthritis...no luck. I tried with my left hand, until I had blisters…no luck.

I asked my wife to help me out, so she tried with her left hand and with her right hand.... no luck. She even tried with her mouth. She tried with her teeth in, and she tried with her teeth out...no luck. Then we called Edna, next door, to see if she could help...."
"Good Grief man!" exclaimed the doctor, "You asked your neighbor to help you?"

"Yep." says Harold, "None of us could get the lid off that jar."

2006-07-25 02:54:17 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-25 02:45:47 · 37 answers · asked by baseball_bluez 1

2006-07-25 02:45:14 · 9 answers · asked by sneha 1

It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says,

"Well, make sure you're home by 10, so I won't worry." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys.. 11 o'clock... 12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys?

What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!"

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-25 02:39:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-25 02:36:05 · 11 answers · asked by baseball_bluez 1

2006-07-25 02:24:09 · 27 answers · asked by baseball_bluez 1

2006-07-25 02:21:50 · 24 answers · asked by baseball_bluez 1

2006-07-25 02:19:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-25 02:16:58 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

According to the Korean's, with some careful planning, you can make it last well into Boxing Day too!

2006-07-25 02:12:53 · 10 answers · asked by Yokay Booboo 3