Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change
the courage
to change the things i cannot accept
and the wisdom
to hide the bodies of those people
i had to kill today becasue the pissed me off
and help me to be careful
of the toes i step on today
as they may be connected to a-s-s
that i might have to kiss tomorrow

2006-07-01 16:37:17 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple had only been married for two weeks when the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."



Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.



"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."



The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.



The husband didn't know what to do. The only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar.. you know... they have frozen glasses... "



He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.



The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"



"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie

Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 4 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.



"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN ****! SIT YOUR *** DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT OUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED *** ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT **** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"





and they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? --

2006-07-01 16:31:52 · 12 answers · asked by xxxx 2

man: i know how to please a women
woman: than please leave me alone

man: i want to give myself to you
woman: sorry, i dont accept cheap gifts

man: your hair color is fabulous
woman: thanks you. its on aisle 3 at the supermarket down the street

man: you look like a dream
woman: go back to sleep

man: i can tell you want me
women: yes, i want you to leave
man: id go through anything for you
woman: lets start with your bank account

man: may i have this last dance?
woman: youve just had it

man: your place of mine?
woman: both. you go to your place, and ill go to mine

man: is this seat empty?
woman: yes, and this one will be to if you sit down

man: havent i seen you somewhere before?
woman: yeah, thats why i dont go there any more

2006-07-01 16:28:17 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Definition of a will: A dead give away.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-01 16:25:09 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

anyone know of some good/funny/Clever southern sayings they would like to share?

2006-07-01 16:14:02 · 10 answers · asked by sball124 3

2006-07-01 15:47:22 · 14 answers · asked by NikeSoccer 2

2006-07-01 15:38:05 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-01 15:37:56 · 18 answers · asked by kingofcheese4 2

The manager hired a new secretary. she was young,
sweet, and polite. One day while taking
dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While
leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir,
did you know that your barracks door was open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on
happened to look down and saw that his zipper was
open. He decided to have some fun with his new
employee.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss
Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this
morning, did you also see a soldier standing
at attention."

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied,
"Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled
veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

2006-07-01 15:33:08 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the day;

There can not be freedom of religion without freedom from freaking religion!

The Word of God as told by Pat Robertson

Pat Robertson recently made headlines when he stated that God caused Ariel Sharon's stroke, because Sharon was trying to divide the Holy Land. This is hardly the first time Robertson's comments have created such a stir. He also claimed that God sent Hurricane Katrina because New Orleans is filled with hedonists and homosexuals. While those statements got the most media attention, we managed to dig up the following additional, actual quotes from Pat Robertson. Enjoy.

Magic Johnson acquired AIDS because God had $50 on the Lakers when the Chicago Bulls defeated them in the 1991 NBA Finals.

God shot Kurt Cobain in the head because 'In Utero' was a disappointing follow-up to, 'Nevermind'.

God commanded my [Pat Robertson's] hairdresser to suck me [Pat Robertson] off in my [Pat Robertson's] dressing room. When she didn't, God blackened both of her eyes.

Osama Bin Laden is still alive and well because God always felt the Twin Towers were, "too towery."

God allowed the Roman soldiers to torture Jesus, because he was disappointed that Jesus gave up on the carpentry thing. Especially, after Jesus had promised to make God a napkin holder.

Satan was cast out of Heaven because he kept saying, "Ex-squeeze me?" and "Smell you later!"

God is black. He afflicted Africa with AIDS because he didn't want it to seem like he was playing favorites.

God doesn't mind you taking his name in vain. He does, however, get pissed when people talk bad about the guy that played Mr. Belvedere.

God thinks Nickelback is crap, and not just because they're all queer.

And while being a homosexual is a sin, God forgives them purely on the virtue of also being simply FABULOUS!

As a point of contrast, I think this is a good point for me to throw in a personal conversation I had with God.

Yesterday, I got a flat tire and I was like, 'Why me Lord?' And God said, 'B*tch, thou ate all the cereal this morning.' And I was like, 'Damn it, God, I told you I'd buy more after work!' And He was like, 'F@ck you, c@nt. Did thou not see the burning bush that sprang forth from the front of the box of Special K? Why didn't thou just eat the frozen waffles that you've had sitting there for 2 MONTHS?'

So, I just left. You can't talk to Him when He gets like that.

Well, that was just a small sample of the wisdom that pours forth from Pat Robertson each and every day. Hope you enjoyed it. And remember to keep watching the 700 Club. Robertson promises to reveal startling new video evidence that Jesus came over his house, and his neighbor's son accidentally struck Him in the crotch with a wiffle ball bat. Or that might have been Bob Saget. It was either Jesus or Bob Saget.

Hate to Hate You, Baby

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-01 15:30:01 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. women love to shop. it is the 1 area of the world where they feel like theyre totally in control
2. women especially love a bargai. the question of "need" is irrelavent, so dont bother pointing it out. anything on sale is fair game
3. women nver have anything to wear. dont question the racks of clothes in the wardrobe. you "just dont understand"
4. women need to cry. and they wont do it alone unless they know you can hear them
5. women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty
6. women love to talk. silence intimidates them and they fell a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say
7. women need to feel like they are people worse off than they are. thats why soap operas and oprah winfrey type shows are so successful
8. women dont need sex as often as men do. this is because sex is more phyisical for men and more emotional for women. just knowing that the man wants to have sex fulfils the eotional need

2006-07-01 15:23:31 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-01 15:21:09 · 12 answers · asked by ? 6

Willys cynical thought for the day;

I once ate a lot of natural foods then learned that most people die of natural causes!

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-01 15:09:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the day;

I ain't got a BIG ego! Hell no; I'm much too freaking cool for that crap!

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a ********?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."< BR>

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-01 15:07:25 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

In two weeks I will choose the best one!

2006-07-01 14:56:38 · 16 answers · asked by Snoopy as "Joe Cool" 2

1. men like to barbecue men will cook if danger is involved
2. men who have pierced ears are better prepard for marriage. theyve expereinced pain and bought jewelry
3. marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. in a world where there is more women than men, it pays to recycle
4. men are very confident people. sually they are so confident that when they watch sports on tv, they think that if they concentrate they can help their team
5. men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. not being the first is upsetting to their psyches
6. the way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else
7. a good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. these men usually have jobs and bathe
8. men love watches with multiple functions, preferably ones that have a combination addrese book, telescope, and piano
9. men are sensitive in strange ways if a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn he will take it personally

2006-07-01 14:53:49 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

2006-07-01 14:35:56 · 19 answers · asked by ♥Gilmore♥ 5

2006-07-01 14:30:42 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-01 14:21:29 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-01 14:04:01 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-01 13:54:27 · 6 answers · asked by wwechick28 2

You are in a hallway with only 3 doors. You are trapped except going through these doors. You want out. After each door there is a room then another door that goes outside. In one room there is exactly 7000000000000000000 poisonois spiders. In the other room there is 8 lions who haven't eaten in 3 years. And the last room is on fire. What room would be the easiest to go through to get out?

2006-07-01 13:51:46 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

y can't they be blonde guys

2006-07-01 13:06:35 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Think carfully. their are many answers but best 1 get's the points.

2006-07-01 13:02:38 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

the best joke gets 10 points!!

2006-07-01 12:57:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-01 12:46:24 · 16 answers · asked by blah 1

A man and his wife were driving their RV across the country and were nearing a town called Kissimmee.They noted the strange spelling anf tried to figure it out how to pronounce it.They grew more and more confused as they drove into town.Because they were hungry, they pulled into a restaurant to get something to eat. At the counter,the man said to the server:"My wife and I can't figure out to pronouce the name of this place.Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand?" The server looked at him and said:"Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

2006-07-01 12:39:52 · 16 answers · asked by chica 3

two whales in a mini .....?

( there are two answers to this, one just as ridiculous as the other! Ten points to the first who gets near 'em both!

( Clue ... keep repeating the question ! )

2006-07-01 12:36:57 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

To get to the other side . why did the pervert cross the road? He was stuck to the chicken. I thought it was pretty funny .

2006-07-01 12:36:04 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does anyone know any poems about the name Shane ?.....HELP!!!......David

2006-07-01 12:34:02 · 4 answers · asked by 3azaburd 1