Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

this is not a trick, it really can be done, and the sentence actually makes sense. see below:

a pub landlord commissioned a sign writer to write a new sign for his pub, the 'dog and duck'.

he specified that the distance between each word was to be 3" exactly. when the sign arrived, however, he noticed that his instructions had not been adhered to,the gap was instead 3 and a half inches between the words instead of 3", so he said to the signwriter:

"the gaps between the words 'DOG' and 'AND' and 'AND' and 'duck' is too big, can you please take it back and correct this error?

what do you think?

2006-07-02 09:41:13 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-02 09:40:56 · 25 answers · asked by Aint No Bugs On Me 4

2006-07-02 09:39:13 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

i wanna hear sting in these jokes!! and no old ones!!! like yo mamas so fat, she sat on a rainbow and skittles poped out!! no not allowed.. best one gets 15 points!!

2006-07-02 09:28:23 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's a restaurant in N.Y.C. that serves burgers that cost $100. For that much I want to have it insured. Where can I find "burger insurance"?

2006-07-02 09:27:55 · 11 answers · asked by spackler 6

1. broken masonry makes great drainage for potted plants
2. you get beaten up by people half your size and twice your age
3. you'll never run out of kindiling again
4. there is no need to wonder what belt to wear
5. you get to be on first name basis with the emergency room staff
6. the uniforms make nice pajamas
7. you get to appreciate the finer points of chuck norris's acting
8. you learn to count to 10 in 3 diffrent asian languages

2006-07-02 09:24:14 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-02 09:17:31 · 14 answers · asked by David 3

Posted a lot N answered a lot, i feel slepy but can't as i can't leave YA, am i an answerholic?

(@ present Iamigloo knows better about my history in YA - LOL)

2006-07-02 09:16:05 · 12 answers · asked by Pd 6

hmmm hard isnt it
but also fun to think aboout

2006-07-02 09:08:40 · 16 answers · asked by tyrafordiskool 2

I need to know SUPER FUNNY JOKES.

Tell me them all. I need some

2006-07-02 09:04:05 · 10 answers · asked by fatwhale90 4

2006-07-02 08:50:46 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-02 08:50:39 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the day;

Even on the most exalted throne you are still sitting on nothing but your asz!

Lurid accusations in ex-judge's penis-pump trial

Associated Press Jun. 28, 2006 01:04 PM

BRISTOW, Okla. - Serving on the jury in an indecent-exposure trial unfolding in this conservative Oklahoma town has been a giggle-inducing experience.

Former Judge Donald D. Thompson, a veteran of 23 years on the bench, is on trial on charges he used a penis pump on himself in the courtroom while sitting in judgment of others.

Over the past few days, the jurors have watched a defense attorney and a prosecutor pantomime masturbation. A doctor has lectured on the lengths the defendant was willing to go to enhance his sexual performance.

The white-handled sexual device sits before the jury box for hours at a time. Occasionally an attorney picks it up and squeezes the handle, demonstrating the "sh-sh" sound of air rushing through the contraption's plastic tubing.

The jurors sometimes exchange awkward looks and break into nervous laughter when the testimony takes a lurid turn.

Thompson, 59, is charged with four counts of indecent exposure, each punishable by up to 10 years in prison. If convicted, he would also have to register as a sex offender, and his $7,489.91-a-month pension would be in jeopardy.

Thompson's former court reporter, Lisa Foster, wiped away tears as she described tracing an unfamiliar "sh-sh" in the courtroom to her boss. She testified that between 2001 and 2003 she saw Thompson expose himself at least 15 times.

"I was really shocked and I was kind of scared because it was so bizarre," said Foster.

She testified that during a trial in 2002, she heard the pump during the emotional testimony of a murdered toddler's grandfather.

The grandfather "was getting real teary-eyed, and the judge was up there pumping on that pump," she said. "It was sickening."

The allegations came to light after a police officer who was in Thompson's court heard pumping sound3!and took photos of the device during a break in the proceedings.

Thompson took the stand in his own defense, saying the device was a gag gift from a longtime friend with whom he had joked about erectile dysfunction. He said he kept the pump under the bench or in his office but didn't use it.

"In 20-20 hindsight, I should have thrown it away," he said.

The R-rated testimony has produced occasional outbursts of laughter and surreal scenes. A man who once served as a juror in Thompson's court testified that he never saw the device, but figured out what it was based on movies he had seen.

The comment sent sidelong glances through the courtroom.

"It sounded like a penis pump to me," Daniel Greenwood testified. He said he had seen such devices in "Austin Powers" and "Dead Man on Campus."

Dr. S. Edward Dakil, a urologist called as an expert witness, repeatedly prompted laughter from the jury when discussion turned to the penis pump. Dakil defended use of the device after defense attorney Clark Brewster said it was an out-of-date treatment for erectile dysfunction.

"I still use those," Dakil testified.

Brewster paused.

"Not you, personally?" he asked.

"No," Dakil responded as jurors laughed. "I recommend those as a urologist."

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-02 08:46:40 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A damn funny joke sent in by Maani:

Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it is.

Oxford University allocated a budget of #500,000 for research. After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful fertilisation.

Cambridge University spent #750,000 on a research programme that lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because it maximised the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation.

Finally, the Open University spent #2.50 on a copy of Playboy and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end.

2006-07-02 08:46:40 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man tells his boss he can't come into work today bcause he has a headache. His boss replies "Do you know what I do when I get a headache? I have sex with my wife. Why don't you try it?" The next day the man comes back to work and says "Thanks for the good advice! I feel much better.
His boss says "It's no problem, glad my advice helped."
Just as he's leaving the man says "By the way, you have a nice house."

2006-07-02 08:43:40 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-07-02 08:41:44 · 11 answers · asked by Shooter 2

1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would

like to eat out. (remember this number it’s important)

2. Multiply this number by 2.

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1749.

If you haven't, add 1748.


6. Subtract the four-digit year that you were born.

7. Last step: Now add 7 to your sum

SEE BELOW

You should now have a three-digit number:

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times

you want to go out each week).

The second two digits are your age!!!

2006-07-02 08:38:19 · 46 answers · asked by projetkarma 2

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex?" He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
."I'll take the soup."



Welp.........how many chuckles did yah chuckle?

And what's you're favorite soup?

SmileyCat : )

2006-07-02 08:35:18 · 9 answers · asked by SmileyCat : ) 4

they tried to get on my head tdy yo top and bottom lip

2006-07-02 08:31:06 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pounding sensation in your ***....

2006-07-02 08:30:35 · 11 answers · asked by dad a 1

2006-07-02 08:29:25 · 3 answers · asked by Shooter 2

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were
playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed
in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."


Welp.........on the silly scale..how does that weigh out to you?
1-10. and what state are you having your drink from?
SmileyCat : )

2006-07-02 08:28:49 · 12 answers · asked by SmileyCat : ) 4

>Read this and do the thing at the bottom - its weird!
> > >
> > >This is very spooky......
> > >
> > >1) New York City has 11 letters
> > >
> > >2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.
> > >
> > >3) Ramsin Used (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993 has 11 letters.
> > >
> > >4) George W Bush has 11 letters.
> > >
> > >This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:
> > >
> > >1) New York is the 11th state.
> > >
> > >2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11.
> > >
> > >3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9+2 = 11
> > >
> > >4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers was carrying 65 passengers. 6+5=11
> > >
> > >5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known.9+1+1=11
> > >
> > >6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911.9+1+1 = 11.
> > >
> > >Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:
> > >
> > >1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254. 2+5+4 = 11.
> > >
> > >2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year. Again 2+5+4=11.
> > >
> > >3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3+1+1+2+4 = 11.
> > >
> > >4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.
> > >
> > >Now this is where things get totally eerie:
> > >
> > >The most recognised symbol for the US, after the Stars and Stripes, is the Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran, the Islamic holy book:
> > >
> > >"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The Wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace."
> > >
> > >That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran.
> > >
> > >Still unconvinced about all of this..?! Try this and see how you feel
> > >
> > >Open Microsoft Word and do the following:
> > >
> > >1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first plane to hit one of the Twin Towers.
> > >
> > >2. Highlight the Q33 NY.
> > >
> > >3. Change the font size to 72.
> > >
> > >4. Change the actual font to WINGDINGS 1
> > >
Ø> >What do you think now..?!









Q33 NY

2006-07-02 08:28:05 · 16 answers · asked by projetkarma 2

A Girl’s first time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

2006-07-02 08:21:55 · 20 answers · asked by projetkarma 2

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS


How many "F's" are in the sentence

2006-07-02 08:13:26 · 25 answers · asked by projetkarma 2

Three squaws were each preparing for the birth of their first child. The first squaw placed a large bear hide by a river, the second squaw placed an elk hide by a tree by a river, and the third squaw placed a hippopotamus hide by a path, near the river and the tree so that the three formed a triangle. It just so happens that all three women gave birth on the same day. The first squaw on the bear hide had a 5 lb son, the second squaw on the elk hide had a 6 lb son, and the third squaw on the hippopotamus hide had an 11-lb son. To this day, mathematicians credit these three women with the first proof of the Pythagorean theorem: The son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the two adjacent hides

2006-07-02 08:09:59 · 14 answers · asked by projetkarma 2

A teacher was taking his class of 12 year olds, and he asks them "Can anyone tell me what part of the body increases to 10 times it's normal size when stimulated?"
There is silence from the class, so he asks the question again. One little girl called Mary stands up and says "You shouldn't be asking questions like that to your class. I think it's very horrible and iwill cpmplain to the head master and he will have you fired!"
The teacher ignores her out burst and carries on, "Can anyone tell me the answer?"
One boy, timmy, raises his hand and says "the part of the body that increases to 10 times it size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
"Very good Timmy" the teacher replies. He then turns to Mary and says "I only have three things to say to you young lady. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, if you did your homework you would have known the answer, and Three, one day you're going to be very very dissapointed."

2006-07-02 08:09:54 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-02 07:46:36 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

What word can you make out of the letters
C and Y?

2006-07-02 07:41:05 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One Friday night a guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and asks if the bartender minds. The bartender says no problem. Snacks are on the bar-nuts, chips, pretzels and grapes. Guy asks the bartendet if it's ok to give the monkey some grapes. The bartender says no problem. The guy throws a grape into the air, the monkey grabs it and gobbles it down.
Bartender says "Hey, that's cool! Would he do that if I threw him one?"
The guy says, "Sure, go ahead!"
The monkey snatches the grape out of the air that the bartender throws and gobbles it down! As the night wears on other patrons of the bar start throwing grapes from all over the bar and the monkey never misses and gobbles them all down! The monkey is catching with his left and right hand to get them all, but can gobble them down as fast as they are thrown!
As it gets near closing time, and the patrons are getting drunker, the grapes fly from all angles and the throws are not as good. FINALLY the monkey misses one and it lands on the pool table behind him. While catching a grape with his left he reaches behind him on the pool table to get the grape but mistakenly picks up the Cue ball and gobbles IT down!
The bartender, seeing what has happend, says "OH NO! Tomorrow is Saturday, my biggest night, and that's the only Cue ball I have! Heck, I make as much off of the pool table as I do the drinks! This is going to cost me a fortune!"
The guy says, "Look buddy, I am really sorry but he's never made this mistake before. Tell you what, since you don't open til noon tomorrow, I will meet you here at 11:45 am with the Cue ball, Okay?"
The bartender says, "Yeah, Sure, Whatever Dude!" never expecting to see him again.
The next morning when the bartender arrives to open up there is the guy with the monkey on his sholder and the Cue ball in his hand. The bartender, being elated, says "Man, I really never expected to see you or my Cue ball again! Come on in and let me buy you a drink!"
The guy goes into the bar to get his free drink, and while fixing it the bartender says "Buddy your monkey looks really rough, what did you have to do to get the ball back?"
The guy says, "Well we stayed up all night and I fed the monkey laxatives all night long and finally at about 10 this morning he finally passed it so I washed it up and came right over!"
Bartender says "I bet that broke up his eating grapes from now on, huh?"
The guy says "No, he'll still catch them and eat them! Try him if you don't believe me."
The bartender throws the monkey a grape, the monkey catches it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it back out, and gobbles it down!
Bartender looks shocked and says, "Dude, Whats with this sticking it up his butt, pulling it out, and then eating it? Has your monkey gone CRAZY?"
The guy says, "No he's just fine, and actually smarter now. Ever since he passed the Cue ball this morning, he SIZES all of his food before he eats it!"

2006-07-02 07:40:07 · 21 answers · asked by frenchvanilla414@sbcglobal.net 3