Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

2006-07-02 01:02:57 · 11 answers · asked by cris _tinnik 2

2006-07-02 00:54:59 · 7 answers · asked by Ben H 1

A man walks up to you and says - "everything I say to you is a lie."
Is he telling you the truth or is he lying?

10 points to the first 'CORRECT', true answer.

2006-07-02 00:53:07 · 19 answers · asked by L A 3

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you THE POISON?"

2006-07-02 00:48:16 · 12 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-07-02 00:43:41 · 6 answers · asked by gibraltar 1

Tomato juice!

2006-07-02 00:38:41 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

Were smoked sausages originally smoked in the mouth like cigarettes?

2006-07-02 00:18:17 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

AND THE ANSWER IS because F=MA that is short form of mom.

2006-07-02 00:06:14 · 9 answers · asked by catherene 1

2006-07-01 23:55:19 · 5 answers · asked by cindy b 2

Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chiefs surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully d*ckhead, for the last time,
I said, "Bring Posse!"

2006-07-01 23:28:22 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-01 23:20:54 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck,
"Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too.
Been in and out of puddles all day myself.
What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
"So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

2006-07-01 23:18:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to
her class the definition of the word "definitely"
to them. To make sure the students have a good
understanding of the word, she asks them to use
it in a sentence. When called upon the first
student says " The sky is definitely blue". The
teacher said " Well that isn't entirely correct
because sometimes it's gray and cloudy". Another
student says" Grass is definitely green". Teacher
again replies " If grass doesn't get enough water
it turns brown, so that isn't really correct".
Another student raises his hand and asks the
teacher "Do farts have lumps?". The teacher
replied, "No, and that is not a suitable question
for class discussion". The student replies,
"Then I definitely **** my pants".

2006-07-01 23:14:22 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties.
"After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."
----------------X---------------
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable a*shole!" she screamed.
Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

2006-07-01 23:07:17 · 9 answers · asked by Pd 6

Is written triple times in alphabets?
:)

2006-07-01 22:54:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

ive already read a bunch of other ppls answers for jokes, but i want some too, and i will give ten points to the most shocking joke. please entertain me.

2006-07-01 22:44:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the bartender, and eventually finishes the other two.

This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you." The other gentleman replies, "No, I prefer it this way. See, I'm very close to my two brothers. They're both in Ireland now and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together." The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested.

This goes on for several months, and then one day, the guy orders two shots. Well the bartender begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. He's gotten to know this guy over the months and finally feels it necessary to ask.

2006-07-01 21:57:01 · 9 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-07-01 21:56:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice, even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.
But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.
Even though you won't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
.....(cont)

2006-07-01 21:56:09 · 10 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

Itz rated as the best poem of 2005.........
When I born, I Black,

When I grow up, I Black,

When I go in Sun, I Black,

When I scared, I Black,

When I sick, I Black,

And when I die, I still black.......

And you White fella,

When you born, you Pink,

When you grow up, you White,

When you go in Sun, you Red,

When you cold, you Blue,

When you scared, you Yellow,

When you sick, you Green,

And when you die, you Gray........


And you calling me Colored ???????????

2006-07-01 21:51:11 · 7 answers · asked by sb 2

any body puts really funny jokes gets 10 points

2006-07-01 21:47:56 · 25 answers · asked by Mo 1

First right answer gets the 10 points....

2006-07-01 21:45:31 · 6 answers · asked by jensarquist 3

Tony man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

Tony says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The next day, Tony brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing! You're right, how did you know?"

His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "I don't like her."

2006-07-01 21:45:23 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

An old lady in a nursing home keeps gettin pulled over in her wheelchair. First she goes whipping around the corner and Goofy Gary stops her and says, "Hey, you got a license for that thing?" She looks in her purse, pulls out a Kit Kat wrapper and shows it to him. "OK" he says, and she moves along. Then she goes whipping through the psych ward and Crazy Chris pulls her over, "Hey you got proof insurance for that thing?" he asks. She reaches into her purse, and pulls out a Pringles lid. "Go ahead, but slow down" he tells her. The next thing you know, Nude Ned pulls her over, she looks at him and says, "Oh no, not another breathalizer test." Funny or what????

2006-07-01 21:13:43 · 19 answers · asked by jensarquist 3

Sperm Count


An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar which as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man expliained:
Well, doc, it's like this- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I asked by wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in , then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both her hands, then an armpit and even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
Rate 1-10 Best Comments

2006-07-01 20:35:08 · 13 answers · asked by SmileyCat : ) 4

There was a man let say he from the country in Asia, then went one county in America. Then he went to the exotic restaurant and ordered a penguin soup, then after he ate the penguin soup, he went back home and killed himself. Why did the man killed himself, Answer this by telling the whole story. The closest one gets the 10 points.

2006-07-01 20:24:54 · 12 answers · asked by ? 2

One who gets this get the 10 points

2006-07-01 20:15:47 · 14 answers · asked by ? 2

a man rides into a town on a white horse on wednesday, stays 3 days in that town, then rides out on his white horse on Tuesday.
How is this possible?

riddle # 2: what exists but was never made or created?

2006-07-01 20:05:52 · 11 answers · asked by JB 1

all the trains that pass through grand central station or all the trees that are cut down to make US dollar bills in circulation?

2006-07-01 19:45:00 · 16 answers · asked by shogunly 5

how does a bulimic girl feed her cat?

2006-07-01 19:41:54 · 5 answers · asked by Maria 2