Any body gives me funny jokes will get 10 points!?

Question

any body puts really funny jokes gets 10 points

Answer 1

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Answer 2

this is how that above (MKwatever) joke really goes:

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

also, i heard this a couple days ago

Mickey Mouse went to a divorce lawyer for a meeting about a divorce between him and Minnie. After Mickey explained why, his lawyer said, "You shouldn't have a divorce from Minnie just because you think shes a little crazy." Mickey says,"I didn't saying she was "a little crazy", I said she was fu@*ing Goofy!!!!

Answer 3

A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to go for hours and hours." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. " The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"

Answer 4

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"

Answer 5

BLONDES ON EVEREST
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen, the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.

Answer 6

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.
>She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she
>pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man
>here will buy a lady a drink?"
>
>The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at
>the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the
>counter and bellowed; "Give the ballerina a drink!"
>
>The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She
>turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
>revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked; "What man here will buy
>a lady a drink?"
>
>Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar
>and said: "Give the ballerina another drink!"
>
>The bartender approached the little drunk and said; "I say, old
>chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but
>why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
>
>The drunk replied; "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to
>be a ballerina!"
____________________________________________________

A girl goes into her backyard and asks her dad.

"Dad, what's sex?"

He told her about everything. . .

He asked, "Why'd you want to know?"
She replied, "Cause mum said dinner will be ready in a couple of them."
____________________________________________________

A man goes to a restaurant that claims they can cook any dish, and if it can't you will get $100. The man goes up to the counter, thinking he can get the $100. He orders

Kangaroo Balls on Toast.

After waiting quite a while, his meal still didn't show up, so he asked the waitress for his $100, she slipped it to him discretely in a napkin.

She said, "Please do not show any one, this has never happened before. . ."
He cut in " Well, Kangaroo Balls are hard to come across"
"No sir, you don't get it, we've run out of bread!!"

Answer 7

This guy comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the bartender, and eventually finishes the other two.

This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you." The other gentleman replies, "No, I prefer it this way. See, I'm very close to my two brothers. They're both in Ireland now and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together." The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested.

This goes on for several months, and then one day, the guy orders two shots. Well the bartender begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. He's gotten to know this guy over the months and finally feels it necessary to ask.

"Is everything alright?" the bartender asked. "What do you mean?" replied the gentleman. "Well," the bartender said, "all these months you've ordered three drinks. Now you've only ordered two. Something didn't happen to one of your brothers, did it?" "No," the gentleman replied. "They are okay. It's just that I quit drinking."

haha check ya later ♥

Answer 8

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar which as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the
and the man expliained:
Well, doc, it's like this- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I asked by wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in , then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both her hands, then an armpit and even
tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open." hope you like it!!

Answer 9

God and the Harley Davidson Inventor


Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Answer 10

ok i got this on my myspace but its kinda gross but i think its super funny!!!!!!!!!!!!its a sex joke!

SEX JOKE
Okay so a guy is
nearing the
end of his
senior
year in high school.
Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his
younger
brother who is only 9
years
old.




One night, he decides to bring his
girlfriend home
for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that
his little
brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb
up
to the top bunk.
As you
might expect things start to heat up.






The guy remembers that his little brother
is
sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants
it
harder and "tomato" if
she
wants a new position.







Lettuce!!!

























Tomato!!!

























Lettuce!!!


























Tomato!!!


























Lettuce!!!























Tomato!!!
























She screams.

























Lettuce!!!






























Tomato!!!





Whoa!!!








PULL IT OUT!!!















PULL IT OUT NOW!!!












I can't get pregnant!


















Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey,
would you
guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise
all over my
face!*!*!*!*!

HAHAHA!!!!!!!!