Funny Jokes Best Gets Best Answer!?

Answer 1

The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
Fifty fun things to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"

Answer 2

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of money on the bar, filled with $50 bills. He asks the bartender about it.

The bartender says, "Well, we've got this running bet going. $50 gets you in, if you do 3 things, then you win the whole jar."

"What are the 3 things?" the guy asks.

The bartender replies,"Well you see the bouncer by the door?"

"That huge fellow? What about him?"

"If you can knock him out with one punch, that's the first thing."

The guy asks,"OK, then what?"

The bartender points toward the store room. "Back in that room, I've got an pit bull with a bad tooth. The tooth's driving him crazy, and no one can get near him. If you pull that tooth, that's the second thing."

"That's crazy. What's the third thing?"

The bartender leans over and says quietly, "My wife's grandmother lives upstairs. She's been widowed for 40 years, and hasn't had sex in all that time. It's made her real mean, so if you can give her an orgasm, it will make our lives a LOT easier... and you'll win the jar of cash!"

"Forget it! Give me a beer..." the guy replies.

But after several more beers, he's thinking and brooding. He stares at the bouncer by the door for a while, and after his 10th beer, he pulls out a $50 bill and puts it in the jar.

The bar goes silent as he walks over to the bouncer and WHAM!! Knocks the big man out cold. The crowd cheers, then falls silent as he walks toward the store room, opens the door and steps inside...

A horrible struggle is heard, glass breaking, heavy things bouncing off the walls, a large dog with a terrifying growl, snarling, loud barking, then suddenly... A soft whispering whine, like a little puppy.

The guy comes out of the room, his clothes torn to shreds, bleeding from cuts all over, and wearing a huge grin...

"Now then! Where's that old lady with the bad tooth?"

Answer 3

Sorry to all the blondes out there, but I'm not one, so I love blonde jokes.

Anyway, this blonde is driving in the country somewhere and she doesn't really know the area where she's driving, so without realizing it, she's going 20 miles over the speed limit. So she gets pulled over and the cop also happens to be blonde. The cop comes up to the car and asks her for her registration and her driver's license. She doesn't have them, so the cop asks her for a picture i.d. of some sort just so she can make sure she is who she says she is. The blonde doesn't have a picture, so she takes out a mirror, looks at herself in it and hands it to the cop. The blonde cop looks in it too and says, "Hey, I didn't know you were a cop too. Why didn't you say so?" and lets the blonde go.

OK, it was a lot funnier drunk...oh well!

Answer 4

Excitement in Undertaking!


There were two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.
Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.
"I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.
"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement."
"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," said his friend.
"Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room.
When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat...
You want to talk about excitement! I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!"

Answer 5

Naturally

Answer 6

A lady walks into this diner sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger.
The huge woman behind the counter bellows,
"One burger!"
Ed the cook, who's even bigger and more disgusting, screams,
"Bur-ger!",
Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
The lady says,
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen."
The waitress replies,
"Oh yeah? That's nothing. You should be here in the morning when he makes the DOUGHNUTS."

Answer 7

ok.... a guy loves beans.... anywho.... one day it was his birthday... so he's allowed off work early. on his way home his wife calls. "Honey, come home... i have a birthday surprise for you!" as he eagerly drives home.... his car breaks down, and he only has 20 dollars, not enough for a towe... so he starts his walk home. he passes a bean cafe with a sighn in the window saying" All you can eat beans!!! 15 dollars only!!!" the man knew he should be getting home.... but he was so hungry and he had 15 dollars. so he ate.... and ate..... and ate till they had to close down the cafe. Full and satified the man finally gets home. but the moment he comes home he's suddenly blindfolded by his wife. "I want the surprise to be secret till it's ready, ok?" "Sure" the man says. she guilds him to the dining room table and he sat down. "Are you ready?" she said. "Yep" he replied. but just when she was about to pull of the blinfold, the phone rang. "oh, be right back, don't peek!" she said as she scurried into the kitchen to the phone. as the man sat, he had a powerful urge to fart. so, he let it rip. the smell quickly filled the room and he searched for his napkin to cover his nose from the stench. then.... he had an even more powerful urger to pass gas... he heard his wife still on the phone so he let it out. this time... it made a loud disgusting noise and smelled even worse!.... but just when he thought he was done.. an uncontrolable one slipped out. it shook the silver wear on the table as a toxic fume filled the air. he used his napkin to wipe the smell away. finally his wife returned. "Are you ready for your surprise?" "Yes" the man said innocently. she pulled the blindfold off, and they're were 12 dinner guests at the table.

Answer 8

God and the Harley Davidson Inventor


Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Answer 9

This is a REALLY funny joke:

once there was 2 guys in the dessert . they had been there for weeks so they were hungry and really thirsty. Suddenly they spot a cabin , and quickly RUN to it. they knock as hard as they can hoping somebody will b there. then this old, hairy, smelly, fat, greasy lady comes out and says "what the f uck do you want?!"
one of them says "we are very very thirsty and please can you give us some water???" ...she quickly says "umm..i'll tell u what i'll give ya'll some water if one of ya'll fuc ks me"...one of the guy says "hell no im not fuc kin that bit ch" ..then she slams the door. A few minutes later the other guy knocks on the cabin and says " ok i'll tell you what, i'll f uck you but under one condition, i have to blindfold you." she agrees and she takes off her clothes. the guy desperate for water gets grossed out so he takes a corn on the cob and fuc ks her with it and throws it out the window. She says "again again! " so he fu cks her again and again he throws out the corn out the window. When she's finally satisfied she gives him the water and he runs outside to his friend and says " duude i got the water we're not going to die" then his friend responds " fu ck the water i want some more buttered corn!! "


the end

Answer 10

A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard.

None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?", he asks.

"It's of a big rooster", she replies.

"All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."

When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out. He takes one look at what she's been struggling with and says, "Oh, for heavens sake, put the cornflakes back in the box!"

Answer 11

a bear and a lion and a chicken having a chat in the jungle.they were all boasting about how good they were.bear says all i have to do is roar and the jungle goes quite,lion says thats nothing all i have to do is roar and every one leaves the jungle,the chickin says thats nothing all i have to do is cough and the whole world shits itself.