Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

1. he is de[riving a village of its idiot
2. not the brightest buld on the christmas tree
3. a few peas short of a casserole
4. fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
5. an intellect rivalled only by garden tools
6. chimneys clogged
7. doesnt have all his dogs on one leash
8. elevator doesnt go all the way to the top floor
9. forgot to pay her brain pill
10. her sewing machines out of thread
11. his antenna doesnt pick up all the channels
12. his belt doesnt go through all the loops
13. missing a few buttons on his remote control
14. not the sharpest knife on in drawer
15. the whels spinning, but the hamster s dead
16. she doesnt have all the chairs around the table
17. shes not the brightest crayon in the box
18. about as sharp as a marble

2006-07-10 16:51:57 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-10 16:51:25 · 13 answers · asked by babulo 1

2006-07-10 16:50:31 · 61 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

2006-07-10 16:47:59 · 23 answers · asked by ♥Gilmore♥ 5

NO dirty jokes please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ten points 4 the funniest!!!!!!!

2006-07-10 16:37:19 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

1 coming home i drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree i dont have
2 the other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions
3 i though my window was down but i found out it was up when i put my hand through it
4 i collided with a stationary truck coming the other way
5 a truck backed through my windsheild into my wifes face
6 a pedestrian hit me and went under my car
7 the guy was all over the road i had to swerve a number of times before i hit him
8 i pulled away from the side of the road glanced at my mother in law and headed over the embankment
9 in my attempt to kill a fly i drove into a telephone pole
10 i had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home as i reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision
11 i had been driving for 40 years when i fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident
12 i was on my way to the docters with rear end trouble when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident

2006-07-10 16:35:01 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his wang and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his Wang without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

2006-07-10 16:24:32 · 21 answers · asked by tybardy 4

I'm not referring to a name one gives a penis.

2006-07-10 16:20:51 · 44 answers · asked by dhalia_1977 4

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a sh*t."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and sh*t."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my a*s." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with sh*t all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your a*s with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

2006-07-10 16:10:39 · 21 answers · asked by ♥Gilmore♥ 5

2006-07-10 16:04:10 · 5 answers · asked by manthintall1 2

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

2006-07-10 16:04:10 · 10 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Can Anyone Tell Me Some GOOD jokes? I need something that will actually make me laugh.

2006-07-10 16:03:02 · 10 answers · asked by Brosiph 1

Some bad guy dies and ends up in Hell. The Devil tells him that he must choose which Hell he will spend eternity in. So, he looks in door #1, and sees people locked in some horrible dungeon, withering away in misery and despair. "No way."
Next, he checks out door #2, and he sees people chained together, forced to work as slaves under the brutal watch of the slave driver. This Hell is a hot pit, and they endlessly pounding away at solid rock. "Couldn't bare this one either."
Finally, he peeks into the third door, and he's amazed to see a bunch of people standing around in a seemingly endless pool of diarrhea, which submerges them up to their knees. However, they don't seem to be in any pain or anguish at all. They're just standing around drinking coffee.
"I'll take Hell #3." The Devil says "Are you sure? There's no turning back." "Yes, I can endure this".
So, the Devil opens the door and the minute he gets in, he shouts "OK, coffee break's over, get back on your heads!"

2006-07-10 15:59:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok people heres what you got to do
who ever writes the longest story wins.pretty easy huh.well your wrong,got to write a story without using an e!
who ever writes the longest story without e's wins 10p
this question will be gone in 3 days
rules:cant copy hahaha

2006-07-10 15:58:33 · 19 answers · asked by AvesPro 5

2006-07-10 15:58:10 · 3 answers · asked by ? 6

2006-07-10 15:54:25 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

were to sniff a dooble and that zooked a racka-macka tree, what nostril would burn a crimson hue of sunshine?

2006-07-10 15:35:20 · 12 answers · asked by shine2blight@sbcglobal.net 1

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking
down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred
dollar bill.
Who gets it?

2006-07-10 15:31:36 · 17 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

Hmmm...yes no yes no yes no yes

2006-07-10 15:29:22 · 19 answers · asked by 3azaburd 1

Did lucile go at the right time?....

2006-07-10 15:22:31 · 17 answers · asked by 3azaburd 1

Ok, a man who has just passed away takes a look into heaven and hell. He notices that both places are eating lunch. He first looks at hell and he sees people all sitting around a big plate of sushi and each have a pair of 4 foot long chopsticks. The people keep tryingand trying to feed themselves but the chopsticks are too long to fit in their mouths. They are frusurated and they keep on dropping food everywhere.

So the man looks at heaven. They have EXACTLY the same things that the people in hell do, but they managed to feed themselves. How did they eat using the chopsticks?

2006-07-10 15:10:11 · 18 answers · asked by Soung 3

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

2006-07-10 15:07:12 · 11 answers · asked by Kendal 2

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little
boy on
his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he
said,
''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ψnice horse you got
their sir,
did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

the little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa
to put
the di ck underneath the horse instead of on top.''


heh heh

2006-07-10 15:06:01 · 10 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: "Justice prevailed."

The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately."

2006-07-10 14:57:01 · 9 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Let's hear 'um.


p.s. I have nothing against blondes, I just love the jokes. Please, no hate replies.

2006-07-10 14:43:58 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

you have a 2 seater sports car its raining there is an old lady that needs to go the hospital and your best friend ever who needs a ride and at the bus stop the girl of your dream who do you take ??

2006-07-10 14:43:49 · 11 answers · asked by randa a 1

Beer is the reason you get up every afternoon.

The only drinking problem you have is the two-hands/one-mouth thing.

Your house is so messy because it spins like a top every time you lie down.

You drink to steady yourself, and sometimes you get so steady you can't move.

You never walk; you just occasionally stagger in a straight line.

You get angry because there's always so much booze left at the end of your money.

You think that drunks are a lot like chess players, only drunk.

You forgot your fishing pole on your fishing trip and didn't notice.

You've been laid out on more floors than Johnson's Wax.

Your liver has hired an attorney.

You wish all the world's parking lots could be somehow turned into lush rain forests, because, you know, it's hard to hide from cops in a parking lot.

Your favorite bar installed a seat belt on your barstool.

The glass isn't half empty or half full. It just needs to be topped off.

You don't fall off the wagon-you leap off it while chugging a bottle of cheap bourbon.

You have two personalities: Mr. Responsibility and Mr. I-Think-I'll-Call-All-My-Old-Girlfriends-While-I'm-Blacked-Out.

The word "rent" loses all meaning after your fifth drink.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-10 14:41:49 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

same spring?

2006-07-10 14:34:21 · 9 answers · asked by hashem a 2

just lookin for some jokes.. i'd like a laugh rite about now!! thanks!!!

2006-07-10 14:32:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Police found a man trapped in a house that had no way in so they had to tear it down to get to him. When the tore it down they found that the man had built the building around him and had hung himself and the room was full of water. How did the water get in there? (Remember there was no exits or entrances) it was like 95 degrees the day the police found the man.

2006-07-10 14:29:48 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous