Any funny jokes??????????

Question

NO dirty jokes please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ten points 4 the funniest!!!!!!!

Answer 1

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man,"And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Answer 2

TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-****."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced men do not lie.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Answer 3

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a $100,000 theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you." Luv Ya, Mama

Answer 4

Two 10 year old twin boys were known for being very mischievious. If anything in their town was missing or was wrong ... it was known that these boys had something to do with it.
Their mother was at her wits end and didn't know what to do. She had tried everything to no avail. One day she heard about a Minister in town who helped problem children. She went to him and asked him to help. He agreed - telling her to send the boys over one at a time and he would have a good talk with them.
So she went home and sent the first boy over.
He went into the church and the minister took him into a back room. he sat the boy down and asked "my son do you know where God is?" The little boy just looked up at him. So he repeated. "My son, do you know where God is?" The little boy looked up at him with big eyes. And once again the minister asked "Do you know where God is?"
The little boy started to cry, got up ran out of the church, all the way home, up the stairs, into his room and into the closet, slamming the door behind him.
His twin soon came in and opened the closet and asked what was wrong.
The boy answered - "God is missing and they think we did it."


*giggles* love this one

Answer 5

3 men in a boat lost at sea come across a floating bottle. They get it. open the lid and out pops a genie . He says you may have 3 wishes and since there are 3 of you you may have only one wish a piece.
The first guy says thats easy I want to be home with my family and friends at a cookout in my back yard..... pooof hes gone
Second guy says well I have no family but I would like to be in a plush hotel with a hot bath cold drinks and great food. poof hes gone
Last guy says well those were great wishes. but how can I decide what to do and where to go..I sure wish my buddies were here to help me.....

Answer 6

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Answer 7

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting for my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

Answer 8

Three guys are out hunting, get lost and it is getting late. Guy one says -we are lost, what are we going to do? Guy three says--there is a something hunters do when they are lost, fire a couple shots in the air then someone comes and gets them. Well, says guy one let's do it and they do. Hours go by and nothing. Clouds are coming in and it is starting to get cold, guy one pannicks - we are lost and I want to go home to my family, I am hungry and scared. So they fire two more shots - - - still nothing. It is now getting VERY late, cold rain starts to fall, the wind is howling thru the trees and it is pitch dark. Guy one is now totally flaking out--- God help us , we will never get home, we will die out here and I never see my family again- fire a couple more shots, to which guy three replies --- I can't, I only have one arrow left.

Answer 9

cheers just want to share this joke :)

A man walks into a bar and says, " I know the sign says No Smoking but would you mind if I smoke in here?" ... so the bartender says, "It's okay with me, Just make sure put the lit end into your mouth."... :)

Answer 10

its an oldie but a goody
What did the farmer say while eating a bowl of cheerios?



"Oh Boy! Donut seeds"