Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A beautiful young nurse arrives to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the oxygen mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet."

Struggling, he again asks the nurse, "Are my testicles black?" Finally, she raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand, holds his testicles in the other, takes a close look, and says, "There’s nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice, but, are my test results back."

2006-07-10 14:27:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-10 14:23:17 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

George, Helen, and Steve are drinking coffee.
Bert, Karen, and Dave are drinking soda.
Using logic, is Elizabeth drinking coffee or soda?

2006-07-10 14:21:40 · 26 answers · asked by chrisandmell90 2

2006-07-10 14:21:27 · 7 answers · asked by silverblack12345 5

yea, someone finally asked.

2006-07-10 14:10:21 · 15 answers · asked by Melissa N 2

2006-07-10 14:03:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am an extremely powerful swimmer and know all the ******* including: the Australian crawl, Breast******, Butterfly and the Back******

2006-07-10 14:03:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-10 14:02:53 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-10 13:56:24 · 5 answers · asked by Wayne M 3

2006-07-10 13:51:25 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-10 13:50:44 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

What has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps, has a mouth but never talks, always runs but never talks?

2006-07-10 13:35:04 · 9 answers · asked by schnewschnew 1

Ok I still don't even know the answer but a friend told me you are able to find it on the internet. He wouldn't tell, he said I had to find out for myself. Here it goes......Ok there are three words in the entire English language that end with the letters "GRY" The first is ANGRY and the second is HUNGRY, what is the third word??????? Research and answer......please only serious answers!!!!

2006-07-10 13:29:31 · 13 answers · asked by TootsiePop 3

2006-07-10 13:27:17 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

this old man was worried about his wifes hearing and while at the drs office he mentioned it to the dr.....have her come in for a check up he said...well she wont do it....well then just walk up behind her and ask her something and see if she hears you....so the old man waited till his wife had her back to the kitchen entry doing dishes and from across the room he said honey whats for dinner?"....no answer...so he walked up a little closer....honey whats for dinner?....no answer....yet again a little closer...honey whats for dinner?....finally his wife turned around and said damn it earl for the third darn time chicken!

2006-07-10 13:20:31 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I had three squirrel monkeys and let them out for exercise. It took most of a week to catch them, kinda like catching a bat in the house. You wanta grab it, but then again you don't because you never know what they're gonna do to you.

2006-07-10 13:19:17 · 4 answers · asked by obitdude2 7

Man goes to doctor, complaining of his wife's hearing loss. Doc advised him to test it first. "Go home. Get 40 feet away from her. Say something in normal tone. If no response move to 30 feet. If no response move to 20 feet. Keep getting closer 'til she responds." Man goes home. Gets 40 feet away. Says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No answer. Moves to 30 feet. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. 20 feet. No answer. 10 feet. No answer. Finally, he's right next to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" She says, "Fred, for the fifth time, it's chicken."

2006-07-10 13:14:00 · 22 answers · asked by abbeyroad54321 3

Words to remember for a while:

Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree
Boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the
rotten apples that are on the ground, that aren't as good, but easy.
So the apples at the top think that there is something wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing.
That is why we just have to be a little patient and the right boy, the one who takes a chance to find the good, right apple,will come someday..or may have come already.....

what do u think of these words????

2006-07-10 13:11:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking, he looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan.  

"What are you doing?" he asks.  

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.  

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."  

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-10 13:05:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay,
Write any dumb question on here,
a really good one! to make every1 laugh!
And i'll pick the dumbest question..

ready set go!

2006-07-10 13:05:27 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!

Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this poor guy.

(Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.)

"Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

"Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.

"The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive
supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

"His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.



When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.



So, next time you're having a bad day at work,
think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

"Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love job."

"And whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: is this a "jellyfish bad" day?"

2006-07-10 12:54:22 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-10 12:50:15 · 12 answers · asked by Lera 2

2006-07-10 12:45:58 · 39 answers · asked by mangobuyer 2

Whenever I see a funny question, and I think I get the humor of it, all the other people who answer are either freaking out about the person or just ask for more information. Can't people use questions to make fun of other questions in peace?

2006-07-10 12:44:06 · 13 answers · asked by da chet 3

2006-07-10 12:31:35 · 12 answers · asked by ₦âħí»€G 6

i have not had a good laugh so plz make me laugh

2006-07-10 12:05:42 · 18 answers · asked by shorty 2

so bad, that chistopher reeves got out of his wheelchair and change the channel...

2006-07-10 11:48:56 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

like...... saying look at the brightside...you dont have to see evil.. wait you cant look...

2006-07-10 11:46:56 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-10 11:32:16 · 27 answers · asked by carlrandles 1

hitler is going to a jewish church and he made a speeh to all the jewish people at that jewish church. and then hitler says that "i hate jewish people, their dick is so small that i won't get good sexs around here, and what with the black hat on their head, huh, their dumb hats form weak races such as jewish people, join me and together we can kill all the jewish people so we can make a perfect race only with blue eyes and blonde hair, what do you day?huh?. after the speech form hitler, all the jewish kids was kicking his nuts and put him up like a stuff animal and hit him with a stick, and than they lower him down to the floor and stove a pineapple up in his *** ans they say that "you suck hitler" and then
they kick his nuts some more and post his naked picture at the internet and they live happy ever after, the end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-10 11:17:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous