anyone got any funny jokes?

Answer 1

Alaskan Kayak Accident


The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Answer 2

these 2 women go out on the piss and get caught short for a pee on the way home so end up squating in a cemetary.
the nxt day there fellas meet in the pub and 1 says to the other "i'm a bit worried about the misses think she may be having an affair they were so late back last night and she had grass stains on her cloths" the other 1 replyed " you think you've got problems my misses came back and i found a card up her fanny saying we'll never forget you from all the guys at the legion"

(l.o.l) he he he he he he he he he how do you like that 1 then

Answer 3

There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks.
He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.

The cat starts to stumble on home. As the cat comes to the train tracks, he doesn't notice a train coming down the tracks.

As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned it's head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated.

The moral of the story — don't lose your head over a piece of tail!

Answer 4

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really
rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes or his Rolls, but he'll supply
all of your clothes, credit cards and money. Because of the long hours,
meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort the beautiful daughter on her overseas holiday
trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

Answer 5

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ’the
prison’ and call my private thing ’the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Answer 6

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Answer 7

Hitler is going to a Jewish church and he made a speech to all the Jewish people at that Jewish church. and then Hitler says that "i hate Jewish people, their dick is so small that i won't get good sex's around here, and what with the black hat on their head, huh, their dumb hats comes form an weak races such as Jewish people, join me and together we can kill all the Jewish people so we can make a perfect race only with blue eyes and blond hair, what do you day? huh?". after the speech form Hitler, all the Jewish kids was kicking his nuts and put him up like a stuff animal and hit him with a stick, and than they lower him down to the floor and stove a pineapple up in his *** ans they say that "you suck Hitler, go back to a Jewish gay bar and don't look at our small penises again" and then
they kick his nuts some more and post his naked picture at the Internet and they live happy ever after, the end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

Answer 8

A man goes to southend for the weekend. He goes up to a boarding house and rings the bell. A woman pokes her head out of an upstairs window and says "What doyou want" and the man says "I want to stay here" and the woman says "well stay there"!

Answer 9

NEWSFLASH

Sophie Ellis Bexter has been found head butted to death in a French Footballer's appartment.

It was Murder on Zidane's Floor

Answer 10

There was a girl playing with a doll, and then a llama came a took it away. The girl said,"Give me back my Dali Lama!"