tell me a joke PLZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

Question

i have not had a good laugh so plz make me laugh

Answer 1

A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a
little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds
to draw
three trees.
What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
>>The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this
Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but
represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you
go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree
and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd,
which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
------------------------------...
The Good Napkins

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions."

Now fast forward a few months .... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
------------------------------...
Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
------------------------------...
Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.




St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Answer 2

A bit long but it sounds about right...

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, we'll consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh!t."

Answer 3

A man is walking past an old folk's home fence. He hears chanting of "27,27, 27, 27...." on the other side of the fence. Curious to what is going on, he peeks through the only knothole in the fence. No sooner does he get his eye up to the hole when he feels someones finger jab him in the eye. The chanting on the other side of the fence changes to "28, 28, 28, 28...." Hahahah!

Answer 4

A surgeon in Texas bragged about a tough case he had with a patient, saying " I helped out a cowboy once who collided with a train while riding his horse. All that was left was the horse's a$$ in a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States."

Answer 5

HERE IS A GREAT JOKE!!!! http://www.starterupsteve.com/flash/html/jingle_bells_reversed.shtml

Have ur speakers up all the way (cause its kinda a riddle)
OR headphones.

WARNING: This might make high blood pressure or light headed people pass out with laughter,procede with caution!

Have fun & tell me what u think!!!

Answer 6

UR MOMMAS SO SKINNY WHEN SHE PUTS HER ARMS UP SHE HANGS HERSELF!

UR MOMAS SO HAIRY SHE GOT AFRO NIPPLES!

UR MOMMAS SO STUPID SHE SAT ON THE T.V AND WATCHED THE COUCH!

YOUR MAMAS SO BIG WHEN SHE WHERES YELLOW AND GOSE PAST A BUS STOP ALL THE KIDS SAY OH THE BUS IS HERE......

YOUR MAMMAS SO UGLY........ SHE COULDENT GET ANY1 ELS SO SHE DID IT WITH A MONKEY AND STARTED H.I.V.


ok here another one... a blonde walked into a hair salon and had her head phones on.... the barber said can u take off her head fones? she said no cut around them... then he took them off and the girl fell to the floor.. the barber put on the head fones because he wanted to hear the music but when he put on the head fones it was a boy saying breath in... breath out.... breath in.... breath out and then he looked at the girl and notice she was purple and said oh that why she had the head fones on shes blonde! hahha that was not funy

Answer 7

This mexican guy walks into a bar with a parrot sitting on his shoulder. The bartender asked "wow, where did you get that?"....."Tijuana"...the Parrot answered

This man buys a motorcycle..the dealer gives him a jar of vascoline to put on the chrome so if it rains, the chrome will not rust. He goes to his girfriends house for dinner. They had a rule that if one of them said anything during dinner, they would have to wash the dishes. So dinner is on, they ar at the table..the man is frustrated from all the quiet and he knew the rule, so he grabbed his gf and kissed her...no response or noise. He takes her and makes love to her on the table...still no noise from her or her parents. He grabs her mom....makes love to her on the table...still nothing. He hears thunder and thinks to himself that it might rain. He takes out the jar of vascoline from his pocket.....his gfs dad sees it and says...."I will do the dishes"

Answer 8

Try to understand this::::::::::: There is a blonde girl who walks in a grocery store, she tells the clerk" I would like to buy that tv." The clerk says "sorry we don't sell things to blondes". So she walks away. She comes back with red hair and says to the clerk " can I buy that tv now?" He says "sorry we dont sel to blondes" she said " I have red hair". Then she comes back with absolutely no hair and says" I would like to buy that tv. The clerk says"we do not sell to blondes!" She said"I have NO hair!!!" He said " I know your a blonde because... that is a microwave!!!!!!

Answer 9

plz w8 while ur new fun jokes r downloading

here is ur jokes

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first
day, she gave her intro,
and asked all the students to Introduce themselves with name and hobby.
She said, "Let's start with the boys first."

Boys start giving their intro...
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting.
Well, Ok.
In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is
essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John.
Yes next."
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of Supporting a
friend.

Ok next."
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."
This continues...
And the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see Bubble in the
bathtub."
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown
boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."


First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."
teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next."
You sweet Girl; Yes you..."
Most beautiful girl of the class gets up:
"Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day."

Answer 10

I'll tell you a joke that really made me laugh.....

Answer 11

2 guys walk into a bar....the 3rd one ducks and says "you idiots"
(i know its dumb)

there are 3 kinds of people in this world, those that can count, and those that can't
(sorry...another dumb one)

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur? (lickalotapuss) is that better?