Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

The Most ignorant is.....

2006-07-16 01:44:32 · 10 answers · asked by ••Mott•• 6

Willys cynical thought for the day;

I'm NOT old; I just have more freaking yesterdays than y'all do!

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 15 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 15 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. Like I said, "My boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 15 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So... How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "11 pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 15 pounds the day he was born!"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised" Hey hey hey

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-16 01:21:04 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from
the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the rest room;
but I don't know what got into me, and I answered,
somewhat embarrassed: "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking
this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

O.K., this question is just too weird for me; but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them: "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously..... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."

2006-07-16 01:12:48 · 29 answers · asked by joann_xvi 4

Willys cynical thought for the day;
 
When is a pixie not a pixie? When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin!'

$500 A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet, and in the time it takes for you to pick it up, I can have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said, "When he drops the $500 on the ground, I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said... "That bastard had $500 in quarters!" Bwaahahahaha

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-16 01:03:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A magician did a trick in which he placed his head on a table and told a man to hit him in the temple as hard as he could with a board. Wam! The man hit the magician in the temple. 6 months later the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and says TADA!!

2006-07-16 00:39:58 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

1 - 4/6
2 - £1.97
3 - two cows and yourfirstborn son

2006-07-16 00:25:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

(sorry if u heard this one before!) lol ;)

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself!!!

2006-07-16 00:04:46 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

So this baby seal walks into a bar...the bartender asks "What'll ya have"
The seal responds: "Anything but a Canadian Club."

2006-07-15 23:47:13 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

No God Needed?

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that humans had
come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to
go and tell God so.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no
longer need you; We're to the point that we can clone people and do many
miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man.

After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about
this? Let's say we have a man-making contest."

To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"

"But," God added, "we're going to do this just like I did back in the old
days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a
handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."

2006-07-15 23:33:54 · 6 answers · asked by Mr. Peachy® 7

can anyone give me some jokes that i can tell my kids they are 7 and 10

2006-07-15 23:26:09 · 13 answers · asked by paulette7618 4

Red is Green
Black is blue
White is red
Grey is pink
Green is purple

Reds parents are?

2006-07-15 23:15:25 · 12 answers · asked by lennydog82 2

2006-07-15 23:07:29 · 10 answers · asked by Jack Nicholson 5

I had a dream I was eating a huge marshmallow, and the I woke up and my pillow was hanging out of my mouth.

2006-07-15 23:00:21 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-15 22:57:48 · 30 answers · asked by Mac 2

Sister for sale will accept any offer

2006-07-15 22:46:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

cause i want to know what the jokes mean...after i know who helen keller is.

2006-07-15 22:34:14 · 12 answers · asked by RabbitHellFoxHeaven 2

If you want the points you are going to have to work for it, i know loads and i hate repeats!!

A few for you:

1) The Giraffe is the only animal to be born with horns!
2) If the Earth was as small as a squash ball, it would actually be smoother!
3) Scorpions can withstand 200 times more radiation that a human!

2006-07-15 22:32:14 · 28 answers · asked by Mac 2

Well?

2006-07-15 22:14:15 · 20 answers · asked by ~*chi_cchick*~ 1

What do you think? Can't be any worse than Bush, right?

2006-07-15 21:59:08 · 9 answers · asked by mac_guy_ver 3

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''
''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady

2006-07-15 21:51:32 · 57 answers · asked by Pd 6

you can make your own story!!!!

2006-07-15 21:35:13 · 20 answers · asked by Liberty 2

do you have avy funny jokes for me?

2006-07-15 21:31:12 · 12 answers · asked by kate 1

I got a 12 inch @#$% and a dozen roses and a pickup truck........

2006-07-15 21:12:10 · 4 answers · asked by CYNDIITA 3

2006-07-15 20:52:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into
Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter
to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also
gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to
affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

2006-07-15 20:38:53 · 11 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-07-15 20:35:00 · 25 answers · asked by david waterstreet 2

2006-07-15 20:30:36 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down.. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
You impotent bastard, "She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

2006-07-15 20:28:08 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I really want to laugh right now, so anyone know any actual FUNNY jokes, not just dumb ones?

2006-07-15 20:20:48 · 13 answers · asked by Archie 2

you know, use my back as a donor area

2006-07-15 20:16:39 · 10 answers · asked by urmyfavorite 2