Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

I dig out tiny caves, and store gold and silver in them.
I also build bridges of silver and make crowns of gold.
They are the smallest you could imagine. Sooner or later
everybody needs my help, yet many people are afraid to
let me help them. - Who am I?

2006-07-16 05:56:42 · 37 answers · asked by ndemo 2

There are two famous and similar things which are used for same work.

But, out of them, one thing has hundreds of parts while another has no parts. Can you tell me the name of that thing?

2006-07-16 05:53:24 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-16 05:52:37 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

He says to her, I never want to live in a vegetative state. I don't want to depend on some machine. If that ever happens, pull the plug. What does she do?

2006-07-16 05:50:08 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Vicar "You reap what you sow"
Farmer "Not on my farm you don't, it's right next door to Sellafield."

2006-07-16 05:37:08 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

im bored and tired and need a laugh. will someone say something totally random to make me smile? thanks,one that makes me laugh the hardest will win best answer!

2006-07-16 05:29:47 · 14 answers · asked by ? 3

A sultan is jaded of jugglers and clowns, so he
warns his servant, "bore me tonight, and it's
off with your head." The man is terrified, but
he vows he will not fail.

Day turns to night, and it's time for the show.
"Well, what have you got for me," the sultan
booms.

"Tonight, sire," squeaks the servant, "we have
a man who will make love to a dozen women before
your eyes." "Now you're talking," says the king,
bring him on!"

Twelve women walk from behind the curtain, and
lay end to end on the carpeted floor. A young,
muscular man appears and begins to have sex
with the first woman. In moments, she screams
with pleasure and he moves on to the next. He
proceeds from woman to woman, slowing down and
visibly straining, until he collapses helplessly
after ravaging only six.

"You idiot!", screams the sultan to the horrified
servant, "why, I've done better myself! I warned
you! Take him to the block and cut off his
worthless head!"

"Wait, your majesty," begs the servant, "I don't
know what went wrong, he was great in rehearsal!"

2006-07-16 05:18:29 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

At what shops can I get air horns? I want to scare people. I don't have any shops like those near my house. Maybe in a mall? But what shop?

2006-07-16 05:12:16 · 4 answers · asked by KingCoconut 2

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

2006-07-16 05:00:22 · 14 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-07-16 04:57:23 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

what about this joke?
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

2006-07-16 04:55:22 · 7 answers · asked by KingCoconut 2

Willys cynical thought for the day;

Remember there are 'exceptions' to EVERY freaking 'Golden rule!

Dear Tech Support,

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely,XXX

Dear XXX,

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

Follow-up mail from tech support:

Dear XXX,

Your Husband 1.0 has been infected with the Mistress 2.1 virus. Try Divorce 3.5 to remove present headaches.

Tech support

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-16 04:53:30 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-16 04:52:09 · 11 answers · asked by lifeistough_period 1

Suposing, Rishvinder Singh, Jaspal Singh & Melvinder Singh go to the super market...How may people went to the super market?

2006-07-16 04:31:43 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a building was on fire/would you rescue a infant or 5 strangers?

2006-07-16 04:27:46 · 36 answers · asked by imreallymean 3

Whoever gets the most accurate answers, gets 10 points.

1. If Mr Smith's peacock lays an egg in Mr Jones' yard, who owns the egg?

2. Who had the title role in the 1931 movie Frankenstein?

3. You've seen a map of Italy. In which direction does the toe of the boot face?

4.Imagine you are driving a bus. When you start your trip there are an old lady named Johnson and a long-haired kid on the bus. At the first stop the lady leaves and a businessman enters. At the next stop Frankie, a young boy, enters with his little sister. Then three old ladies who have been shopping in the mall get on. After a short trip the long-haired kid leaves the bus and a man and lady enter. Paul with his dog Blue gets on, while Frankie and his sister get off, and, finally, the bus arrives at the bus station. What is the name of the bus driver?

5. Start with three coins: a penny, a nickel and a quarter. Say, "Tommy's mother has three children. The first child's name is Penny." (Hold up the penny while saying this.) "The second child's name is Nick." (Hold up the nickel.) What is the third child's name? (Hold up the quarter.)

2006-07-16 04:23:11 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

What word has the MOST letters?
& what LETTER has the most WORDS?

2006-07-16 04:16:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-16 04:13:46 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple, just married were in their
honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they
were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a
big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and
said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and
the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's
right," said the husband, "and don't you ever
forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in
this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said,
"Try these on." He tried them on and found he
could only get them on as far as his knee caps
"Hell," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way
its going to be until your damn attitude changes!"

2006-07-16 04:07:09 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

the number is between 30-50, its odd & the 2 digits are not the same, what is it? whoever can answer this correctly gets choosen as best answer

NO CHEATING only 1 answer.

2006-07-16 04:02:43 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

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~What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

--Juan on Juan

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~What is a Yankee?

--The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

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~What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

--The position of the dirt bag

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~Why is divorce so expensive?

--Because it's worth it.

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~What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

--Doughnuts

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~Why is air a lot like sex?

--Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

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~What do you call a smart blonde?

--A golden retriever.

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~What do attorneys use for birth control?

--Their personalities.

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~What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

--10 years and 45 lbs

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~What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

--45 minutes

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~What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

--Through his chest with a sharp knife.

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~Why do men want to marry virgins?

--They can't stand criticism.

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~Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

--Because those men already have boyfriends.
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~What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

--After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

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~What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

--The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

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~Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

--Because they have cotton balls.

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~What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

--A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

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~What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

--"Are you sure it's mine?"

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~Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

--Mace will do that to you.

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~Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

--Everyone has the same DNA.

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~Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

--Breasts don't have eyes.

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~Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

--Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

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~Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

--A different bar.

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~Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?

--They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

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~What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

--A speech impediment.

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~What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

--They're hiring.

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~What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

--A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage and... "a recipe".

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~How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

--Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

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~What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

--A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins

--"Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****....

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~Why is there no Disneyland in China?

--No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

2006-07-16 03:54:31 · 9 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

Has anyone here seen a real ghost? i know.. i know its an odd question.. but because ive never seen a ghost.. i want to know wether they really exist...

2006-07-16 03:52:36 · 10 answers · asked by Poisonous_Lipz 1

Looking for something creative, funny and original.

2006-07-16 03:30:12 · 12 answers · asked by SASHA123 4

Willys cynical thought for the day,

All my life I weighed about 110 lb. In 1997 or 8 I put on weight to 125 a lady who knows me told me one day, "Willy the weight looks good on you." I told her, "I bet it would freaking look better on you!"

Wee Willie was walking with Wanda, his new girlfriend, carrying her books home from grammar school. Both were eight years old.

"Wanda," said Wee Willie with a worshipping gaze, "you are the first girl I have ever loved."

"Dammit!" said Wanda, "another beginner." He-he-he-he

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-16 03:00:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. Morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out to the school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She said, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think? "
Mom replied, "Never mind what you think! go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think...eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
Mom replied, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "OK...What do you think?"

He says..."Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and...I think I gave him my model airplane glue."

2006-07-16 02:52:32 · 49 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-07-16 02:39:49 · 16 answers · asked by vitoescape 1

2006-07-16 02:34:20 · 12 answers · asked by schwarz 1

2006-07-16 02:12:53 · 24 answers · asked by vitoescape 1

If 'hobido' means grapefruit, and 'wumbarbes' means hairdresser, then what does 'tonquitulom' mean?

2006-07-16 02:07:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-16 02:03:17 · 6 answers · asked by Mr. Mojo Risin 3