Anyone got a really good joke??

Answer 1

A very depressed man
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Free drinks for everyone
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

This pill allows you to fly
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

Turn back your car odometer
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."
"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

Alzheimer Good News
The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."

The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"

"You have Alzheimer's disease."

"Good heavens! What's the good news?"

"You can go home and forget about it!"
Source(s):

ahajokes.com

Answer 2

Maybe.


12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts:


1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Answer 3

No such thing as a 'really good joke;' because,
Willys cynical thought for the day;

If you're not annoying somebody you are a boring, worthless freaking dimwit!

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

Answer 4

two television aerials on roofs on the opposite sides of the street started chatting one day, they got on really well and after a while decided to get married, the wedding ceremony didn't go to well but the reception was brilliant.

Answer 5

there's a chinese guy, a mexican guy and a blonde guy at a construction site and they're all havin lunch.

the chinese had rice; the mexican had tacos; and the blonde had pb&j. they all had these lunches everyday and they were startin 2 get sick of havin the same food. so they all vowed if they had the same lunch the next day they wld jump off of the building.

the next day at lunch...
the mexican had tacos, so he jumped off the buildin.
the chinese had rice, so he jumped off.
the blonde had pb&j, so he jumped too.

so all their wives were at the funeral and the chinese and mexican's wives were cryin and sad. but the blonde's wife was angry and pissed off. so the chinese and mexican's wives asked the blonde's wife, "y rnt u sad? dont u wish u cld of packed ur husband a different lunch?"

and the blonde's wife said, "no! he packed his own lunch!"

Answer 6

Did you hear about the zoo that only had a dog in it?


It was a shitzu

Answer 7

MyaC ran out of bullets

Answer 8

Whats brown and sticky?
A stick

Answer 9

knock knock
who's there?
Amos
Amos who?
A mosquito
knock knock
who's there
ano
ano who?
another mosquito
knock knock
who's there?
Yeti
Yeti who?
Yet another mosquito

Answer 10

ya i hanv too many but u don,t hav said to tell u so i will not tell u