Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many
many years. First guy asks the second guy,

"How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,

"I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any
more."

The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a
d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e
t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I
w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how
he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I
w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r
p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d
I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e
a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..o u l d
d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the
first friend.

" W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e
w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"

2006-07-15 20:15:53 · 23 answers · asked by soccerstar 1

the fact that I'm 13 might help

2006-07-15 20:08:48 · 12 answers · asked by Sarah 4

Once there was a tomato seller selling tomatoes at the local marketplace. A customer came to him and asked how much where the tomatoes.

'I don't know!' Replied the tomato seller. 'No, No, NO! Your supposed to say 20 cents, no more no less' Replied the customer and left.

Soon, another customer came. The customer asked:

'How much are the tomatoes?' Asked the customer.
'20 Cents, no more no less' Replied the tomato seller.
'Are they fresh?' Asked the customer.
'I don't know' Replied the tomato seller.
'No, No, NO. Your supposed to say Fresh, very fresh' Said the customer.

Soon another customer came.

'How much are the tomatoes?' Asked the customer.
'20 Cents, no more no less' Replied the tomato seller.
'Are they fresh?' Asked the customer.
'Fresh, very fresh' Replied the tomato seller.
'Should I buy them?' Asked the customer.
'I don't know' Answered the tomato seller.
'No, No, NO. Your supposed to say 'If you don't, somebody else will' Answered the customer.

Soon a robber came. 'How much money do you have in that cash register!?' Asked the robber.
'20 cents, No more no less' Replied the tomato seller.
'Are you fresh about it?!' Asked the robber.
'Fresh, very fresh' Said the tomato seller.
'SHOULD I KILL YOU?!?!?!' said the robber.
'If you don't, somebody else will!' Said the tomato seller.

2006-07-15 19:58:38 · 11 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

Little Johnny was in trouble again.....

He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming.

As a last desperate move, His lady lawyer came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to see.

"Ladies and gentlemen,"the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"

Growing more agitated she went on, "How could this miniature member becapable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman."

"WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One more tweak and you'll lose the case!"

2006-07-15 19:57:58 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

If it's already sour?

2006-07-15 19:53:01 · 5 answers · asked by Steelers 6 Penguins 3 6

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to her the truth, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, t's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

2006-07-15 19:41:17 · 10 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Last time, we had this riddle:

When a magician bumps into a girl he thinks he recognize, what does he ask her?
A: Have I sawed you before?

Haha. I probably gave away too much info on that one, oh well. Now for today's riddle:

Why is it not a good idea to iron a four leaf clover?

Good luck! :)

2006-07-15 19:30:58 · 4 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-07-15 19:27:57 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

there were 4 mexicans and they were going to cross a river...they read a sign that said ...NO TRESPASSING!!!!.... SO MOST OF THE GUYS WENT ANYWAY BUT LEFT ONE BEHIND.....why was 1 left behind..??

check back in 15-20min to find out the answer..(and dont look at any one elses answers, thats cheating..lol)

2006-07-15 19:27:21 · 16 answers · asked by LoVeLy 3

fill in the sentence, with ur own Wacky ideas!!

2006-07-15 19:20:40 · 6 answers · asked by czar 3

if wud appreciate if nybody likes 2 share mails wth me

2006-07-15 19:08:45 · 1 answers · asked by pooja 1

Easy make me smile

2006-07-15 18:56:20 · 24 answers · asked by borris055 2

what the poor have
what the rich need
what is meaner than the devil
what is greater than god
and if you eat it you die
who ever can guess this right 1st wins 10 points

2006-07-15 18:45:55 · 18 answers · asked by pena_reyna 2

2006-07-15 18:44:28 · 15 answers · asked by Talamascaa 4

The librabrian say>>Excuse me,This is a library..

The blonde whispers into the librarian..
I am sorry.
(Whispering)Can I have a cheeseburger and fries?

2006-07-15 18:16:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how
angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the
mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this
somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have
flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new
location.

2006-07-15 18:06:15 · 42 answers · asked by Pd 6

If my mother was your sister and your brother had five nieces how many uncles would you be?

2006-07-15 17:50:03 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

If the wind was blowing south at 50 mph, and an electric train was traveling north at 50 mph what direction would the smoke blow and how fast?

2006-07-15 17:47:04 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you had a duck in front of two ducks and a duck behind two ducks and a duck between two ducks how many ducks do you have? And where would you find the eggs?

2006-07-15 17:44:34 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tom and Susan are happily lived together for 20 years every time they made love, Tom was insisted they do it with the light off. Susan thinks it’s all to do with his not wanting to be seen naked. But today, on their anniversary, she decides to try to rid him of his embarrassment - she really believes that she can cure him of his habit. That night, while they’re having a great shtup, Susan suddenly turns on the bedside lamp and sees Tom with a vibrator in his hand - a soft pen*s shaped one, but much larger than the real thing. She is shocked and very angry. You impotent ***, she screams at him, how could you have lied to me all these years? You’d better explain or you won’t see me again. Tom looks at her and calmly says, OK. I'll explain the vibrator ….you explain our children.

2006-07-15 17:41:22 · 35 answers · asked by Pd 6

Your on a horse galloping at constant speed, On your right side theres a sharp drop off, and on your left side there's a elephant travling at the same speed as you, Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to over take it,Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo...What must you do to safely get out of this??? Use your imagmation...Best answer gets 10 points

2006-07-15 17:39:22 · 15 answers · asked by just2wild4ya 4

A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course
lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife
sliced her shot right through the large front window of the
biggest house along the course. They walked up, knocked on the
door and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a
broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch said, "Are
you the people who broke my window?"

The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off,
"Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who was trapped in
that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to
grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you
one wish, and I'll keep last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million dollars a year
for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "it's
the least I can do."

"I want a house in every country in the world," said the wife.
"Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish.
Because I've been trapped in that bottle, for a really long time.
My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get
a lot of money and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I
don't either." The wife agreed.

The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours. After
he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked, "How old
is you husband, anyway?"

"Twenty-five," said the wife.

"And he still believes in genies?"

2006-07-15 17:36:08 · 6 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

One day an out of work mime was visiting and hoping to earn some money. The zookeeper explained that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla had died suddenly. He offered the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they could get a new one. The mime accepted.
The next morning the mime put on the gorilla suit and entered the cage. It was a great job. He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he drew bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. But, eventually the crowds tired of him and began to pay more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
In an effort to recapture their attention, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top of the lion's cage. The lion was mad, but the crowd loved it so much that the zoo keeper came and gave the mime a raise.
Each time the mime taunted the lion, he got bigger and bigger raises. But one day he slipped and fell into the lion?s cage.
The mine ran, but the lion finally caught up with the mime and had him pinned to the ground. The mime was screaming and fighting for his life, yelling ?Someone help me, PLEASE, help me!!!!?
The lion leaned over and said, ?Shut up you moron! Do you want to get us both fired??

2006-07-15 17:33:04 · 10 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-07-15 17:30:17 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is very definitely a tongue twister?


Cunnilingus! BWAAAHAHAHA

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-15 17:04:35 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he could help. He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy donuts and grapes. Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr.Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. Mr.Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs.Smith's love canal.

A few weeks later, the Jones' came to see the doctor. "Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you." they said.

The doctor ran the tests and came back to the Jonses'. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Jonses' said "You helped the Smith's, why won't you help us?"

After continued begging from the Jonses', the doc said "ok,ok...stop by the market on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges."

2006-07-15 16:41:56 · 19 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-07-15 16:33:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the day,

Those who don't laugh at themselves just leave the freaking job to someone else! My parent's taught me that there are some jobs that NOBODY else can do like me! LOL

With a bottle of Passport Scotch and a suitcase of Stroh's you can go on vacation without ever leaving your house.

You never drink anything stronger than vodka before breakfast.

You make a point of never drinking before noon. This is convenient, because you’re never up before three in the afternoon.

One of your hobbies is sitting down and calculating exactly how much liquor your next paycheck would buy at the liquor mart. Just out of curiosity, of course.

Your co-workers start whispering with concern when you don't come in with hangover.

Your boss tells you to "Shape up or ship out," and you reply, "You mean like a cruise ship? Are the drinks expensive on cruise ships?"

The whole terrorism deal became very clear to you when you found out Muslims aren't allowed to drink.

You wish you were closer to Jesus, especially when he's doing his wine to water thing.

A cold cement floor looks comfortable and inviting.

You wish temperance leagues still sang anti-drinking religious hymns outside bars, because, you know, it'd be a very funny thing to watch while getting hammered.

You think alcohol-fueled automobiles are the wave of the future because, hey, it certainly works for you.

You think a wrong number is an adequate excuse to go on a bender.

"Going out for a beer or two" sometimes means waking up in Vegas three days later.

You hated Ted Kennedy until you realized he can probably out drink you.

You always confuse the words picture and pitcher, especially when someone says, "Hey, take my picture."

You happen to share the same home town, ethnicity, lifestyle, opinions, occupation or whatever-the-hell of whoever happens to be buying the drinks.

You consider vodka a chaser.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-15 16:32:23 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-15 16:11:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.pappywishbone.com/pappys-nastygram

What do you think?

2006-07-15 16:11:11 · 5 answers · asked by wilsonallstar22 1