Anyone know any funny jokes?

Question

I really want to laugh right now, so anyone know any actual FUNNY jokes, not just dumb ones?

Answer 1

There are three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount
of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.
After awhile one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"What about you, what sort of control do you have over your
wife?" "Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and
knees."

His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" "She then said,
'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'"



A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to
report her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a
description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy
hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and
is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4
inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your
children."

The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"


A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After
his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,
combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following,
your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and
make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious
meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't
burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't
discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress
worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several
times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for
the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain
his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.


A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on
an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began
discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she
told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and
told me she could never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she
say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop

Answer 2

Darla's Doctor's Visit
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.

About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Answer 3

Why is it a nasty theory to play UNO with mexicans? as a results of fact they'll constantly thieve your green-enjoying cards. A Mexican and a Blackman are in a vehicle. who's using? A cop what's the version between a blackman and a bench? A bench can help a kinfolk of four Why dosn't Mexico have an Olympic team? as a results of fact all and sundry which could run, leap and swim is already right here.

Answer 4

Where Is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"


The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

Answer 5

I know plenty of them , alas since I am not a sharing person I will not be telling them to you. This deeply saddens me since you seem so depressed and I am so happy.I wish I could break my vow to never share with a person who really wants to laugh right now. Now if only you had said you could use a laugh right now or had you said I am so sad and crying so much I would really appreciate a good laugh right now or maybe even two seconds from now. I could have shared with you alas you said the one thing I have vowed to never share my jokes with a person who says that exact phrase.

Answer 6

How do you get 100 jews and 4 germans into a VW beetle?

2 germans in the back 2 germans in the front and the 100 jews in the ashtray!!!! HAHAHAHA

Answer 7

Did you hear about the two cannibals that were eating a clown????
One looked at the other and asked: Does this taste funny to you?

Answer 8

there were 4 friends mad,brain,somebody,nobody once they 4 where sitting in brains house while brain went 2 toilet at that time somebody killed nobdy and ran away mad phoned the police and said somebody killed nobody the police said r u mad he said yes and the police asked where is ur brain he said in toilet hi i am vikshit i would make u laugh more than this if u r interested in being my friend mi id is [e-mail] and [e-mail] b my friend

Answer 9

Just read windyy s answer, she is a big joke!

Answer 10

a horse walks into a bar
the bartender says why the long face?