Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

2007-03-08 05:41:25 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-08 05:30:05 · 39 answers · asked by Salaama 2

what is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard?

2007-03-08 05:21:48 · 9 answers · asked by bruce_lee_headache 2

EVER WONDER...
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
....why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

2007-03-08 05:21:08 · 15 answers · asked by girl_of_your_dreams_1331 4

thought they used to prevent any unfaithfullness just in case they happen

2007-03-08 05:15:47 · 21 answers · asked by o 2

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

2007-03-08 05:13:44 · 8 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Yes how many men will it take to change a lightbulb

2007-03-08 05:10:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Its alive but only has one foot?

2007-03-08 05:09:57 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok, I'm easily entertained, so I'm asking for your very best joke. The one that makes me laugh till I hurt, wins 10 points!

2007-03-08 05:09:25 · 9 answers · asked by lavendertg 4

P E A N U T S



A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old
lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady,
why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she
replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,?
"We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

2007-03-08 05:08:05 · 12 answers · asked by graciegirl 5

tell me the best joke u no this is the best i know
There was a guy named Jimmy, and his town was being drowned by a flood. When the water was around his ankles, a fire truck came by saying, "Yo, Jimmy, need a lift?" "No, no, I'm fine God will save me." The fire truck left.

As the water reached his ribs a coast guard came by saying, "Jimmy! Need a lift?" "No! God will save me!" The coast guard went away.

When the water had reached Jimmy's head, a helicopter flew overhead. The driver shouted, "Jimmy! C'mon, I'll take u to safety!" "That's all right! God is bound to save me now!" The helicopter flew away.

Jimmy died. When he went to heaven, Jimmy asked God, "God, why didn't you save me?" God answers, "I sent you a fire truck, a coast guard, and a helicopter, what more do you want?!"

2007-03-08 05:07:22 · 6 answers · asked by jonny boy 2

2007-03-08 05:04:37 · 19 answers · asked by ♥ 3

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan


What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What is the difference between a Harley and a

Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag


Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts?


Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any


What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ?

Everyone has the same DNA.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.


Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.


What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the
animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".


Why is there no Disneyland in China ?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides



AND....LAST BUT NOT LEAST



What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

2007-03-08 04:57:13 · 17 answers · asked by truluvbug 2

YESTERDAY
---------------
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday

2007-03-08 04:52:31 · 4 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

2007-03-08 04:50:35 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Chap walks in to the bar, amazed he rubs his eyes, there infront of him was this tiny man about 1 foot tall playing the piano!! The little man was superb, the music filled the bar.

The chap couldn't contain himself, he ran to the bar and shouted "barman, barmen... tell me where you got the piano player!!"

The barmen replied, very unhappyly "Don't talk to me about that bloody Pianist".

"But he's amazing, you must tell me about him!" exclaimed the chap.

"O.k, O.k," Said the barman, "Just promise me you'll drop the subject after?!"

"For sure!" replied the chap.

"Well," said the barman "I was tidying the cellar and I came across this bottle, I rubbed the dust off and to my amazement, a genie popped out and granted me one wish, he said speek clearly because the Genie had a slight hearing problem!" The barman stopped for a second and shook is head "Well, all I can say is I didn't ask for an 18" Pianist!!!"

2007-03-08 04:50:32 · 5 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

2007-03-08 04:45:52 · 15 answers · asked by The Riddler 1

2007-03-08 04:42:59 · 14 answers · asked by Dermo26 2

2007-03-08 04:39:34 · 5 answers · asked by ♥ 3

I am living in water,if u cut my head,i am a fruit.if u cut my tail,i am at your door.if u cut my head&tail,i am with you...who am I?

2007-03-08 04:29:37 · 22 answers · asked by rajkota_16 k 1

Under there?

2007-03-08 04:24:48 · 5 answers · asked by nikki 2

If the barber shaves all the men of the village who do not shave themselves, who shaves the barber????

2007-03-08 04:23:25 · 22 answers · asked by Dellboy from UK 3

2007-03-08 04:18:08 · 21 answers · asked by rebelady28379 7

A man entered a train with 3 babies in tow....a woman askes him, 'Are they yours?'....he repiles.....'No, i work in a condom factory and these are the complaints'.

2007-03-08 04:17:57 · 35 answers · asked by taxi 6

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: New Company Policy:
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Dress Code
>>
>>1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to
your
>>salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag,
we
>>assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay
>>raise.
>>2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
>>better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not
need a
>>pay raise.
>>3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be
and
>>therefore you do not need a pay raise.
>>
>>Sick Days
>>We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
If
>>you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>>
>>Holiday Days
>>Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
>>Saturday & Sunday.
>>
>>Compassionate Leave
>>This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead
>>friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
>>non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee
>>involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
>>afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour
>>and
>>subsequently leave one hour early.
>>
>>Toilet Use
>>1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There
is
>>now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
>>2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the
toilet
>>paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture
will
>>be taken.
>>3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on
the
>>company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
>>4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned
under
>>the company's mental health policy.
>>
>>Lunch Break
>>1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat
more
>>so that they can look healthy.
>>2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced
>>meal to maintain their average figure.
>>3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all
the
>>time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
>>
>>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an
employer of
>>choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
>>
>>Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations,
>>irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
>>contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
>>
>>Management
>>" We are limited but we can push back the borders of our limitations"

2007-03-08 04:16:17 · 78 answers · asked by taxi 6

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says "Hey! You're a grasshopper! We've got a drink named after you!".

The grasshopper says "Really? You have a drink named Leonard?!".

2007-03-08 03:56:11 · 23 answers · asked by Jay A 3

...waiting to let ppl in, wen Albert Einstein comes to the gate. St.Peter says "If you can prove you're Einstein i can let you in," so Einstein requests a chalkoard and does a very complicated equation and proves a theory, so St. Peter allows him to go to heaven. A second man comes to the gate claiming to be Picasso, again St.Peter asks him to prove it. Picasso Draws a beautiful picture on the board and St. peter lets him in. A third man comes to the gate and says his name is David Beckham, St Peter says " Well Einstein and Picasso proved who they were but how can you prove you're David Beckham, David says " Who're Einstein and Picasso"? St.Peter replies. "In you go David." !

2007-03-08 03:54:09 · 13 answers · asked by **Missy** 3

an irishman finds a sarnie in the road with two red wires sticking out of it . He phones the police and says"help,be -jesus ive found a sandwich that looks like a bomb!"the operator says"is it ticking?"no" says the irishman"i tink its beef" no offence meant to anybody irish

2007-03-08 03:43:24 · 19 answers · asked by steve738494 3

The Pope has it but he does not use it.
Your father has it but your mother uses it.
Nuns do not need it.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox's is quite small.
What is it?

Quick Hurry Up && Answer it!! =D

Don't worry there is nothing dirty about this it just sounds like something else but it isn't that its something more sensible n obvious. x

2007-03-08 03:37:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lawyer married a woman who had
previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."



"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that
be if you've been married ten times?"



"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept
telling me how great it was going to be.




Husband #2 was in software services: he was never
really sure how it was supposed to function, but he
said he'd look into it and get back to me.




Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get
the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew
he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able
to deliver.




Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic
process but wanted three years to research, implement,
and design a new state-of-the-art method.




Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he
thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was
his job or not.




Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice
product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was
talk about it.




Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at
it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did
was... God! I miss him!




But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get
screwed!"

2007-03-08 03:36:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous