Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet of there car.The nun who is driving says to the other,"quick!show him your cross."so the other nun leans out the window and shouts,"get off our f--king car!"

2007-03-08 03:31:17 · 31 answers · asked by steve738494 3

A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM
THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED, SWEATING AND PANTING. "WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS "I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN. HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR WARDROBE AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON. THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE WARDROBE FLOOR. "YOU ROTTEN S.O.B.," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"

2007-03-08 03:21:21 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

newly married and trying to get pregnant black couple after six months finally the woman says shes goin to the docta to get checked out and the docta tells her shes fine , but make an appt. for your husband. the husband goes in and doesnt come home til later that night dressed up in a new hat , new suit , new shoes , and the wife asks him where have you been , did you even go to the docta ? yeah , i went to the docta and he told me i was impotent , so i figured i might as well look impotent !

2007-03-08 03:17:38 · 11 answers · asked by doghouse 3

Man: Is there any way for long life?Dr: Get married.Man: Will it help?Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
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Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
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There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!
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Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands
before the fight begins!
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A man was praying to god.He said, "God ?"God responded, "Yes?"And the Guy said, " Can I ask a question?"
Go right ahead", God said."God, what is a million years to you?"God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man wondered.Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?".God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."So the man said, "God can I have a penny ?"And God cheerfully said, "Sure!.......just a second ."

2007-03-08 03:13:08 · 9 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

it comes once in a year,twice in a month,4 times a week, 6 times a day .what is that? i don't know the answer. clue:it comes once in year&twice inweek.to this Qn , answer is : e comes once in year but 2times in week

2007-03-08 03:12:07 · 25 answers · asked by Iniyavasan A 1

In the dictionary, REPUBLICAN is in between REPTILE and REPUGNANT.

No, offense, all the repubs out there

2007-03-08 03:07:33 · 9 answers · asked by ~ Lillie ~ 4

Iam a thing. teachers hate me.gold likes me.cow likes me. monkeys wats to eat me.what is that?iam a 9 letter word.

2007-03-08 03:04:59 · 18 answers · asked by Iniyavasan A 1

2007-03-08 03:04:08 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

John a morbedly obese man tried all cures nothing worked he adventually ended up at the university having been warned that the pills he was going to try were not proven properly he desperatly took them after two months he went went back the flesh had shrunk but the skin had not so the surgeon pulled the skin up and cut it off at the top three weeks later he was walking along and met his friend "Is That you John? how is it you have one extra eye in your forehead? " thats nothing my friend have you seen my new tie"

2007-03-08 03:01:27 · 7 answers · asked by the bee man 4

Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed.

So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says "I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring... it was so wonderful."

James said "Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had s_e_x in every imaginable way all day."

Ron was so jealous "Your day was so much better than mine... did you get a b!0w j_0_b?"

"Nope" James replied, "I couldn't find her head!"

2007-03-08 02:57:34 · 12 answers · asked by Jay A 3

Im in need of a funny poem about betty boop which must include the word 'knickers'...dont ask me why, i wouldnt know where to begin. All answers very welcome.

Thank you in advance.

2007-03-08 02:57:14 · 2 answers · asked by vintage-topper 3

2007-03-08 02:56:35 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Golf-____-____-____-Ball------------you can only change one letter to get to the next word....good luck!

2007-03-08 02:45:01 · 5 answers · asked by V3CK!N 1

as a riddle...PLEASE don`t answer nonsense

2007-03-08 02:43:51 · 10 answers · asked by gaucha 3

An old woman in a nursing home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted.

"To get straight to the point, I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in s_e_x_u_a_l activity, but I was wondering if you would help me."

"Of course," she smiled.

"I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my willy for a while."

The old woman saw no harm in it, so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurence, and every day the 2 elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his willy.

One day,the woman went to the bench, but the man wasn't there. Feeling hurt, she looked around for him. To her amazement, she saw him and another woman and SHE was holding his willy!

"What does SHE have that I don't?" She screeched.

He looked up at her, smiled & said with a wink

"Parkinsons,"

2007-03-08 02:40:43 · 16 answers · asked by Jay A 3

A burglar is breaking into a home, and as he comes into the living room he hears: "God is watching you."

Upon hearing this he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner and says: "What is your name?"

The bird replies, "Moses."

The burglar laughs and says: "What kind of an idiot names their parrot Moses?"

And the bird replies, "The same idiot who named his Rottweiler, God."

can someone explain it to me?

2007-03-08 02:32:29 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A sailor is on a ship full of males. After being exhausted pleasuring himself he goes to the captain,
"Please help me, I’m so frustrated. Where can I really get some action?"
"Well you see that barrel over there? At midnight tonight go over there and stick your todger in that hole. Believe me this will be the best sex you have ever had" The captain replied. At midnight the young sailor did as he was told and at midnight went to the barrel.

The next day the sailor finds the Captain,
"My God, that was the best I have ever had, even with my girlfriend - how can I ever repay you?"




"You can take your turn in the barrel"

2007-03-08 02:30:48 · 13 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

ive heard homosexuals are just f***ing r's holes !

is this true ?

2007-03-08 02:27:31 · 12 answers · asked by Red5 5

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

2007-03-08 02:25:50 · 4 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

2007-03-08 02:25:22 · 3 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

I hear jokes about Uranus alot? I don't get it?

2007-03-08 02:25:01 · 19 answers · asked by croc122 2

A Welsh farmer walked into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and announced
"This is the pig I have to sleep with when you refuse me sex".
His wife snaps back
"I think you'll find that's a sheep" T
he farmer replies
"I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".

2007-03-08 01:58:52 · 22 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

Not sure if I should answer "Damit" or "Damit speaking".

2007-03-08 01:49:03 · 9 answers · asked by icprofit6000 7

A horse jumps over the tower and lands on a man, who disappears. How can such a thing be?

2007-03-08 01:23:14 · 9 answers · asked by Land Warrior 4

2007-03-08 01:21:44 · 7 answers · asked by bharat r 1

2007-03-08 01:19:51 · 18 answers · asked by jj 1

This man, a doctor, and his son are both in a terrible car accident, and they both need an operation immediately and they tell the boys mother that they are waiting for the doctor on call to get there because his parent cant operate on him due to hospital rules and regulations.
Who is the person who cant operate on him?
This one had me stumped lol.

2007-03-08 01:19:10 · 22 answers · asked by feb29 4

a "joke" that happened in front of me: Excuse me, do you know were's the ....street? asked a young person an older one. "yes, i do", she sad. "thank you", said the first one and walked away. did you enjoy it or was it to ...pathetic?

2007-03-08 01:14:07 · 8 answers · asked by here4u 1

He said "No Hassle"

2007-03-08 01:09:11 · 16 answers · asked by Coach 2

But on the other hand it's quite big!

2007-03-08 00:59:36 · 17 answers · asked by Coach 2