Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

We dont all talk like that. We dont all drink Guinness and to around sayin "Top O the morning to ya" who says that anyway???????? Iv never in my life heard an Irish person saying that. I think you yanks and english are very narrow minded.............

2007-03-08 00:58:03 · 5 answers · asked by Richbitch 3

"why?" He asked.

"cause i'm sick" says i.

"How sick are you" he goes on

"Well i've just 5hagged my sister!"

2007-03-08 00:57:25 · 8 answers · asked by Coach 2

2007-03-08 00:52:43 · 7 answers · asked by 99tzm 3

Little sneak came up to me, and asked, 'There's a bugger in your nose!"
I told her,"No, it's Not." Did I win????
Next day this horrible creature came up. "What is the proper grammar, 'Egg white are yellow, or egg white is yellow?'"
Since this girl had bested me many times, I took a minute to think about it and got the right answer. It's much harder to do verbally.
It went on like this for years. Whew, I'm glad she graduated, aren't you?

2007-03-08 00:41:05 · 7 answers · asked by peter s 3

...are being kept as prisoners of war. Their captors let them decide how they want to be killed. They have the choice of being hung, shot or injected with AIDS. The Englishman says "i want to be shot, quick and painless." The scotchman says he wishes to be hung, but wen they come to the irishman he says, "inject me with AIDS". His Captors are astounded and ask him if he's sure. The irishman says "Yep i'm sure - inject me with AIDS. Once they have infected him with the virus, the irishman begins to laugh hysterically. They ask him whilst he's laughing even tho he has just been injected with a deadly disease. The Irishman calms himself long enough to say," I'm wearing a condom! "

2007-03-08 00:37:58 · 28 answers · asked by **Missy** 3

Punchline : Popes on a bus (or was it plane?)

2007-03-08 00:35:19 · 7 answers · asked by specs appeal 4

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

2007-03-08 00:34:46 · 4 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare

The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.
"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized for only fifty dollars. There's just one condition... "
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear...


"Clean... my... house."

2007-03-08 00:32:54 · 6 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to
everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's
best man asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied the man, "When we had finished making love on
the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50
bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend.
"I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't
expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get
over this though. She gave me $20 change!"

2007-03-08 00:30:19 · 14 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in the bathroom.

He asked his father what that was hanging between his legs.

His father replied that it was the perfect p_e_n_!_s.

The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pants down in front of his classmates.

"What's that?" asked Jenny.

"Well," said Johnny, "If it was about 3 inches smaller, it would be the perfect p_e_n_!_s.'''

2007-03-08 00:24:47 · 18 answers · asked by Jay A 3

A woman and man meet in a bar.
they talk, connect and end up leaving together.
they get back to his place and he shows her around.
She notices that one wall in his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet cuddly teddy bears.
there are 3 shelves filled with them.
it was obvious he had taken time to arrange them and she was touched by the display.
Small bears at the bottom, medium ones on the middle shelf and huge ones on the top.
she doesnt ask the man she just thinks to herself how sensitive he must be.
They share a bottle of wine and one thing leads to another.
in the morning she asks him "so how was it?"
he turns to her rubs her cheek and says "help yourself to any prize on the middle shelf!
HOW BAD IS THAT!

2007-03-08 00:21:28 · 21 answers · asked by jj 1

three women die together and go to the gates of heaven - where St Peter is waiting for them 'hello' he say, 'to get into heaven you have to enter a certain room' he leads them to the room, which is full of ducks to pass into heaven says St Peter, u have to avoid the ducks, u cannot stand on na single one' 1 min later., the first woman stands on one and is tied to the worlds most ugliest guy 3 mins after that the second woman steps onto a duck and the same thing happens to her the third woman however was a farmer, and took care not to stand on the ducks, and managed to do so for a whole three hours, before the door of the room opened, and stood there was St Peter with the worlds most fittest guy ever third woman is tied up wiv this guy, adn makes conversation "what did you do to deserve such a gud looking lass as me" asks the third woman "i dont know what u did to deserve me, but to get u, i stepped on a duck within a minute of being up here in heaven"
ratings please!!!

2007-03-08 00:19:04 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Parramatta, New South Wales courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.


The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.


The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.


When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.


After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.


After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone

2007-03-08 00:13:39 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.

"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Man Utd fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Man Utd supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now f**k off".

2007-03-08 00:06:54 · 8 answers · asked by Stacey A 2

President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I can throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "that being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big shots back there. ****, I could throw all of ya'll asses out of the window and make 56 Million people very happy."

2007-03-08 00:06:03 · 5 answers · asked by nothing 5

One turns the other and says "I've f**ked your mother, put my c0ck in her mouth and b0ned her up the @rse."
The other guy turns round and says "I think you had enough to drink now dad!"

2007-03-07 23:59:10 · 18 answers · asked by Louis Junior. 4

2007-03-07 23:46:26 · 25 answers · asked by Summer 1

2007-03-07 23:25:53 · 24 answers · asked by Gnanraj 2

driving through the desert when their jeep breaks down.
after a couple of hours trying to fix it they decide to walk.
the englishman says
"ok lets all take 1 item from the jeep to help us on our walk"
so the englishman takes the jeeps water bottle "just incase we get thirsty" he says.
the scottishman takes an umbrella "if a sandstorm kicks up we can shelter behind it" he explains.
all of a sudden the irishman appears with the passenger door in his hands.
he says....



"just incase it gets too hot we can wind the window down"


give it a star if you think its good.
also whats all this fans stuff about??
i want some fans.

2007-03-07 23:24:52 · 10 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

Larry is getting along in years, and finds that he is
unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his
doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to
work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said,
he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a
flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only
use it once a year. All you have to do is say, '123,'
and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I
don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner
has to do, is say is 1234, and it will go down. But
be warned - it will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and
prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers,
shaves, and puts on his most exotic after-shave
lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says,
"123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than any time
in his life - just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks,
"What did you say 123 for?"

2007-03-07 23:18:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

a boy was holding a girl's hand&talking to her.
he asked her "How do you REPRODUCE?"The girl tells bout
all that stuff in the scientific manner &asks HIM how He reproduces........

he says " By holding hands ".....................

P.S - this is a new one in my campus& i wanted to know how you'd take it& to get your 10 points,give me some of your coolest jokes(they can be sexy ,dirty,cheap or not , all that is o.k)

2007-03-07 23:13:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who would win and why?

Remember this is a joke!

2007-03-07 23:09:47 · 7 answers · asked by Mrs. T 4

If a kingdom is ruled by a king, an empire is ruled by an emperor and a dictatorship is ruled by a dictator, who rules a country?

2007-03-07 23:00:21 · 15 answers · asked by **Missy** 3

2007-03-07 22:56:41 · 5 answers · asked by Mr. Blue 2

Q: What's a Safeway called in the desert?

A: Sandway!

My friend made it up lol.

2007-03-07 22:40:07 · 24 answers · asked by jess. 2

cause when she comes she is wild and wet and when she leaves she takes the car and the house with her.

2007-03-07 22:35:32 · 15 answers · asked by looby 6

a lady had just purchased a new car and decided to test how fast it can really go.

as she pushed her car to the max she heard sirens , looking in her review she sees a cop patrol car following her so she pulls over.

as the cop swaggered towards her , ticket book in hand she rolls down her window and uses her most seductive voice and says..........................'' ooohh officer'' she gushes '' you're gonna gimme a ticket to the cops annual ball ! aren't you?!''

the cop look at her confused and says '' Sowi mam , cops dont have balls..''

2007-03-07 22:29:50 · 13 answers · asked by UFO 1

2007-03-07 22:24:09 · 9 answers · asked by princess 3

hee it it would be funny though? can you think of a worse name?

2007-03-07 22:23:29 · 17 answers · asked by princess 3

i do it myself...i never stand up staight! lol

2007-03-07 22:21:28 · 15 answers · asked by princess 3