best joke ever?

Question

tell me the best joke u no this is the best i know
There was a guy named Jimmy, and his town was being drowned by a flood. When the water was around his ankles, a fire truck came by saying, "Yo, Jimmy, need a lift?" "No, no, I'm fine God will save me." The fire truck left.

As the water reached his ribs a coast guard came by saying, "Jimmy! Need a lift?" "No! God will save me!" The coast guard went away.

When the water had reached Jimmy's head, a helicopter flew overhead. The driver shouted, "Jimmy! C'mon, I'll take u to safety!" "That's all right! God is bound to save me now!" The helicopter flew away.

Jimmy died. When he went to heaven, Jimmy asked God, "God, why didn't you save me?" God answers, "I sent you a fire truck, a coast guard, and a helicopter, what more do you want?!"

Answer 1

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his a*s.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his a*s.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah! God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Answer 2

Not bad...with God making the joke so much better.

Here is an old one chosen as the best joke by New York Times. It was reworded and retitled as "A Different Universe by Robert Laughlin, Nobel Physicist 1998, Stanford Physics professor...)"

HOLMES: Watson, look up at those stars in the sky! What do you deduce?

WATSON: Well, each of those pinpricks of light is a huge sun powered by the fires of hydrogen fusion. That fuzzy patch over there is the Andromeda galaxy. Powerful telescopes tell us that Andromeda is an island of billions and billions of stars. Even more powerful telescopes tell us that there are billions and billions of such galaxies stretching out to the edge of the universe. If even one in a million of those suns had planets, and even one in a million of these had an oxygen atmosphere, and even one in a million of these had life, and even one in a million of these had people and civilizations, then we would be certain of not being alone in the universe.

HOLMES: No, Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent!

Answer 3

Pretty good. Heard it before, and its not the BEST joke, but still good though.

Answer 4

there was a girl at the bar and the man across seen her and walked over to her and they started talking and after an hour he asked her to come to his car to make out so she did and he stated kissing and touching and the woman said"" baby is that your wedding ring i feel" and he said "no that's my watch "loll!!!!!!

Answer 5

i dont get it trishie

Answer 6

I LOOOOOOOVE THIS!!!!