Your BEST joke?

Question

Ok, I'm easily entertained, so I'm asking for your very best joke. The one that makes me laugh till I hurt, wins 10 points!

Answer 1

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his a*s.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his a*s.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah! God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Answer 2

This joke is about my big flag folg when i said in second grade. In second grade, i was in a show where it was my job to wave the flag and then say a few words into the microphone onstage. I was so nervous that i walked too fast and missed the microphone. When i tired to back up, I accidentally hit the girl holding the microphone. As if that was not humilisting enough, my shoelaces got caught on the flagpole. So, when i walked down the steps, the flag hit me in the face and I tumbled all the way down the steps and all the kids where laughing at i though that was really fun and funny!

Answer 3

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Answer 4

Bill Gates and Hugh Grant were at a party, Bill asks Hugh how much his "date" with Divine Brown was? Hugh told him she's very expensive now due to the coverage in the news, but Bill could easily afford her.

So Bill make's a date with Divine, later that night Bill says " I can see why they call you Divine" to which she replies, yes and I can now see why your company is called micro Soft!!

Answer 5

a husband and wife are at home, the wife is just getting out of the shower, and the husband is just about to get it when the doorbell rings. he asks her if she would go answer it, and she replies with "i'm only wearing a towel though" he says just wrap it around you tight and answer it. so she does, and finds that it is the neighbor Bob. Bob looks at her and says: "i;ll give you $800 to drop that towel." so she does. she runs back upstairs, all excited cuz she just got $800. she runs into the bathroom and starts to tell her husband about it, but he cuts her off and says: " did bob tell you anything about that $800 that he owes me?"

Answer 6

okay, so a man and his dog Rover are stuck on a desert island. The only way for the man to survive is to cook and eat his dog. So, he roasts him up and eats everything except the bones. Afterwards, he puts the bones in a pile, looks over, and says "Man, Rover would've loved those bones."

Answer 7

john came to father at church and said, "father. i've been living with a curse for over forty years."
father : "that's sad. but i can free u of your curse if u can tell me the exact words used to give u the curse."
john : "done, father.
i remember exactly. the words were
Now I pronounce you both Man and Wife."
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Friendship among women :
A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband that she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know about it.
Friendship among men :
A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife that he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husbands 10 best friends. Eight of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.

Answer 8

a lady gets on the bus with her baby. the bus driver says "that the ugliest baby i've ever seen!" she goes and takes a seat near the back and she's really angry. she tells the man next to her what just happened. he tells her " the nerve of some people!! you march right up to him and you tell him off...go on, i'll hold your monkey for you!!"

Answer 9

3 men walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have noticed it.

A slightly newer version of the old classic