English Deutsch Français Italiano Español Português 繁體中文 Bahasa Indonesia Tiếng Việt ภาษาไทย
All categories

Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

a blonde walkes into retrovision and asked the man if she could by the tv that was for sale and the man says sorry i dont serve blondes so she dies her hair and comes back and says can i by that tv over there and the man repeated no sorry i dont see blonds and the girl says " how do you know that im blond? "
he says because #1 only blondes would die there hair the same colour each time they came back and #2 and its not a tv its a microwave

2007-02-02 19:23:28 · 14 answers · asked by Cj : ) 2

Hide the Duke

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"

2007-02-02 19:17:46 · 6 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a red head, brunette, and a blonde driving in a convertible car. They were driving to fast and flew over a gaurd rail and they landed in a river. The red head and the brunette float up to the surface. Why didn't the blonde?

-Her door was locked!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a burnette sitting in the middle of the road singing 53 53 53 53. A blond comes out to where the burnette was and said, what are you doing? The burnette motioned her to sit down. The blonde did and started to sing with the burnette, 53 53 53 53. The burnette got up when the blonde was to caught up in singing and moved to the side of the road. A semi came speeding down the highway and the blonde was ran over. The burnette came back out, moved the dead blonde into the ditch. She sat down, and started to sing, 54 54 54 54.

b the way im blond 2 lol

2007-02-02 19:17:42 · 8 answers · asked by Cj : ) 2

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you pooped it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.

Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.

Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Dog Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.

The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!

The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

2007-02-02 19:16:03 · 5 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

Did you hear about the blonde who hijacked a submarine?She demanded $200,000 and a parachute.

"I wish I can become really smart and find a way off this island". POOF! The redhead immediatly build a boat out of twigs and vines and sailed off the island. The brunette then approached the genie and said "I wish to be even smarter than the redhead and find a way off the island". POOF! She started to collect rocks and seashells and made a airplane and flew right off the island. Now very excited, the blonde said to the genie "I want to be even smarter than those two and find a way off this island. POOF! The blonde turned into a man and walked across the bridge.

im blond2

2007-02-02 19:15:29 · 6 answers · asked by Cj : ) 2

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

2007-02-02 19:10:12 · 6 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

A MOSQUITO CAN FLY, BUT A FLY CAN'T MOSQUITO!!!

2007-02-02 19:01:30 · 9 answers · asked by JUSTASKING 1

When young.. I am sweet in the sun.
When middle-aged.. I make you gay.
When old.. I am valued more than ever...

What am I?

2007-02-02 18:58:01 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

WHATS' THE MORAL OF THE STORY??








































































































































































YOU CANT HAVE YOUR KAYAK, AND HEAT IT TOO!!

2007-02-02 18:49:16 · 8 answers · asked by JUSTASKING 1

What force and strength
can not get through,
I with a gentle touch can do,
and many in the streets would stand,
were I not as a friend in hand.

2007-02-02 18:48:57 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to EuroDisney?
A: She saw a sign saying: "EuroDisney Left" so she went home.


Did you hear about the blonde who put under Education on her job application, 'Hooked On Phonics'...


Q: What did the blonde girl name her pet Zebra?
A: Spot.


Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the pedestrian sign said "DON'T WALK".


Q: What does a blonde Owl say?
A: What, what?


Q: What do you see when you look directly into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.


Q: What did the Dumb Blonde do when she went to a film that had an NC-17 (no under 17's) rating? A: Went home and got 16 friends.


Q: What do you call a blond behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.


Q: How do you tell if a blonde writes Mysteries?
A: She's got a checkbook.


Q: How can you tell a FAX has been sent from a blonde?
A: There's a stamp on it.

2007-02-02 18:47:35 · 9 answers · asked by Cj : ) 2

An old man and woman were married for many years, even
Though
They hated each other. When they had a confrontation,
Screaming
and yelling could be heard deep into the night The old man
Would
shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the
Grave and
come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black
Magic,
Because of
the many strange occurrences that took place in their
Neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's
relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake After the burial,
She went
straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there
Was no
tomorrow..
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you
Afraid
That
he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave
And
Come
back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had
Him buried
upside down......"
My kind of woman

2007-02-02 18:44:35 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Stages of Drunkenness

0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzels are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of brx. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about brxs. Order half a dozen packets of pretzels one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you lxve her and she still has an amazing axs.

2007-02-02 18:33:41 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother: "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"

"That's your father."

"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gxy cabaret and txkes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwxxr. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some gxy and stxy with him all night for mxnxy."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little johnny aside to ask him,



wait i am working on it

2007-02-02 18:25:18 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-02 18:22:37 · 8 answers · asked by JUSTASKING 1

once,,a monkey and a lizard were hiking,,
suddenly,both were thirsty,,
so,monkey went to drink water first,,from the sea,,while lizard was guarding the bags,,
now monkey came and was lizard's turn to go and drink water,,
but lizard fell in sea while drinking,,and there came a crocodile,,saved lizard,,and asked everything,,
lizard said " its all monkey's fault,,he sent me here ",,
then angry crocodile went to scold monkey,,
but before he could say anything,,monkey saw the crocodile and said " ohh my god,,how much water did u drink??",,

2007-02-02 18:20:29 · 19 answers · asked by gunkedar 2

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn,
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course,
she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey?
Please?
Just one more time before I die."

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on
the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly and said, listen barry I am not being funny

2007-02-02 18:03:57 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

DONT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY,,THATS WHY THEY R CALLED JOKES,,



1) what is the difference between women and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

2) Why do women always have a stupid look on their faces?
Answer: Because they are...

3) what do women have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

4) If you drop a women and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit
the ground first?
Answer: Who cares?????.....

5) What did God say after he created woman?
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created man

6) what's the difference between an intelligent woman & a UFO?
Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either.

7) What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
Answers: I) no mind ii) no business

8) what makes women chase men when they have no intention of marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles when they have no
intention of driving

2007-02-02 17:55:40 · 9 answers · asked by gunkedar 2

A man is out hunting, and sees a bear; he aims & fires. He looks for the bear, but can't find it
He feels a tap on his shoulder; it's the bear.
The bear says' "Look, I just came out of hibernation; I'm hungry and I'm horny, so I can either eat you or f*** you-your choice".
Well, the man doesn't want to be eaten, so he let's the bear have his way with him.
A week later, the man is back, this time with a fully automatic rifle. He sees the bear, and unloads the entire clip at him. He looks for the bear, but can't find him.
He feels a tap on his shoulder; same bear, same deal.
A week later, the man is back, this time with a grenade launcher. He sees the bear, and fires; takes out about an acre of forest, but still can't find the bear.
He feels a tap on his shoulder.
The bear says, "You're not really out here to hunt, are you?"

2007-02-02 17:49:57 · 2 answers · asked by zzooti 5

A man without eyes saw plums on a tree;
He neither took plums, nor left plums Now how can that be?

2007-02-02 17:48:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Keep the joke going ... add an extra line yourself

A Dad comes home from work and the kids are unusually helpful and interested in getting dad into a good mood.
"OK, kids. What's wrong ... what's happened?"
"OK, we'll tell you. But don't say anything till we've finished, OK?"
"Well, dad, we have some Good News and Bad News ..."
"Good News, dad. We found a way to get more responsible ... "
"And the Bad News ... we got a dog."
"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh"
"The Good News is, it was free! It followed us home."
"The Bad News is, it may belong to someone else"
"The Good News is, they may not want it anymore"
"The Bad News is, it has fleas ..."
"The Good News is, we gave it a bath"
"The Bad News is, it ran into a different room before we could dry it"
"The Good News is, the dog is now dry"
"The Bad News is ...

your turn. keep the Good News - Bad News going.
Copy and paste the line before you that you continue on from to help make sence of the joke
Have fun

2007-02-02 17:33:42 · 11 answers · asked by wizebloke 7

okay what the hec did I do? I posted this joke and it was a little racist but I meant no offense at all! Toward anyone! I just thought it was funny, I mean people post things all the time! They post things about sex and I get in trouble? They don't get such nasty answers. I mean someone said "racism starts with you!" and another said "YOU SUCK!" but I did not mean anything by that little joke. I said "no offense" in my title thing. If you were the one that posted a nasty answer and are reading this now I apologize if I offended anyone. I am so sorry. I only meant for fun. Anybody who read and was offended I apologize, I got it from an email. I am not racist at all in fact, I love everyone. All races. I am so sorry. I deleted that question if it helps... I deeply hope that you can forgive someone like me. I deeply apologize to all of you who had to read that, and if you read it and were going to post a nasty answer I thank you for not.


I deeply apologize. :*(

2007-02-02 17:30:54 · 11 answers · asked by Juice 3

If he was a woman..sperm would taste like chocolate!

2007-02-02 17:29:43 · 1 answers · asked by linda_on_squirrellakerd 1

What's with all the Chuck Norris jokes? I really don't get them, and why have they occurred?

2007-02-02 17:13:25 · 6 answers · asked by UT_Star10 1

My is.... Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter

2007-02-02 17:00:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

...and sits down next to a woman. The woman asked, "Are you a cowboy?"

The cowboy replies, "Well, I've lived my whole life on a farm, rancing abd riding horses, so yes, I think I'd be considered a cowboy."

The woman says, "Well, I'm a lesbian."

The cowboy asks, "What's that?"

The woman says, "Well, every morning I think about women, during meals I think about women, in the shower I think about women, at work I think about women, and every waking moment I'm thinking about women."

The cowboy nods and is silent. A while later, after the woman had left, a man sat down next to the cowboy. He asks, "Hello, are you a cowboy?"

The cowboy said, "Well, I thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"

2007-02-02 16:39:50 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

What does a blond think everyday?
Oh and i will contact you if you have the correct answer or at least close to theanswer. and i just did this because i was really bored.

2007-02-02 16:36:21 · 13 answers · asked by Jesus_Roxs247 1

fedest.com, questions and answers