Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

when she arrives at work wiv a tampon behind her ear and cant find her pen

2007-02-03 02:13:32 · 20 answers · asked by zerocool 3

2007-02-03 02:12:01 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

is this funny

this is an A B conversation so C your way out of i before D jumps over E and knocks the F out of you

2007-02-03 02:11:38 · 4 answers · asked by im lost come and find me 4

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

2007-02-03 02:07:55 · 24 answers · asked by Matthew H 2

2007-02-03 02:00:24 · 11 answers · asked by Matthew H 2

And I'm pregnant or have AIDS would definitely not be funny! SO DON"T EVEN SUGGEST IT! Or I'm breaking up with you wouldn't either! Something harmless. He's a pothead, if that helps.

2007-02-03 01:55:21 · 16 answers · asked by SHELTIELUVER 3

7.Sept.15: Set up a tent in the camping department & told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows from the bedding department.
8.Sept.23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he began to cry & asks"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9.Oct.4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror & picked his nose.
10.Nov.10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11.Dec 2: Darted around the store suspiciously humming the Mission Impossible theme.
12 Dec.6: In the auto department practiced his Madonna look using different size funnels.
13.Dec18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14 Dec21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15.Dec. 23: Went into fittingroom, shut door, waited awhile, then screamed very loudly"There is no toilet paper in here!"

2007-02-03 01:35:39 · 12 answers · asked by Lori 4

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN!!!!

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

2007-02-03 01:31:55 · 9 answers · asked by ķōŅšţāńŢĩʼnę 3

Give me hard riddle but than can you tell me the answer, at the end?

2007-02-03 01:19:51 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

quickly, but Mrs. F loves to browse.HE must find an outlet for his boredom at Walmart...SO after about 25 shopping trips, here's a letter to Mrs. F.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past 6 months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban you both from our stored. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. F are listed below.
1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's shopping carts when they weren't looking.
2.July 2: set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3.July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,"Code 3 in housewares"...and watched what happened.
5.Aug. 4: Went to the service desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6.Sept. 14: Moved a 'CAUTION-WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area
cont.

2007-02-03 01:16:41 · 11 answers · asked by Lori 4

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his
deplorable
infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the
man's weiner off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The
little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the weiner
smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was
that?"
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything
sexual at such a young age, the father replied, It....it was only a bug,
Honey."
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a
moment said
"Sure had a big di ck, didn't it?"

2007-02-03 01:03:56 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Where I live, boogie men are polite and always knock first.

I answered the door the other day and said, "Honey, it's for you."

I was released from the hospital the next day after getting the baseball bat removed from my ...

2007-02-03 01:01:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is your favorite punch line?
Not the whole joke just the punch line.
like:

I don't know, but he's got the Pope for a chaufer.

Holy cow, a talking pig!

What is your favorite punch line?
Not the whole joke just the punch line.
like:

I don't know, but he's got the Pope for a chaufer.

Holy cow, a talking pig!

I don't know, I was talking to the duck.

2007-02-03 00:52:51 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

And his car breaks down. He called the AA for help. After looking under the bonnet for a while the AA man says' I can't fix this, you've blown a seal'. Indignantly the Eskimo says 'well thats a bit rich from you considering that you shag sheep'

2007-02-03 00:46:34 · 17 answers · asked by jan the gooner 2

OMG I almost induced labour from laughing so hard! Some people find it offensive but they don't realise this crackpot is a fraudster.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0tdbsjkBN0

2007-02-03 00:43:08 · 10 answers · asked by Smoochy Poochy 6

got stranded on an island inhabited by cannibals. The cannibals asked each of them to go into the forest and pick a fruit each.

1 hour later, the 1st man came returned, with a bunch of grapes in his hand. The cannibals told him to stuff the grapes into his a**hole, and if he made any sound, they would eat him.

The man was doing fine, soon left with a single grape. Suddenly, he burst out laughing, and was killed on the spot.

Why the sudden outburst?

2007-02-03 00:31:04 · 7 answers · asked by ddaarryy 2

These are advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country (or so we are led to believe)

- Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

- The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

- Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

- Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

- Stock up and save. Limit: one.

- We build bodies that last a lifetime.

- For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

- Man, honest. Will take anything.

2007-02-03 00:27:13 · 6 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels... Helllloooo!!! Bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited! Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ... box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid ... wrong instructions on packet ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!
June - Tried to go water skiing ... Bummer ... couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition ... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm ... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??
October - Hate M &M's .... they are so hard to peel.
November - Burned turkey. Baked it for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
December - Couldn't call 911 ..."duh" ... like there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

2007-02-03 00:26:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

2007-02-03 00:25:22 · 6 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box of crabs.


A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.


Shortly before landing, she couldn't remember who gave her the package, so she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney please raise your hand?"


Not one hand went up.


So she took them home and ate them herself!

2007-02-03 00:20:21 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just a joke i diddent put dead spider in my older sisters bed i only said that to see if you thought it was funny but none of you did i see some of you cant take a joke what about this joke then a ant says to a spider where you going to my web where you going to my nest is that funny for you and how old i am is nothing to do with you take a joke

2007-02-03 00:00:57 · 10 answers · asked by Juny 1

You have one gold bar that you need to pay a carpenter for an upcoming job. He will work seven days for you, and you must pay him one seventh (1/7) of your gold bar at the end of each day. The only problem is that the gold bar can only be cut twice. How will you cut the bar so you can pay him one seventh of the gold bar each day?


******Sorry, Check Spelling button not working for me today*******

2007-02-02 23:35:26 · 6 answers · asked by GreyGHost29 3

thts me n my friend ....jus wanna find out who has a better name....................answer honestly

2007-02-02 23:30:04 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I put a dead spider in my older sisters bed she diddent find the dead spider ha ha ha and she hates spiders what tricks have you done

2007-02-02 23:18:07 · 12 answers · asked by Juny 1

the difference between theoretically and realistically. dad says thats hard but i have an idea.
Ask your mum if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million quid. mum says yes.
Dad says ask your sister if she would sleep with the coalman for 2 million quid. sister says yes.
dad - well theres your answer theoretically were sitting on 3 million quid but realistically were living with 2 fu**ing slags!

2007-02-02 23:16:32 · 23 answers · asked by cheekybluebed 6

2007-02-02 23:13:33 · 7 answers · asked by an_angel_in_d_sky 2

2007-02-02 23:10:57 · 2 answers · asked by an_angel_in_d_sky 2

Fallen bridge
A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river. The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. While on the other side of the river, the bridge fell down. She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back. He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back." She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off."

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around,and all fall off.

2007-02-02 23:09:18 · 13 answers · asked by Cj : ) 2

2007-02-02 23:05:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

he lifts bonnet an looks in when he hears a voise say its your petrol pump he looks around and theres a cow looking over the fence and says again its your petrol pump the man runs away frightened finds a pub and told the landlord about the cow talking to him the land lord says take no notice it dont know nowt about cars

2007-02-02 22:50:23 · 12 answers · asked by thickstaff05 2