Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

What can be heard and caught but never seen?

2007-02-03 06:38:18 · 13 answers · asked by pollywollydoda 3

Would you rather sit on a circular saw or have you t i t s slowly chewed off by a horse

2007-02-03 06:27:53 · 16 answers · asked by Luke J 1

2007-02-03 06:19:28 · 22 answers · asked by Polaco B 1

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called the world. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.

There now.......feeling better?

2007-02-03 06:18:38 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After
sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are
blind,that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. Thelady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
blonde joke

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah,not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

2007-02-03 06:09:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (thats what Iran should do!)
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (I want to be a pig.)
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
>>>> > > > >(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
>>>> > > > >
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
>>>> > > > >
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
>>>> > > > >(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
>>>>(Hmmmmmm......any special cases? )
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
>>>> > > > >
>>>> >Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, is not elephants only fat humans too)
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >A cat's urine glows under a black light.
>>>> > > > >
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too. )
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >Polar bears are left-handed.
>>>> > > > >
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >
>>>> > > > >Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure.

2007-02-03 06:00:53 · 2 answers · asked by RIZZO 4

especially democrats out there: she's in your party. would you vote for her???


im all for a woman president. but NEVER her!!!

2007-02-03 06:00:10 · 15 answers · asked by [?] 2

First person wit correct answer get 10.
How far can a Blue dog run into the forest???

2007-02-03 05:58:03 · 5 answers · asked by Judah[[S.P.]] 3

Democrats put it on the back bumper.
Republican's put it on the front

2007-02-03 05:55:08 · 8 answers · asked by Henry B 5

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I am sorry = you'll be sorry
We need to talk = you're in trouble
Sure, go ahead = you better not
Do what you want = you will pay for this later
I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

I am hungry = I am hungry
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = let's have sex now
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

2007-02-03 05:55:01 · 3 answers · asked by postypaul 3

field goal

2007-02-03 05:53:58 · 17 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

Words women use

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


5 MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end
in "Fine."


GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER

It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

2007-02-03 05:53:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.
She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship.

Finally, in near desparation, she decided to purchase some crotch-less underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotch-less undies with a slinky negligee.

She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on the arm of his chair.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear."

2007-02-03 05:49:58 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

So an Irish man, a Mexican, and an Californian were sitting on a chairlift. The Irish man threw his beer off the edge, half full. They asked why he did that and he replied "there's more where that came from." So the Mexican was smoking a cigar and he threw it off the edge, half lit. They asked why he did that and he replied "Theres more where that came from." So they look at the Californian and ask "What is it that you have that you have too much of?" and he pushes off the Mexican....

**

I am NOT a racist in any way, so dont say i am. i just thought that was a funny joke.

2007-02-03 05:49:40 · 6 answers · asked by [?] 2

Two young men were arrested for smoking marijuana and went before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men. I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."

Come Monday, the judge asked the first young man how he did over the weekend. "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles on a piece of paper -- one the size of a silver dollar and the other the size of a dime. I told them, 'The big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.'"

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"

"Your honor," the second young man began, "I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you do it?"

"Well, I used the same two circles, but when I pointed to the small circle I said, 'This is your r£ct£m before prison...

2007-02-03 05:47:59 · 38 answers · asked by Tink 5

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her
husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more
butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER
listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you
CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget t o salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!!
THE SALT!!!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving."

2007-02-03 05:43:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Young Jimmy had to go to the optician's to have his eyes tested. During the test the optician asked jimmy to put his right hand over his right eye. This caused a certain amount of confusion in the young boy. "Well Ok," said the optician. "Put your left hand over your right eye." It didn't help. Jimmy was getting more flustered by the minute. "Put any hand over any eye," said the optician in exasperation. With this Jimmy became so totally confused that he froze in the chair.

An idea struck the optician and he went into the back room and cut a hole in an empty cornflakes packet roughly where he thought young Jimmy's eye ought to be. Back in his surgery he slipped the packet over the boy's head. Jimmy began to sob uncontrollably. "What's the matter? the optician asked. Jimmy replied through the sobs: "I wanted a gold rimmed pair like my brother got!"

2007-02-03 05:33:43 · 4 answers · asked by Tink 5

in this world of mine...
i have a dog that goes woof woof, but not arf arf
i have a ladder, but no stairs
i have a sleeping roll, but no bed
i have some beer, but no liquor
i have a pool, but no water
i have a spool, but no thread
i have green grass, but no bushes
i have a tree, but no sticks

give me some more examples of what i have and tell me the secret to all of these things.

2007-02-03 05:31:04 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

If u haven't tried it out yet you gotta do it very soon! it is--neutralriddle.50web.com--you will seriously have to rack your brains so put evrything aside and try it out,and if found tell me the answer for the 5th one,plz

2007-02-03 05:29:40 · 2 answers · asked by Sapphire 1

she's so fat: she's got her own zip code.
they have to weigh her on a richter scale.
she was standing on the corner when a cop pulled up & said."Break it up!"
when she goes to the beach, she's the only one who gets a tan.
she put on a pair of BVD's and they said BOULEVARD.

2007-02-03 05:27:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rules Read all of these no more than once!
1."Railroad Crossing Watch For Cars" can you spell that without any R's?

2. You are the driver of a bus, 15 people are on to start with, the bus stops and lets 7 people off but 8 people get on then the bus stops again 8 people get off and 9 get on the bus drives for 12 more miles until it stops again 1 person gets off and 14 get on then 10 minuets later 12 people get off and 26 get on then the bus drives for ten miles and and 6 people get on, and 1 person gets on okaynow who is the driver of the bus?

3. An electric train is going 20 miles per hour north, which way is the steam blowing?

4. A rooster is sitting on the middle of a roof when it lays eggs which way will they roll?

5. One dog weights 20kg and one dog weights 30kg how much do they weight?

6.There are 20 people in an empty, square room. Each person has full sight of the entire room and everyone in it without turning his head or body, or moving in any way (other than the eyes). Where can you place an apple so that all but one person can see it?

2007-02-03 05:26:42 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill and Ben, the flowerpot men were at home one night enjoying a relaxing evening in. Ben said:"Flob-a-dob. Dob-dob, flob-a-dob."
To which Bill replied: "If you loved me you'd swallow that."

2007-02-03 05:26:07 · 17 answers · asked by Tink 5

...and the plane suddenly blew apart while it was a few thousand feet in the air,would you at least TRY flapping your arms in the hopes that maybe,just maybe,you could fly?

2007-02-03 05:25:53 · 5 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

2007-02-03 05:20:23 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-03 05:19:24 · 12 answers · asked by ~sk8ter~chick~ 1

you hear some one singing and then you say you sould sing solo , solo i cant hear you can you help me think of more along those lines

2007-02-03 05:17:19 · 6 answers · asked by mr floppy 3

What's in a song, but not in a tune?
What's in a star, but not in the moon?
What's in the sun, but gone in the night,
Out of range, but still in sight?

2007-02-03 05:11:27 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The newly-declassified Kissinger tapes show President Nixon was regularly drunk while the White House dealt with the 1973 Arab-Israeli war. So while Nixon started to drink because of a war, President Bush started a war because he needed a drink.

2007-02-03 05:07:20 · 7 answers · asked by iamweirdarewethereyet 1

ILENE...

What do you call an Asian woman with one leg shorter than the other????.........................


Irene.

2007-02-03 05:05:22 · 8 answers · asked by drewwers 3

A man is locked in a metal box and the roof is weldered on.
The only thing thats in there is a wooden bench.
How does he get out?

2007-02-03 04:38:35 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous