Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

not 42. that is the answer to life.

2007-02-03 11:40:18 · 25 answers · asked by darth_daniel19910 2

would u rather lick peanut butter of a clowns fungus foot, or be in a cage for 5 minutes with a man eating lion. \

smart blonde(the point of these are is 2 see what ppl would risk)

2007-02-03 11:33:37 · 16 answers · asked by Smart Blonde! 2

why are men just as bad at making love as they are at driving?because the bastards have a tendency to pull out with no regard for who else might be coming!!!

2007-02-03 11:23:03 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

I heard this question a long time ago.
It took me a while, but I finally figured it out. Can you?

I'll post the answer if nobody can figure it out after the 3 days are up. You might want to check back for the answer.

2007-02-03 11:14:34 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said
... "You've Got Male."

2007-02-03 11:07:40 · 11 answers · asked by MynameisShirl 5

A woman is having an affair and is in bed with the other man in her third story apartment. She hears her husband come in the front door unexpectedly. The man jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes and hides. The woman is sitting up in bed with the sheets pulled up in front of her when her husband bursts through the door. He screams, “I know you’ve got a man here somewhere now WHERE IS HE?” The woman feigns ignorance and says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” So the husband starts running through the house looking behind doors, under beds, in the bathroom, etc. but finds no one. He comes back into the bedroom to confront his wife again. As he passes by the bedroom window he sees the man standing below on the sidewalk hurriedly jumping up and down trying to pull his pants on. The husband screams, “I KNEW IT! THERE HE IS!” The husband grabs their clothes armoire and starts scooting it across the floor toward the window. It flies right through and out the window falling straight down onto the man killing him instantly.

The man now finds himself sitting on a bench outside the gates of heaven looking pretty sad. Another man who had just died sat down next to him and asked, “Why so glum?” The man replied, “St. Peter wants to know how I died before he will let me in and I don’t know quite how to tell him.” The second man says, “Well, why don’t you tell me first?” The man says, “Ok, but this is so weird. I woke up this morning and realized I had overslept. So I jumped out of bed and grabbed my clothes as I ran out the door and you won’t believe this but an armoire fell out of the sky and landed on me.” The second man says, “That IS weird now isn’t it?” The first man says, “By the way how did you die.” The second man says, “Well, this is kinda weird too, but there I was minding my own business sitting in an armoire when ---------------.

2007-02-03 10:43:17 · 12 answers · asked by yagman 7

Zoo keeper says "Paddy, the Gorillas on heat, i need someone to have sex with her, will you shag her for £500?" Paddy says " i will on 3 conditions, 1, i dont kiss her.. 2, my family dont get to know, and 3 give me a couple of weeks to get the cash together!

2007-02-03 10:39:47 · 20 answers · asked by Rod Stewart 5

I know it's a stupid questuon but I NEED to have an some opinions. My own:Suki and the rest aren't dead but are driven into hiding with their village destroyed.

2007-02-03 10:37:39 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Essex girls pick up a perfume sample from the shop counter, Sharon sprays it on her wrist, "thats nice, dont you fink Trace" Yeah, wots it called? "Vien a moi" Wot the f**k does that mean Shal? The assistant pipes up "Its French for..Come to me" Shal sniffs again and says "Dont smell like come to me, does it to you Trace?

2007-02-03 10:24:08 · 19 answers · asked by Rod Stewart 5

We are very little creatures; all of us have different features. One of us in glass is set; one of us you'll find in jet. Another you may see in tin, and a fourth is boxed within. If the fifth you should pursue, it can never fly from you. What are we?

2007-02-03 10:21:11 · 13 answers · asked by Caroline M 1

man says to girl in nightclub "my name is Bond" Dont tell me its James? No uni, i've come to fill your crack!..

2007-02-03 10:13:18 · 9 answers · asked by Rod Stewart 5

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

2007-02-03 09:55:37 · 16 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

Two ropes walk into a bar.

The bartender says to the rope "Hey! we don't serve ropes in here" so one of the ropes left.

The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot.

The bartender said to the rope "Are you a rope?" and the rope said " no I'm afraid not" (i'm a frayed knot)

2007-02-03 09:52:08 · 21 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

Okay - They have announced that 2000+ birds have been killed in Suffolk from bird flu. So as a precaution they killed all the other birds that were near them 'just in case'.

So what happens if a human catches it? Does this mean that they have to cull everyone in the surrounding area 'just in case' too ????????

And if so - will the government then decide to scrap the new trident weapons programme and save billions by just launching in a few dead turkeys????

Could this be the REAL WMD that we have been hearing so much about ????

2007-02-03 09:49:48 · 6 answers · asked by David 5

Me: knock knock
You: whos there?
Me: Shelby
You: Shelby who?
Me: Shelby coming round the mountain when she comes




If your gonna say something mean or rude then dont answer.

2007-02-03 09:49:12 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

stockings in the car,”

The second one says, “My husband is too – I found a condom in his wallet, but I poked holes in it with a needle.” The third woman fainted.

2007-02-03 09:47:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Early this morning a devastating fire burned down the personal library of President George W. Bush.

Tragically, both books were lost in the conflagration.

More poignantly, The President, due to his hectic schedule, had not found time to colour in the second one.

2007-02-03 09:44:32 · 12 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

IN GOLF ONE BAD HOLE WON'T KILL YOU!

2007-02-03 09:41:02 · 5 answers · asked by JUSTASKING 1

ok if you were strandid on a island 4 rest of your life what would u bring

2007-02-03 09:35:36 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok if you were strandid on a island 4 rest of your life what would u bring

2007-02-03 09:35:26 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

AT THE 5 STAR HOTEL

Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea,
Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer : "tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea
or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"
Answer : "white"
Question : "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer : "With milk "
Question : "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer : "With cow milk please.
Question : " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer : " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question : " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer : "With sugar"
Question : " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer : "Cane sugar "
Question :" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer : "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question : "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer : "Mineral water"
Question : "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer : "I'll rather die"!!!

2007-02-03 09:28:48 · 7 answers · asked by gunkedar 2

There is a young girl in Sunday school and the teacher asks her 3 questions. First she asks " Would created the Earth?" A boy behind the girl pokes her with a pencil and she yells "God Almighty!" and the teacher says ''Correct." Second, the teacher asks "Who gave his life apon the cross to save us all?" The boy pokes the girl again and she exclaims "Jesus Christ!" And the teacher says "correct!". Third, the teacher asks "what did Eve say to Adam when they were making babies?" and the pokes the girl again and she said, "I swear to God, if you poke me with that thing one more time, i will break it in half!"

2007-02-03 09:28:37 · 12 answers · asked by Diamante 3

all in good fun

1. Does schizophrenia beats being alone?

2. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

3. When blondes have more fun do they know it?

4. Love may be blind, but is marriage is a real eye-opener?

5. why do bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques?

6. Laughing stock? is that cattle with a sense of humor?

7. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

8. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

9. If bigamy is one wife too many, is Monogamy the same thing?

10. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

11. If evolution is outlawed, do only outlawsl evolve?

12. Why DO kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

2007-02-03 09:27:18 · 7 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
********************************************

It Might be old but i still think it's good :)

2007-02-03 09:25:25 · 14 answers · asked by MynameisShirl 5

one night while a lady was at a ber she was noticed by 2 teens, and a blindman.when she got home she decided to take a shower. 2 minutes into her shower the doorbell rang and she looked through the bathroom window to see that it was a teen from the bar, so she wrapped herself in her towel and went to answer the door. she opened the door and he said "will you do it with me?" she clearly said no shut the door in his face. and went back up into the shower.3 minutes later the doorbell rang again, so she looked out the window, and noticed it was the other teen. again she wrapped herself in her towel and went and answered the door. he asked if she would let him do it to her. she again clearly said no and shut the door in his face. and proceded to get in the shower once again.2 minutes later the blindman knocked on the door.she looked out the window, saw the blindman and didnt bother to put on a towel.(meanwhile he had surgey)so she went and answred the door...the blindman said i can see!

2007-02-03 09:24:28 · 11 answers · asked by pecampsie 2

Snake Bite
"I hope I am not poisonous," said the first snake. "Why?" asked the second.

"Because I just bit my lip."

2007-02-03 09:16:02 · 15 answers · asked by swanning66 2

Question

An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?


Answer

It doesn't matter - none of them exist.

2007-02-03 09:13:24 · 12 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

lyk this one...
jack and jill went up the hill to get some marijuana.
jack got high unzipped his fly and asked her if she wanna.
jill said yes unzipped her dress and then they had some fun.
stupid jill forgot the pill and now they have a son


something lyk that funny yet kinda for adults.... no baby stuff...

2007-02-03 09:12:01 · 5 answers · asked by nicoleaase 2

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very load voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here... you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"

All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation...and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"

2007-02-03 09:10:06 · 12 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

its january and a man is on lsand and he wants to get across. he has a pitchfork,a rope and a wet suit but no oxygen tank. the nearest place is 68 miles away. how does he get across?

2007-02-03 09:09:17 · 7 answers · asked by Chaaarlie! 2