Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

2007-02-03 17:18:45 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I lawyer was standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back and neck. "He turns around and says what the hell do you think you are doing?" The guy behind him says "I am a chiropractor and I am keeping in practice while waiting in line" The lawyer replys "well I am a lawyer but yopu don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

2007-02-03 17:16:54 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-03 17:15:49 · 11 answers · asked by twisteditstrue 2

he was told one was female and the other male, but could not identify which is which when he got home. One day he found them mating and he identified the male and immediately shaved the top of its head. The following week he had a big party and decided to use the parrots to welcome people, the parots would say ''welcome to the Dean residence, have a good time'', guests were amazed and happy
All went well untill a bald headed man arrived. the parrots began laughing and laughing uncontrollably and the owner and the bald head guest were surprised. The bald headed man asked ''Why are they laughing?'' but before the owner could answer the male parrot said, ''so you were also caught f*cking"

2007-02-03 17:13:14 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

husband--do u know why only 10%of women go to heaven?
wife--why??
husand--if everyone goes there,,its would be called hell !!!
************************************
priest--those who want to go heaven plss stand at the corner,,
(everyone goes xcept one boy)
priest to boy--dont u wanna go heaven after u die?
boy--ohh i thought u meant now,,
******************************************
husband--why do u pray to go hell?
wife--coz u r going to heaven
******************************************

2007-02-03 17:10:45 · 2 answers · asked by gunkedar 2

2007-02-03 17:05:35 · 23 answers · asked by karthi k 1

well, there is comedy club at my school in a couple weeks and my friend said she would give me $25 if i get on stage and tell really stupid and lame jokes. for money i would do anything(non sl***y lol)!
so, can you all please say some horrible jokes, prefirbly really short ones.

thanks!

heres a lame one someone told me earlier-
what do you call ice cream that says "bonjour?"
French Vanilla

2007-02-03 17:04:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yeah, i've got none...

2007-02-03 17:01:03 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

2007-02-03 16:54:58 · 6 answers · asked by ♪♫♪Music Lover♪♫♪ 3

The other night my neighbour was being an absolute pain in the **** with an overly loud party, and at about 1:30-2 my dad went out and politely said "can you please quieten down." (my bedroom is right next too their backyard and i can hear everything, so he had the right to do so.) So my neighbour starts acting like the little prick he is and started hurling insults at my dad, and got ou his guitar and started shouting kumbayah with stupid unintellegent insults as lyrics such as "you are a homo and I am not". yes what a brilliant mind. Anyway. my sister looked out her window and saw balloons attached to her car, so my mum went out and accused my nieghbour of putting them there. It turned out my boyfriend had put the balloons on my sister's car not my neighbour.
So should my mum take the higher moral ground and apologise to my neighbour for jumping to conclusions, or treat them with the same contempt they've treated us with?

(they haven't apologised to us for their behaviour)

2007-02-03 16:50:29 · 6 answers · asked by jo 5

man--doctor,,my wife is a bit deaf,,
doctor--go home,,and tell me later from which distance she cant hear,,
(man goes home,,and from near the entrance door,,)
"honey,i m home,whats for the dinner?"
(no response)
(man goes more forward,,)

"honey i m home,whats for the dinner?"
(still no response,,)

(man goes near the door of the kitchen,,)
"honey,i m home,whats for the dinner?"
(still no response,,)

(man goes behind her and touches her shoulder,,)
"honey i m home,whats for the dinner?"

response--"for the 4th and the last time,,chicken rice,,"

2007-02-03 16:46:18 · 10 answers · asked by gunkedar 2

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function
and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather
coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
"WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.
"MAN: "How mu ch?
"WOMAN: "$65,000.
"MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
"WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000.
"WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!
"MAN: "Bye, I love you, t oo."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking
at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose
phone this is?"

2007-02-03 16:36:33 · 13 answers · asked by odd_person 4

She can't find the eleven.

2007-02-03 16:16:05 · 24 answers · asked by Mary 6

A. Apologize and wipe it off.

LOL

2007-02-03 16:14:03 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Arrange these words in to a sentences.

(love ever u hate me like heart for if u never in life)

2007-02-03 16:11:01 · 5 answers · asked by pilot 1

how do you knock someone out while they are sleeping without waking them up and without hitting them.

2007-02-03 15:54:30 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

didnot i toled U

2007-02-03 15:41:32 · 8 answers · asked by akbarrekabdar 1

Find the error. It's impossible!

AAA
BBB
CCC
DDD
EEE
FFF
GGG
HHH
III
JJJ
KKK
LLL
MMM
NNN
OOO
PPP
QQQ
RRR
SSS
TTT
UUU
VVV
WWW
XXX
YYY
ZZZ

Did you know that 80% of UCSD students could not find the error above? Repost this with the title "what's wrong here", and when you click "post bulletin", the answer will be really obvious.

2007-02-03 15:40:03 · 14 answers · asked by some random girl 1

2007-02-03 15:24:19 · 51 answers · asked by just some nobody 1

2007-02-03 15:18:43 · 14 answers · asked by ♥ ♥ C.J. ♥ ♥ 5

I Love this guy. Think you can guess it?

2007-02-03 15:17:03 · 11 answers · asked by kitten heelies 1

You Can't solve this

2007-02-03 15:12:11 · 6 answers · asked by tammygirl 1

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart ... what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"

2007-02-03 14:59:42 · 5 answers · asked by Cricketin_kiwi 1

ok heres a joke


There was a husband and wife,
They where going to "do it",
But they looked at the calender,
and there was a dinner with both sides of the family,
so the husband went down to the parmicey,
And the husband goes "my wife and i are gonna do it"
and he got the condoms,
came back and they had the dinner,
the husbands mom goes "my new career is good since now i am a doctor!",
and the rest of the family leaves,
and when they're in bed,
and the wife goes " i didnt kno ur mom was a doctor"
and the husband goes " i didnt know ur dad was the parmitrishion!"

sorry im bad in spelling... but is the joke good?

2007-02-03 14:55:22 · 31 answers · asked by ♥loveisforever♥ 2

have ya ever shined a laser in your mouth?!??! it's funny putting a red dot on your uvula*!! how long does it take to disolve a tootsie roll?! i'm gonna go find out!

2007-02-03 14:42:20 · 10 answers · asked by {!*LyRiX*!} 1

it is moving in all kinds of sparatic ways, it keeps going back and forth and it is scaring me?? it will hit things then go back over them and hit them again, it is totally wierd, i don't know what it could be?? it is the color of a person's skin..... actually, it is the exact same color as my skin, wierd huh?? i think..... hold on, i will find out what it is, i'll follow it to the source. i am looking up farther, i see a sleeve-like thing and it is attached to something. wait..... it is just my arms and hands typing on the keyboard, never mind. pheeeewww!! that was a close one, thanks everyone for your concern and help, i made it out alive!!

2007-02-03 14:41:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

if someone calls you a sl!ut say this:
there is no 'i' in sl!ut but there is a 'u'!!

haha.....
do ya'll think it's funny?! tell me

2007-02-03 14:33:28 · 2 answers · asked by {!*LyRiX*!} 1

Use your own words to finish this! Make it nice and interesting!

2007-02-03 14:33:02 · 17 answers · asked by JACQUELINE T 6

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this ***** giving you a hard time?"

2007-02-03 14:31:58 · 9 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

how come when you first open a bag of lay's brand potato chips, it smells worse than the inside of a stripper's a ss??

2007-02-03 14:30:00 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous