Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

2007-02-04 01:12:14 · 20 answers · asked by jjj 1

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on arms, the other has parrots on his arms.
After a few mins, they leapoff and fall to the ground.
Laying next to each other in A+E , the first moron say's " i dont think much of this budgie jumping" the other moron replies "Yeah, not to keen on this parrot gliding either."

2007-02-04 01:09:24 · 10 answers · asked by dan T 3

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!
To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice.
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things
they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how
feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of
kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up
for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world
will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel
good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents
had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine
about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as
they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning
your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought
you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of
your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing
grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the
right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers
off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.
Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually
have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

2007-02-04 00:56:35 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

well i think the question was self-explanitory but if you still need help then im sure theres a place where you probalbly should go its a macical place called school!
anyways i want some funny pranks for an upcoming party any suggestions?

2007-02-04 00:54:16 · 9 answers · asked by kezzer [x_x] 2

your trash is eaten and your dog's pregnant

2007-02-04 00:42:56 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-04 00:42:25 · 14 answers · asked by Hawke 2

I was sitting in the food court at the mall couple months ago and in comes this kid; he has his hair spiked and multi coloured, quite the site. He sits across from me and i can not stop staring at this site. Anyway everytime he looks up there I am staring. Finally he looks up one time and he snarls oldfool you ever do anything wild in your old life. So looking at him I say about 20 years ago i got so so falling down drunk and grabbed me a peaco ck had sex with it, and i was wondering if you were my son

2007-02-04 00:41:50 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells him, "Bill, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Clinton asks.

Saddam replies, "Allah is god, god is Allah."

Clinton says, "You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What could you see on the banners?" Saddam asks.

Clinton replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

2007-02-04 00:26:37 · 6 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

2007-02-04 00:07:32 · 8 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

Iv asked a few funny questions how meny of you want some funny jokes???

2007-02-03 23:47:27 · 23 answers · asked by dan T 3

1) Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

2) If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

3) Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

4) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

5) How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

6) What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?

7) Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?

8) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

9) If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

10) If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

11) Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

12) Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?

13) How do YOU KNOW it's new and improved dog food?

14) Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

15) If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

2007-02-03 23:41:13 · 13 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

This is funny...Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a
country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't -- the aged bovine was struck
and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the
owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to
lobbyists. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with
his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive
wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling
happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave
me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love
to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm
Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest
happened so fast I couldn't stop it".

2007-02-03 23:33:32 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mary fed her hens on chocolate hoping they would lay easter eggs. was that funny?

2007-02-03 23:31:19 · 19 answers · asked by philip k 1

2007-02-03 23:19:20 · 22 answers · asked by bond_guy4s 2

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!


Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Men just don't listen !

2007-02-03 23:13:14 · 17 answers · asked by leelee 2

There is a new fire engine in ireland and there using the old one for false alarms. was that funny?

2007-02-03 22:59:36 · 15 answers · asked by philip k 1

any type yo mama, racy, clean, sexuall any thing funny and origanal

2007-02-03 22:57:45 · 6 answers · asked by Queen of Boredom 2

1) If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

2) If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

3) How come abbreviated is such a long word?

4) If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

5) If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

6) Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

7) Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

8) Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

9) Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?

10) If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

2007-02-03 22:53:30 · 7 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

It is very important question and answers to this question must be smart and precise.
You can find the answer when extend this question to all boys around the world.

2007-02-03 22:43:37 · 20 answers · asked by s_m_taheri 1

Is it fair to say there'ed be less litterin britain if blind people were given pointed sticks???

2007-02-03 22:39:29 · 10 answers · asked by dan T 3

2007-02-03 22:36:23 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

2007-02-03 22:27:34 · 7 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

A man walks into a restaurant and orders fresh squid. He is told to choose the one he would like from the tank. The man chose the oldest, ugliest squid that had been there for over twenty years. It had gone green and had a big hairy lip. The waiter tries to talk him out of it but to no avail. The squid was taken to the chef, Forsace. As he was about to cut it up the squid looked at him with trembling hairy lips. Forsace couldn't do it. The customer was waiting so Forsace called the kitchen porter who was busy washing pots & pans 'Hans will you kill this squid for me' He begged. Hans agreed straight away but when he saw the big eye looking at him and the hairy trembling lip he just couldn't do it. By now it was getting late. The waiter rushed in to find out what the hell was going on. They explained why they couldn't do it and the waiter says .. are you ready for this... (I really am sorry) 'FOR HANS THAT DO DISHES YOUR AS SOFT AS FORSACE WITH MILD GREEN HAIRY LIPPED SQUID!

2007-02-03 22:04:38 · 29 answers · asked by jan the gooner 2

2007-02-03 21:57:29 · 13 answers · asked by quilm 3

Here is a riddle that will make u think(I hope so).
"I am 5 of daily use,u'll find us all in 'a tennis court'."
psst:it came in a hollwood film.

2007-02-03 21:46:30 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

the man that made it sold it, the man that got it didnt know he had it and evryone has to have one????

2007-02-03 21:37:59 · 16 answers · asked by chaz 1

How many snow flakes fall per inch of snow? How about 12 inches of snow? Is it really true that no two snow flakes are alike?

2007-02-03 20:54:14 · 7 answers · asked by grannywinkie 6

My friends and are having a sleep over, i need a good prank out of basic materials

2007-02-03 20:51:44 · 9 answers · asked by PunkEmopeoplelikeramen 1

I am a 7 letters animal.
If the last 4 letters are out, I'm used to cook.
If the first 4 letters are out, I'm female.
If the last 3 are out, then I'm used by men.
Who am I?

2007-02-03 20:49:30 · 6 answers · asked by VeNiE 5

My chair has an impression of my boumba on it so deep that my boumba is numb. What can be done for a numb boumba?
Be fun but clean please.

2007-02-03 20:41:42 · 3 answers · asked by grannywinkie 6