Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we
all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate,
not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I
was
"fascinated.

"The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word
"fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned
by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could
damage
the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her ****
are so
big she can only fasten eight."

2007-01-25 06:44:19 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A PERSON DRIVING ALONG THE HIGHWAY SPOT A DRIVER WHO HE BELIVES IS ADRUNK DRIVER SO HE DIALS 911 HELLO IM CALLING TO REPORT A DRUNK DRIVER OOOOOOHHHHH SORRY ITS JUST AN ASIAN

2007-01-25 06:43:42 · 27 answers · asked by ? 1

2007-01-25 06:43:21 · 8 answers · asked by lesliesgirl05 1

2007-01-25 06:42:42 · 17 answers · asked by lesliesgirl05 1

What's the definition of the bravest
>>
>> man in the world??
>>
>> The man who comes home drunk,
>>
>> covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife
on the
>>
>> backside and says: "You're next, fatty."
>>

2007-01-25 06:42:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a

number of years, when he came home one day to confess to his wife that

he had terrible compulsions. He had an urge to stick his pen*s into the

pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to

talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to

overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill

came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously

wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told

you how I had this tremendous urge to put my pen*s into the pickle

slicer?" "Oh Bill, you didn't!" "Yes, I did." "My God Bill, what

happened?" "I got fired." "No Bill, I mean, what happened with the

pickle slicer?" "Oh ... she got fired too."

2007-01-25 06:37:15 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Irishman was very ill and on the verge of dying. The doctor called the man's wife in and said,"There are three things that you can do to help your husband back to health"

"What are they, sir?"

"One: You must make him three huge meals every day.
Two: Never argue with him.
Three: Make love to him every night.

"Agreed." Said the woman.

On the way home the husband asked what the doctor said.

The woman replied,"Your going to die

2007-01-25 06:32:22 · 13 answers · asked by Wayne J 1

a snail goes into a bar ,new years eve !! slides up the bar and and asks for a pint "dont serve snails in here the barman says, picks him up and throws him out the door!!::::
the following new years eve , the same snail goes back into the same pub slides up the bar
and asks "what did you do that for"???????? (think about it)

2007-01-25 06:31:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1.His Doctor
2.His Priest
3.His Lawyer

"Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."

The priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the
church. It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

Well, the lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!"

2007-01-25 06:30:39 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A penguin on holiday is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“

2007-01-25 06:27:26 · 22 answers · asked by diana h 1

Woman behind me asked if I had a dog.Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I said no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, but I shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50lbs. before I awakened in I/C with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out. I went on&on with my bogus diet story & she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, cheap diet & that the way it works is to load your pockets/purse with Purina nuggets & simply eat 1 or 2 every time you felt hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that all in line were by now into my story, mostly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me & was that why I ended up in the hospital? I said no.I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out

2007-01-25 06:25:26 · 6 answers · asked by Feline05 5

How To Stop People From Bugging You About Getting Married

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

2007-01-25 06:17:52 · 20 answers · asked by Tink 5

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were
clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the
windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on
the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at
this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

2007-01-25 06:16:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

He forgot his wedding anniversary.


His wife was really angry.



She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds...

AND IT BETTER BE THERE"!


The next morning Jim got up early and left for work.


When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough

there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.


Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,

brought the box back in the house.



She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

2007-01-25 06:16:02 · 15 answers · asked by diana h 1

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over
here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure
out how to get it started.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,
it's a > tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he sighed.........
"Let's put all the Frosties back in the box......."

2007-01-25 06:11:49 · 21 answers · asked by diana h 1

2 blonds(no offence, i love blonds!!!) decide to go to disney land on holiday, they said they`d make a bit of a road trip of it. as they start approching disney land in the car the see a a sign saying "Disney land left" . . . . where do they go????

2007-01-25 06:11:11 · 19 answers · asked by Wayne J 1

The Three Little Pigs
>
>
> Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and
>took their drink order.
>
> "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
>
>
> "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
>
> "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
>
> The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for
>dinner.
>
> "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
>
>
> "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
>
> "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
>
> The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached
>the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
>
> "I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
>
> "I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
>
> "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little
>piggy.
>
>
> "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
>
>
>
> But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
>
>
>
>
>
> You're gonna LOVE me for this....
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The third piggy says -
>
>
>
> "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
>

2007-01-25 05:58:38 · 16 answers · asked by ilove_twilightmovie08 2

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"

GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."

So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shinny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"

2007-01-25 05:55:09 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Flying back from Ohio on Sunday I'm standing behind an Old Lady in the security line. As her one carry-on bag disappears into the X-Ray Machine, an alarm goes off and Airport Security jumps into action. Great, I thought, I'm stuck in line behind Osama Bin Laden's grandmother...

2007-01-25 05:50:53 · 19 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

and says av won the jackpot on the lottery and to start packing husband darling thats great were we going wife a dont care just make sure your gone when a get back

2007-01-25 05:47:11 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-25 05:42:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into his bedroom and

sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to
Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I
do for

you for free."

Later that night, on her way out,

the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his
suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going,
he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year!!!

2007-01-25 05:39:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-25 05:35:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam.

Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them

2007-01-25 05:34:39 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-25 05:33:07 · 14 answers · asked by khalid h 1

I heard the old ones:
How long did it take you get here from heaven?
You must be tired, you been running through my head since you got here...
Do you know anything about my phone? I need to know how to put your number in it...
I lost my phone number can I borrow yours...



What have you heard, used or what has been used on you?

2007-01-25 05:27:54 · 10 answers · asked by angel2005_2001 5

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

2007-01-25 05:26:54 · 9 answers · asked by bootygirl 2

Boudreaux on Death Row



There was a German, an Italian and Boudreaux on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. to be shot

2. to be hung

3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.



So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."



Boom, he was dead instantly.



Then the Italian said, "Just hang me."



Snap! he was dead.



Then Boudreaux said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."



They gave him the shot, and Boudreaux fell down laughing.



The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.



Then Boudreaux said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.



Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"



Boudreaux replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."

2007-01-25 05:24:28 · 15 answers · asked by ? 3

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway.
He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."

She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.

The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"

At that number, the blonde agrees.

The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.

"Got it," she replies.

He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.

Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"

The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends.

2007-01-25 05:23:58 · 12 answers · asked by tuxgal3 5

it goes sumthg like this ' voting for ****** is like racing in special olympics even if u win u r still retarded'

though it can be viewed in a humorous way it still can offend a lot of people ... i wanna know if the later part can be replaced with something else less offensive wch gives the message - any way u r still a loser

2007-01-25 05:21:32 · 3 answers · asked by salsasavy 1