Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-25 01:33:28 · 9 answers · asked by tony g 1

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

2007-01-25 01:31:32 · 9 answers · asked by bizeyman 2

for example :
- ccccccc = seven seas
- pro/mise = broken promise
- milonelion = one in a million

what are these?
1. LE / VEL

2. he's/himself

3. ECNALG

4. KNEE
LIGHTS

5. 1,2,3,....,38
39,40 LIFE

6. UP 8

7. LU CKY

2007-01-25 01:28:54 · 9 answers · asked by #1 Girl -She's Bittersweet- 6

D pastor entered his donkey in a race and won..
D pastor was so pleased he entered d race again and it won.
D local paper read " PASTORS *** OUT FRONT".
D Bishop was so upset wit dis kind of publicity dat he ordered d pastor not 2 enter d donkey in another race.
D next day, d local paper headline read "BISHOP SCRATCHS PASTORS ***". Dis was 2 much for D Bishop, so he ordered d pastor to get rid of d donkey.
D pastor decided to give it 2 a Nun in a nearby convent.
D local paper, hearing of d news, posted d following headline: "NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN.
D Bishop fainted. He informed d nun dat she would have2 get rid of d donkey so she sold it 2 a farmer 4 $10. D next day d paper read: "NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.
Dis was too much 4 d bishop, he ordered d nun 2 take d donkey 2 d plains where it could run wild.
The next day d headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD & FREE. D Bishop was buried next day.
Moral: bein concerned wat people think can bring misery and shorten ur life

2007-01-25 01:28:39 · 7 answers · asked by Richbitch 3

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

2007-01-25 01:15:57 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his
> head out the window to check.
> As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand.
> He looked up to see where it came from just in time to notice a young woman
> looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked.
> She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
> On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink.
> Because she was very attractive, he agreed.
> Shortly afterward she said, "I'm about to have dinner--there's plenty. Would you
> like to join me?"
> He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
> As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous
> evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
> The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
> "No," she replied. "Only those who catch my eye

2007-01-25 01:14:26 · 22 answers · asked by ms01 4

2007-01-25 01:09:35 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

ANY JOKE i dont care how lame or rude my mind is dieing of boredom and i dont have much to loose so please please hurry!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-01-25 00:54:13 · 24 answers · asked by louise h 2

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read
"Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have
certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
-- Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows
"Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I
will be at the Breakwater Hotel with our 18-year-old pool boy. Being
the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate
the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up."

2007-01-25 00:51:40 · 8 answers · asked by Rod Rod Go 6

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

2007-01-25 00:47:56 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

2007-01-25 00:44:07 · 7 answers · asked by Jay A 3

EVEN MORE YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You've been too drunk to fish.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".

You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

2007-01-25 00:42:05 · 8 answers · asked by yankee_lost_in_ga 2

1 Jade Goody
2 Betty Boop
3 Harrison Ford
4 Tom Cruise
5 Jack the Ripper
6 Bill Clinton

2007-01-25 00:40:46 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q:What goes Begorra ,begorra,SWOOSH
Begorra begorra,SWOOSH
Jesus joseph and mary SWOOSH

A:A irishman caught up in a revolving door

2007-01-25 00:36:28 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man wanted a few days off work. Knowing that this wouldn't be recieved well by the boss he devised a plan to act crazy to get a few days off. He hung upside down from the ceiling. A coworker (blonde) walked by and asked him what he was doing. He explained that he was pretending to be a light bulb to convince the boss to give him some time off work. A few minites later the boss walked by and asked him what he was doing. He proclaimed, "Why I'm a light bulb of course". The boss told him that he was obviously stressed and should take a few days off to rest. As he was leaving the blonde followed him out. The boss asked her where she was going. She replied, "I'm going home. I cant work in the dark, now can I"

2007-01-25 00:30:46 · 8 answers · asked by firefly 5

2007-01-25 00:27:44 · 19 answers · asked by Tanya S 3

Three large, leather-clad bikers entered the truckers' café and walked over to a little old man eating at the counter.


The first biker pushed his cigarette into the man's pie.


The second spat into the man's milk.


The third turned over the old man's plate.


As they laughed and sat down in a booth, the old man stood up from the counter and silently left the diner.


When the waitress came to their booth to take their order, one biker said, "Not much of a man, was he?"


"Not much of a truck driver either," replied the waitress. "He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!"

2007-01-25 00:17:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just wanted to know.

2007-01-25 00:16:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you speak the words written below for 10 times without any mistake or brake, you will win the KBC's hot seat......

"UPPER ROLLER, LOWER ROLLER"

Good Luck.

2007-01-25 00:11:58 · 32 answers · asked by TJ 3

Albert Einstein wrote this riddle in the early 20th century. He said that 98% of the population would not be able to solve it.


In a street there are 5 houses painted 5 different
colors. In each house lives a person of a different
nationality. The 5 homeowners each drink a different
beverage, smokes a different brand of cigarettes and
keeps a different pet.

THE QUESTION : WHO OWNS THE FISH?

Hints for solution:

1. The Brit lives in a red house
2. The Swede has a dog
3.The Dane drinks tea
4. the Green house is on the left of the White house
5. The owner of the Green house drinks coffee
6. The person who smokes Pall Mall has birds
7. The owner of the Yellow house smokes Dunhills
8. The man living in the center house drinks milk
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house
10. The man who smokes Blends lives next to the one
who has cats
11. The man who has horses lives next do the man who
smokes Dunhills
12. The man who smokes Blue Master drinks beer
13. The German smokes Prince
14. The Norwegian lies next to the blue house
15. The man who smokes Blends has a neighbor who
drinks water

also plz send me ur worksheet for all nationalities pplz........so dat i wud be convinced dat u r not making any guesses.......

Soooooooo CountDown begins now..........

2007-01-25 00:11:35 · 20 answers · asked by Tanya S 3

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,

"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

2007-01-25 00:06:11 · 9 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me,"

The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks,

"So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,

"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

2007-01-25 00:04:54 · 6 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

2007-01-25 00:04:07 · 7 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

Computers have changed our lives. A mouse use to be an animal, a keyboard was a piano, if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy, well..you just hoped nobody found out about it..by itekmobility

2007-01-25 00:02:37 · 6 answers · asked by Ken Mc 1

2007-01-24 23:48:34 · 9 answers · asked by Basement Bob 6

A man is waiting at the hospital while his wife is in labour.After 2 hours a doctor approaches him. "Mr Smith, im sorry to have to tell you but there were complications and your baby is ... well, youd better come with me" So off they walk to a special ward. They walk down the corridor and approach a cot containing a baby with no arms "oh my god" the man says to himself,but they continue past.The man breathes a sigh of relief. They continue til they get to another cot, this time with a baby with no legs "please no!" the man thinks, again, they walk on past. After 2 minutes they approach a private room. "your child is in there Mr Smith"says the doctor,so the man enters.On the table is a cushion and on it is the mans child, merely a brain with 2 eyes. "Oh my god" the man turns away. He starts to cry but after a while comes to terms with it,"its still my child" he reason with himself and waves to it."i wouldnt do that" the doctor says
"why the hell not?" the man barks back

"it's blind"

2007-01-24 23:41:08 · 21 answers · asked by BaldEagle 1

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with
her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops
exposing her cracked heals and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she
exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning maam and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stops
screaming at her children only long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't!
The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"Why no I don't", replies the greeter, " but I just couldn't believe someone had sex with
you twice!"

2007-01-24 23:36:42 · 4 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

my Q is do you think that this joke is funny(anti-violation header)

one morning jane was being extremely
difficult to get ready and go to school.

janes mother pleaded with her to
stop being silly and get ready
as the time was getting late

jane wouldn't listen and
rebelled against her
mothers request even more

her mother was at her wits end
and requested a explanation
off jane why she hated school
so much

jane stopped screaming
and kicking and replied
to her mother that all the other girls
at school hated her and the boys
constantly poked fun at her

her mother replied that it was a passing
phase and they would soon leave her alone
when someone new joined the school

her mother requested
"will you go to school now jane"

jane still adamant shreiked
"NO ,NO i wont go to school
you cant make me i am not going"


"but its so important that you
go to school and you will get
into serious serious trouble if
you dont go!" explained janes mother.

2007-01-24 23:36:20 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer
came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a
business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and
stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that
his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,
"Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation,
he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold,
I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was
afraid for I was naked."

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still
are!



"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22) Now, pass i t on!

2007-01-24 23:30:27 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

When the wife says:
"This place is a real pigsty! Let's clean it together! Your things are on the floor and you'll have no clothes to put on tomorrow if we don't turn on the washing machine immediately!"

The husband actually hears:
"Blah, blah, blah, LET'S, blah, blah, TOGETHER, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah, blah, blah, IMMEDIATELY!"

2007-01-24 23:25:54 · 7 answers · asked by Victory 4