Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-24 23:11:49 · 23 answers · asked by Richard Cranium 3

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
Pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.


4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
Into a calculator


6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
A fire in your back garden.

8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

12) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
Your teacher mum or dad.

13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
Through and then raced against the flush.

14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

15) You never ever run out of salt.

16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
Got your hand or head stuck in something.

17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
Their arm broken by a swan.

19) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping
On an upturned plug.

20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
Wood specifically to stir paint with.

22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose

2007-01-24 23:07:25 · 3 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

3 tortoise go on a picnic one day and with it being 10 miles away it takes them 10 days to get there. When they arrive they unpack the sandwiches and beer only to realise they haven't brought a bottle opener. "I thought you were bringing it?" one say to the other, "and I thought you were!" he says back. The argueing goes on for some time until the 3rd tortoise says "Look, I'll go back, but you better not eat the food when im gone!", "we wont" they both say, so he heads back.
After 5 days they start to get hungry but don't touch the food. After 15 days they are starving but still dont eat the food, a promise is a promise. After 23 days they are so hungry they agree they have to eat the food or die of starvation. Just as they tuck into the sandwiches the 3rd tortoise jumps from behind a rock a few feet away and shouts
"I F**KING KNEW IT!!! THERE'S NO WAY I'M GOING BACK NOW!!"

2007-01-24 23:03:14 · 15 answers · asked by BaldEagle 1

There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn’t decide which one to marry. He decided to give five thousand pounds to each woman to see what she would do with it.

The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure. She said, I spent the money so that I would look pretty for you because I love you so much.

The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket and gave them to the man. I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you, she told him.

The third woman invested the money in the stock market and within a short time had doubled her investment. She returned the initial five thousand pounds to the man and reinvested the profit. I’m investing in our future because I love you so much, she said.

The man carefully considered how each woman had spent the money,
then married the woman with the biggest t its.

2007-01-24 22:54:15 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

i recently downloaded a font meant for windows powerpoint or word or whatever, but i can't seem to use it. can you help me? i remembered once i came to this page where i could see all these fonts as thumbnails. can someone please help? 10 points for the most helpful answer...

2007-01-24 22:51:03 · 13 answers · asked by Iceman҂ 5

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

"What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.
So the young man took her over to the weighing machine. "9 stone 6 pounds" said the machine, and it was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and some candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy," said the girl.

2007-01-24 22:50:48 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

okay once upon time there lived a king. he had a daughter. the princess, had a little problem: everything she touch will melt and because of this a lot of people are afraid to marry her or even be friends with her.
the king was worried so he asked the wizards what 2 do. they say that if the princess touches one thing that wouldnt melt in her hands, she will be cured. so the king held a little competition.

three princes were up for the challenge.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But when the princess touched it, it melted, and the prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." the princess did as she was told. She felt something hard. And it didnt melt. what did she touch?

2007-01-24 22:50:00 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old farmer, attending a fair with his wife, Bessie, was much taken with the open-cockpit airplane in which fairgoers could buy a ride. The £10 fee was rather steep for him, so he began to bargain with the pilot. The pilot, annoyed, said, "I'll make a deal with you. I'll take you up for nothing if you keep your mouths’ shut. But if either of you makes a single sound, you pay the full £10"

"Done," the farmer said.

The couple climbed into the plane and wedged themselves into the cockpit well behind the pilot's seat, and the pilot took off.

There was dead silence behind, which surprised the pilot, who counted on the splendid view to elicit cries of admiration and, therefore, his full fee. Suddenly, the pilot banked and went into a series of loops and spins designed to force cries of dismay from even the stoutest heart. Yet still there was absolute silence from the farmer and his wife. Defeated, the pilot landed his craft.

Helping the farmer out of the plane, the pilot said, "I have to hand it to you. You sure kept your mouths shut. Both"

"Yup," said the farmer, "For a minute there I thought Bessie'd give a little scream when she fell out."

2007-01-24 22:37:55 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Italian, a German and a Chinaman start work on a building site and head to the foreman for instructions. They find him and tell him they are due to start work today. "Right" the foreman says to the German pointing to a pile of sand, "you're in charge if digging". To the Italian he says "you're in charge of the wheelbarrow", and to the Chinaman "and you're in charge of supplies"
I'll be back in 2 hours and i want you to have made a big dent in that pile of sand"
2 hours later the foreman comes back and notices the German and Italian stood next to the sand looking sheepish. "why havent you started work?" the foreman asks.
"we didnt have any tools, you said the Chinaman was in charge of supplies and he just wandered off when you went".
angrily the foreman walks away looking for him. Just then, the Chinaman jumps out from a pile of bricks and yells
"SUPPLIES!!!"

2007-01-24 22:36:53 · 19 answers · asked by BaldEagle 1

Def Leppard

2007-01-24 22:18:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

inventive answers are more likely to win the 10 points!

2007-01-24 22:07:56 · 23 answers · asked by DAZ4518 5

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"
"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

2007-01-24 21:55:53 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, sportsmen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the barman said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the barman, with tears in his eyes, paid the £1000, and then asked the little man, "Hey man, what do you do for a living? Are you a weight-lifter, martial artist or what?"
The man replied, "No, I'm an Inland Revenue Tax Inspector."

2007-01-24 21:54:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A white man, a black man and an Arab were standing around bragging about the size of their families.

The white man boasted, "I have 4 boys and my wife is expecting another -- Five boys. . . I will have a basketball team!"

The black man, not to be outdone, said, "That's nothing! I have10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another son -- that will make 11. . . I will have a football team!!"

The Arab, looked at both of them and screamed out, "You both should be ashamed of yourselves! I have 17 wives." . . . One more and I will have a golf course."

2007-01-24 21:43:42 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whats your story

Anyone have any interesting / funny stories to tell

with a start, a middle, and an end

2007-01-24 21:36:34 · 5 answers · asked by dr_emmett_l_brown1885 1

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and announced, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside, "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife, but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I ahve fooled around with other women at lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."

Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again, her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this."

Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother and tell her. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married", she complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not real your father."

2007-01-24 21:35:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pair of twins were talking in a mother's womb.

The first said to the other, "I think it is raining outside!". The other asked, "How do you know?". The first baby replied, "Someone's entering with a raincoat!".

One more on twins,

A pair of twins were talking in a mother's womb.

First: "Here comes Dad"

Second: "Nah, its next door uncle, Dad doesn't wear raincoat."

2007-01-24 21:33:11 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Gimme a gin and tonic."
The bartender reaches under the bar and places an apple on it. The guy looks and the apple skeptically and the bartender says,"Go ahead. Take a bite."
The guy takes a bite and incredibly, it tastes like gin.
The bartender smiles & says, "Turn it around."
He does & it tastes like tonic. He finishes the apple.
A few minutes pass & the guy says,
"Gimme a vodka & orange juice."
The bartender once again reaches behind the bar and places another apple on it. The guy eyes the suspicious fruit and the bartender says,
"Go ahead. Take a bite." He bites into it and he can't believe it. It tastes like vodka. The bartender smiles and says,
"Turn it around."
The guys turns the apple and it tastes like orange juice, so he finishes the apple.
Just then, a beautiful woman walks past the two men and the guy says to the bartender,
"You know, I could sure go for some p*ssy about now."
The bartender nods, reaches below the bar and produces yet another apple.
The guys says, "No way man! Really?"
The bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite."
He takes a bite and angrily spits out the apple. "Yuck!! That tastes like sh!t, man!!!"
The bartender says, “Turn it around!"

2007-01-24 21:03:40 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

hi i need to know some good comebacks

can you help plz????

2007-01-24 20:54:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-24 20:53:38 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

stand
i

2007-01-24 20:46:40 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Crime scene: in a house, a dead man with a gun in one of his hand and a recorder on the other. A gunshot through his head. No sign of violence. The detective in charge took the recorder and played it.

"I'm tired of my life, I wanna die."

*gunshot*

The detective asked the dead man's roommate "is this his voice?"

He replied, "yes"

The detective said "we must find the murderer"

How did he know it was a murder and not a suicide?

2007-01-24 20:23:05 · 12 answers · asked by twinkle_7 2

A teacher asked his class if anyone of them has eaten a Shitake Mushroom. All the Japanese students said no but then Ozzy, who was an Australian foreign exchange, reluctantly answered yes. Then the teacher said, "oh! so was it good?" "No! Sense i, it was horrible, it smelled nasty, it had a mushy texture and tasted very salty, I even got sick after I ate it," said Ozzy. The teacher was so shocked by the negative feedback and inquired him, " Oh son, where did you ate it, in what restaurant?" Ozzy replied, " oh there was no restaurant sir, it was at the local gas station and it was not even a mushroom, it was long, dark colored thing you find in the toilet."

2007-01-24 20:22:25 · 6 answers · asked by LOU G 1

You're in the basement (underground, no windows) of a house. There's 3 identical light switches in the basement. 1 of them turns the light upstairs on, and off. The other 2 do nothing. You only get 1 chance to go upstairs to see which switch operates the light upstairs. How can you determine which switch operates the upstairs light? What sequence do you do? Which switch/es do you flip to figure it out? And no, you don't have electrical diagrams, electrical measuring equipment, or anyone helping you. Just your noggin, finger/s, and 1 chance to check upstairs after you'd played with the switches.

2007-01-24 20:16:53 · 4 answers · asked by Sam I Am 3

A teacher asked his class if anyone of them has eaten a Shitake Mushroom. All the Japanese students said no but then Ozzy, who was an Australian foreign exchange, reluctantly answered yes. Then the teacher said, "oh! so was it good?" "No! Sense i, it was horrible, it smelled nasty, it had a mushy texture and tasted very salty, I even got sick after I ate it," said Ozzy. The teacher was so shocked by the negative feedback and inquired him, " Oh son, where did you ate it, in what restaurant?" Ozzy replied, " oh there was no restaurant sir, it was at the local gas station and it was not even a mushroom, it was long, dark colored thing you find in the toilet."

2007-01-24 20:09:19 · 3 answers · asked by LOU G 1

A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 Minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out Together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.

2007-01-24 19:50:47 · 11 answers · asked by ශාකුන්තල | shaakunthala 3

My good buddy told me once that if Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Jhonny Depp and all those hollywood guys have never been born, then I would have been the most handsome guy in this planet.

2007-01-24 19:33:47 · 19 answers · asked by LOU G 1

The first person to make me laugh out loud get's the best answer.

2007-01-24 19:23:18 · 9 answers · asked by Still Crazy... 5

Slow Pygmies!

2007-01-24 19:20:26 · 10 answers · asked by PvteFrazer 3

Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road.They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt.It's impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out.
One is a doctor, one is a lawyer.The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up.
The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the doctor asked.
"AFTER the police get here," replies the lawyer.

2007-01-24 19:18:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous