Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Run though you may, I will always be near.
One moment for love, the next filled with fear.
Think you'll avoid me? Not ever for long.
My forms are too many, my pull is too strong.

2007-01-24 15:21:36 · 10 answers · asked by balderarrow 5

2007-01-24 15:17:26 · 14 answers · asked by Cookie Monster 5

He who has i dosen't need it. He who buys it dosen't want it. He who makes it doesn't like it. He who's in it doesn't know it. What is it?

2007-01-24 15:02:11 · 11 answers · asked by Gabe 1

There once was a man and his son. They were out driving one night and they got into a car accident. The dad died, but the boy was RUSHED to the hospital and the surgen said,"I can't opperate on this child he is my son." HOW CAN THIS BE?????

2007-01-24 15:00:21 · 18 answers · asked by ricky d 1

I need the secret word heres the riddle Look near a lively game pointing to a path with a rabbit in its name

2007-01-24 14:47:09 · 11 answers · asked by *♥* 3

This is a hard question but i got it........ eventually.

2007-01-24 14:40:13 · 21 answers · asked by Gabe 1

a cowboy rides into a town on friday. he stays for three days, drinking and having a good time, then, he leaves on friday. how is this possible?

2007-01-24 14:37:47 · 14 answers · asked by BloodyCarrion 2

http://w.00fun.com/w.php?s=00fun&p=annoying.shtml&e=bXJ5YW5pNTFAYW9sLmNvbQ==

2007-01-24 14:32:53 · 4 answers · asked by dee_ann 6

It got Pissed off!! (literally)

2007-01-24 14:27:32 · 8 answers · asked by sugar_n_spice 5

I have a test tommorow on a video that we watched in school, but i was absent for part of it and the test is tommorow! So, did anyone on this yahoo place watch ::::: American Red Cross Emergency Test. The video asks 20 questions and I do not have the answers to the last part::: Section 4: "Public Safety" Please someone help me!

2007-01-24 14:14:46 · 6 answers · asked by zoiy 2

Volume "A" and Volume "B" are right next to each other on a bookshelf. If each page of the volumes are .01 cm long and the cover is .5 cm long, what is the distance between the first page of Volume "A" to the last page of Volume "B'?


(Volume "A" is on the left)

2007-01-24 14:14:32 · 8 answers · asked by Ace 5

Lets compose a little random story that makes a bit of sense, but is completely twisted (try to keep it clean).

Okay, I'll start (everyone continue where the last person left off)

Here:

Little Jimmy was walking through the hallway of the school when suddenly he heard a loud noise. He ran in the direction of the noise to see if he could figure out what it was. To his suprise it was................


(next person write a small paragraph and dont end your sentences. )

2007-01-24 14:12:03 · 12 answers · asked by xrandomnessx 2

OK ladies, suppose a guy tried to use pickup lines at you, then here are some good ways to send him right back crying!!! hehehehe

HE: I'm a photographer…I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!!

HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once; or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!

HE: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
SHE: Okay, but would you stay there?

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I’m having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

HE: Go on, don’t be shy... Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why, are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: why, don’t you already have one?

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: You know I can't seem to get your face out of my mind.
SHE: Wow really, I have a similar problem I cant seem to get you out of my face!!!

HE: You know when they made u they must have broken the mold.
SHE: Yeah and when they were making you must have leaked out of your mold!!

HE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, could there be anyone as beautiful as you?
SHE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m sure there's no one as ugly as you!

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

HE: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
SHE: It's in the phone book.

HE: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not Enter

HE: I know how to please a woman.
SHE: Then please leave me alone.

HE: I want to give myself to you.
SHE: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
SHE: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: I hope you didn't hurt yourself when fell to earth from heaven.
SHE: No, but it looks like you landed on your face!

2007-01-24 14:07:23 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-24 14:06:40 · 9 answers · asked by sainttkate 2

2007-01-24 14:02:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-24 13:59:36 · 20 answers · asked by Amber- Colton's Mommy! 2

2007-01-24 13:44:21 · 10 answers · asked by mobile auto repair (mr fix it) 7

2007-01-24 13:43:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

My mother thinks this is terrible and did not crak a smile. I thought it was hilarious.

http://opensourcejokes.com/jokes/picture/jesus-in-on-the-ymca

2007-01-24 13:41:21 · 12 answers · asked by Simon R 1

Ppl been sayn it deals with the back of ur throat and strings or somthn

2007-01-24 13:37:48 · 2 answers · asked by shadow 1

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with
her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops
exposing her cracked heals and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she
exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning maam and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stops
screaming at her children only long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't!
The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"Why no I don't", replies the greeter, " but I just couldn't believe someone had sex with
you twice!"

2007-01-24 13:21:54 · 3 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with
her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops
exposing her cracked heals and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she
exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning maam and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stops
screaming at her children only long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't!
The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"Why no I don't", replies the greeter, " but I just couldn't believe someone had sex with
you twice!"

2007-01-24 12:53:23 · 2 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy
from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which one is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

2007-01-24 12:49:15 · 7 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

2007-01-24 12:48:52 · 13 answers · asked by dhvsaw 2

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
> going dead?
>
> Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is
> not enough money?
>
> Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
> check when you say the paint is wet?
>
> Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
>
> Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
>
> Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>
> Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
> revolver at him?
>
> Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
>
> Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
>
> If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
>
> Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
> always white?
>
> Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
>
> Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
>
> something new to eat will have materialized?
>
> Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
> cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give
> the vacuum one more chance?
>
> Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
>
> How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
>
> When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping
> cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it
> isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
>
> Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
> the table you always manage to knock something else over?
>
> In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
>
> when we complained about the heat?
>
> How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
>
> And my FAVORITE......
>
> The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering
> from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if
> they're okay, then it's you.

2007-01-24 12:47:48 · 2 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

The Guy Rules
>> The Guys' Rules-------------------
>> At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
>>
>> Finally, the guys' side of the story.
>> (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
>> We always hear "the rules"
>> From the female side.
>>
>> Now here are the rules from the male side.
>> These are our rules!
>> Please note... these are all numbered "1"
>> ON PURPOSE!
>>
>>
>> 1. Men are NOT mind readers.
>>
>> 1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
>> You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
>> We need it up, you need it down.
>> You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
>>
>> 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
>> or the changing of the tides.
>> Let it be.
>>
>> 1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
>> And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
>>
>> 1. Crying is blackmail.
>>
>> 1. Ask for what you want.
>> Let us be clear on this one:
>> Subtle hints do not work!
>> Strong hints do not work!
>> Obvious hints do not work!
>> Just say it!
>>
>> 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
>>
>> 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's

>> what we do.
>> Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>>
>> 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
>> See a doctor.
>>
>> 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
>> In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
>>
>> 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect
us
>> to act like soap opera guys.
>>
>> 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
>> Don't ask us.
>>
>> 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them
makes
>> you sad or angry, then we meant the other one
>>
>> 1. You can either ask us to do something
>> Or tell us how you want it done.
>> Not both.
>> If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
>>
>> 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
>> commercials.
>>
>> 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
>>
>> 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
>> Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We
>> have no idea what mauve is.
>>
>> 1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
>> We do that.
>>
>> 1. If we ask what is wron g and you say "nothing," We will act like
>> nothing's wrong.
>> We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides
we
>> know you will bring it up again later.
>>
>> 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,! Expect an
answer
>> you don't want to hear.
>>
>> 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
>> fine...Really.
>>
>> 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are pre pared to

>> discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
>> or golf.
>>
>> 1. You have enough clothes.
>>
>> 1. You have too many shoes.
>>
>> 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
>>
>> 1. Thank you for reading this.
>> Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
>> But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
>>
>> Pass this to as many men as you can -
>> to give them a laugh.
>>
>> Pass this to as many women as you can -
>> so they understand.
>>
>>
>>
>>

2007-01-24 12:46:36 · 16 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

You are dreamin you're trapped in the forest. There are loins tigers and bears at the bottom of the tree waiting to eat you.

There are vultures, ravens, and rabid wild birds hovering overhead trying to get you.

How do you get out?

2007-01-24 12:44:57 · 27 answers · asked by amarie828 2

"Can you speak "
"No"
"How does it feel to be dumber that a "

2007-01-24 12:37:05 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is it true, Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

2007-01-24 12:31:31 · 27 answers · asked by Agony Aunt 5

A little boy is doing his homework. He says to himself,
"Two plus five, the son of a bitc* is seven.
"Three plus six, the son of a bitc* is nine."
His mother hears this and gasps. "What are you saying?"
The little boy answers, "I'm doing my homework. this is how my teacher taught me to do it."
Infuriated, the mother confronts the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in arithmetic? He's been saying two plus two, the son of a bitc* is four?"
The teacher replies, "Oh dear, What I taught them was, two plus two, "the sum of which" is four!"
<><><>
A woman walks into a chemist's and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic. "I want to kill my husband," she says. "He's cheating on me."
The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic to kill your husband, lady, even if he is fooling around."
So the woman pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist says, "Oh, I didn't realise you had a prescription!"

2007-01-24 12:29:42 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous