Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

One Day A Fellow Is Sat At Home When His Wife Comes Through The Door, His Wife Turns To Him And Says ' Whilst Ive Been At Work I Have Been Working Out Our Debt Problems, I Have Realised You Spend 30 Pound A Week On Beer, Thats Got To Stop!'
The Man Turns To His Wife And Says ' Well While You Have Benn At Work I Have Been Doin A Few Sums Of My Own, You Spend 30 Pound A Week On Make Up, Thats Gotta Stop'
The Wife Horrified Says 'But, But Thats To Make Me Look Pretty!!!'

The Man Replies ' What Do You Think The Beers For!'

2007-01-24 10:08:00 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A computer was something you saw on TV from a science fiction movie
A window was something you hated to clean
And RAM was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girl, and Gig was a job for nights
An application was for enjoyment and a program was something on TV
A cursor used profanity and a Keyboard was Piano
Memory was something you lost with age and a CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3.5 floppy, you hoped nobody would find out
Log on was adding wood to the fire and Hard drive was a long trip
A Mouse pad was where a Mouse lived.
Cut you did with a knife and paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home and a virus was the flu

Yep – When I was a boy

2007-01-24 10:01:38 · 15 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

If you can guess right I will give you a "best awencer"
Cause I know the awencer ha ha ha ha ha ha haa

2007-01-24 10:01:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

every time you take this you make more of this
the first correct answer wins!

2007-01-24 09:57:31 · 9 answers · asked by spoiled_punkprincess 3

2007-01-24 09:51:15 · 15 answers · asked by John M 2

A man is out shopping and finds a new brand of Olympic condoms. When he gets home he tells his wife about his purchase of ‘Olympic Condoms’. What makes them so special? She asks. 3 colours he says ‘Gold, Silver and Bronze’. What colour are you gong to wear tonight’ she asks cheekily. ‘Gold of course’ says the man proudly. Really? Why don’t you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change

2007-01-24 09:51:13 · 3 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

im a dj for my campus radio station and i was wanting to start telling really bad jokes, not nasty ones, but ones like:
how are policemen so strong?
they can hold up traffic

that kind of joke, and i need to know what does the taping of the id mean? that its entirely stupid and shouldn't be said, or just that its really bad? thanks!!

2007-01-24 09:48:20 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can''t make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.

Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.

The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, "This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky."

"Yeah," the dog says, "we''re really screwed."

"Sparky," the girl says, astonished, "I didn''t know you could talk."

"Well," the dog says, "I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you."

2007-01-24 09:46:13 · 3 answers · asked by blondeeee95 3

i mean i thought i was doing the guy a favour.if my car is blocking his it cant get stolen can it ..... c`mon use your common sense

2007-01-24 09:46:12 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A family was on vacation with their 6 year old son and noticed a sign for a nutist beach. The husband and wife always wanted to go to one and decied that their son is young enough that he is so young it wouldn’t really matter. The mother was relaxing laying in the sand topless. The son noticed his dad looking at all the naked womens chests on the beach and runs to his mother, "Mommy, mommy why do some girls have bigger ones and some are smaller?" The mother calmly said, "Well son the girls with the big ones are really, really stupid." The boy accepts this answer and runs off to play. He then noticed the men. The boy runs back to his moter and asked, "Mommy, mommy, why are some guys bigger and some smaller?" The mother again comely says, "Well the bigger they are the stupider the man is." Boy again accepts the answer and runs to play. A few minutes later the boy runs to his mommy and says, " Mommy, mommy daddy is talking to a really really stupid lady and he’s getting stupider and stupider every second!"

2007-01-24 09:43:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-24 09:41:19 · 14 answers · asked by olly 2

Are you scared of this Mad Cow's disease. The other says 'Why you asking me? I'm a Helicopter

2007-01-24 09:38:54 · 14 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

Why are cowgirls bow legged?
Cowboys eat with their hats on!

2007-01-24 09:37:49 · 13 answers · asked by bodacious baby 7

there are too many comedians on thie site?

2007-01-24 09:36:40 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

2007-01-24 09:34:33 · 10 answers · asked by sinister d 1

2007-01-24 09:34:33 · 10 answers · asked by eddie_baller 2

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again andmade another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up."I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

2007-01-24 09:33:54 · 29 answers · asked by Tink 5

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

2007-01-24 09:31:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you know when your girlfriend has gotten too fat?
She sits on your face and you cant hear the stereo.

2007-01-24 09:30:25 · 11 answers · asked by bodacious baby 7

Two Essex girls shopping in a big store at the perfume counter. One says to the other'Here smell this Shaz – What d’ya fink?
Ooh at’s nice Trace,Wot is it?
It says Venez à moi.
What does that mean Shaz – The shop assistant interrupts in a posh accent and and says its French for ‘come to me’
Shaz says, ‘Don’t smell Like come to me’

2007-01-24 09:29:18 · 13 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

if the question is.....

cockrobin..

2007-01-24 09:27:16 · 22 answers · asked by cosmic 2

2007-01-24 09:27:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy needs a job, all he can get is driving the seseme street bus, he takes it. On his 1st day he picks up 2 huge girls their twins, they say hello our names are Patty, he says hi have a seat. He picks up the next kid, he says hi my names Bruce and I am special. Oh take a sit says the driver. He then stops pick up another kid, who says hi I am Lester G. driver says fine just sit down. Well as he is driving he looks in the mirror and sees Lester G. picking his bunions. He cant take no more he returns the bus, says I quit! Why ask his boss? He says I cant take 2 all beef patties, special bruce, and Lester G. picking bunions on this seseme street bus!

2007-01-24 09:25:56 · 11 answers · asked by bodacious baby 7

A mafioso's son is sitting at his desk, writing a Christmas list to Jesus. First he writes, "Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

Then he gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear Baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

2007-01-24 09:21:49 · 4 answers · asked by sinister d 1

it was his daughters birthday, and he hadn’t bought her a present. He drove to a toyshop and asked ‘How much is the new Barbie in the window?’
The manager replied, ‘Which one?’ We have ‘Barbie goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball’ for $19.95, Barbie does shopping for $19.95 or the Divorced Barbie for $375.00. Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95? Says the man.
The manager says the Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s House, Ken’s Car, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Dog and Ken’s furniture.

2007-01-24 09:18:12 · 12 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

2007-01-24 09:16:25 · 23 answers · asked by Tink 5

He sat down next to a beautiful blonde girl. She looked at him quizzically, and his bulging pockets. 'It's golf balls' he said - Oh! replied the blonde 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow'

2007-01-24 09:16:13 · 5 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

CRISPY CRITTERS

2007-01-24 09:11:46 · 4 answers · asked by El Masterbater 1

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

2007-01-24 09:11:31 · 9 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-01-24 09:09:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous