Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day passing an 8 year old girl's house.

One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up his football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys' game, and only boys can have a football." The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football." Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.

She holds up the football and says, "Nah Na Nah Nah". The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boy's bike and only boys get boy's bikes and you can't have one." She runs into the house for her mom. The next day the little girl is waiting for the boy on her new boy's bike.

The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts and says "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!

2007-01-24 05:53:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

TOP 10 REASONS FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX.....

10. LASTS FROM DAWN TILL DUSK
9. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SECRET HOLE
8. ALLOWED SEVERAL FISH DAILY
7. CAN CHOOSE THE LENGTH OF YOUR ROD
6. CAN FISH ANY TIME OF THE MONTH
5. YOU CLEAN IT BEFORE YOU EAT IT
4. ABLE TO TAKE A NAP WHILE YOU FISH
3. THE COST OF BAIT IS CHEAPER THAN A DATE
2. YOU CAN ALWAYS THROW IT BACK
1. YOUR FAVORITE CATCH CAN BE MOUNTED ON THE WALL

2007-01-24 05:52:06 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

2007-01-24 05:45:58 · 18 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Because they thought of smoking Blunt and drinking Bush Beer.

2007-01-24 05:42:37 · 4 answers · asked by Melissa Svetlana Flavored Coffee 3

She had enough grease in her belly to do an oil spill. Yo mamma so fat, The United States used the extra fat as an alternative for gas.

2007-01-24 05:38:48 · 15 answers · asked by Melissa Svetlana Flavored Coffee 3

While you were cleaning or if itt looked green or for any reason. would you throw away a quarter or a dollar?

2007-01-24 05:36:45 · 29 answers · asked by oreobabylove 3

A group of girlfriends go on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside."

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind." The friends laugh and without hesitation, move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."

This was good, but there were still two more floors.

On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds, are sensitive and attentive to women, are perfect lovers, and are single, rich and straight."

The women seem pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.

When they reach the fifth floor, there is a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."

2007-01-24 05:28:17 · 14 answers · asked by scott d 1

And crapped.

2007-01-24 05:20:04 · 10 answers · asked by Roy S 3

I was posting a long question and knew I'd need to quickly hit the Add Details control before someone saw the unfinished message.

No matter what I did, the control wouldn't work. Y!A made me look like the idiot I am as several people saw the unfinished message.

It's working now, at least for the moment, so I know it wasn't my browser.

Do you think it was my cat? She was sitting on my glasses. I sneezed, she fell off, one paw hit Right-Click, the others Alt, BackSpace, and Z.

What are the odds she'd hit the right key combination to turn off the control? That as good an explanation as any other.

She's back where she belongs now. I inhaled, she jumped off the key-board, and sat back on my glasses. Nice kitty. Now cut it out.

P.S. The problem was real. I'm not.

2007-01-24 05:18:39 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The person who left the message asked ,me to phone her back. Her name was Myra Mains. I called the cemetry and asked to speak to Myra Mains and the guy who answered laughed and hung up. Why when I tell this story does everyone laugh at me. I don't find it funny!

2007-01-24 05:18:30 · 12 answers · asked by Sally 3

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

2007-01-24 05:07:25 · 12 answers · asked by scott d 1

2007-01-24 04:57:16 · 6 answers · asked by JP 1

How do you spell the word candy using only 2 letters?

2007-01-24 04:51:34 · 7 answers · asked by Sexcchick 2

the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?

She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and

circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.

2007-01-24 04:50:57 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

His wife asks, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"

2007-01-24 04:48:34 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

My wife came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you
happy tonight."
She was right. When she went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the
doorknobs. She couldn't get back in.

2007-01-24 04:47:59 · 10 answers · asked by Papa 7

Name a country and it's capital that when combined have 14 letters. Also, neither the country or it's capital uses letters on the middle row of a standard keyboard.

2007-01-24 04:46:56 · 4 answers · asked by Shep 2

There was two students, one was jonh and the other was ryan. and they both went to a catholic school. Their entire class was in lunch, and they all got in line all of the chose what they wanted to eat and they put it in their lunch tray... so then, they get to the dessert section and have too choose. and apple from the apple barrel or a chocolate brownie from the silver tray... and on the barrel, the nuns had posted a sign that read..."take only one, god is watching" so, the students immediately go to the brownies and jonh says to ryan, "take all the brownies you want..god is watching the apples"

so do you think this joke is worthy to tell in a family reunion?

2007-01-24 04:39:10 · 17 answers · asked by juanramoz2 3

2007-01-24 04:34:55 · 14 answers · asked by autumn_bells3000 2

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -
"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...
The 45th bus just went by!"

2007-01-24 04:32:25 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Name a country and it's capital that when combined have 16 letters. Also, neither the country or it's capital uses letters on the middle row of a standard keyboard.

2007-01-24 04:31:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day there were three boys walking down the street, and suddenly they heard cries for help. When the boys got to the noise they saw George W. Bush in a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning.
Dubya asked the boys how he could ever repay him. The first boy said, "I want a boat."

The second boy said, "I want a truck."

And the third boy said, "I want three tombstones with our names all on them."

Dubya asked, "Why is that, son?"

The little boy said, "Because when my Dad finds out that we saved you, he is going to kill us all!"

2007-01-24 04:29:37 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Snooker table.

2007-01-24 04:25:27 · 19 answers · asked by δώδεκα 5

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for
"small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

2007-01-24 04:22:46 · 17 answers · asked by Papa 7

2007-01-24 04:13:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?

Women cook, men eat;
women clean, men get dirty;
women iron, men wrinkle.

2007-01-24 04:11:11 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!"

Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.

"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation."

An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the
birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, "I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job...."

2007-01-24 04:08:40 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

ive heard some jokes that are not funny but are funny because they make no sense or just stupid.

2007-01-24 04:05:29 · 35 answers · asked by HUNK 3

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ...

2007-01-24 03:58:28 · 12 answers · asked by Janey 3

2007-01-24 03:55:16 · 14 answers · asked by Pancake 7